Advice for expecting mamas?
redshoegirl
member
If you could give 5 tips to mamas-to-be, what would they be? Here are mine:
1) At some point there's a very good chance that you will think (and perhaps even say to your DH like I did), "Oh god...what have we done?" You're not a bad mother, and it doesn't mean you don't love your child. When you're perpetually exhausted and recovering from childbirth and adapting to what is possibly the most major life change you will ever experience, it's totally normal to feel that overwhelmed. Don't feel guilty, and know that many, many other women feel the same.
2) It's OK to sit crying with your newborn in the middle of the night and pleading "Sleep! Please just sleep!" Do what you have to do for both of you to get some rest. If they sleep in their crib, that's fine. If they'll only sleep with you, that's OK too. And if the only place your LO will sleep is their rocker/bouncer, don't stress over it. They're not going to still be sleeping there when they're 18, so do what you need to do.
3) Breastfeeding is HARD. I never knew how hard it was until I started doing it, and until I started talking to other new mamas about their BFing frustrations. I don't care how "natural" it is - that doesn't mean it's easy. If sometimes you sit crying with your baby because you're having BFing problems, it's OK. And if you have to (or just want to) formula feed, that's OK too - the important thing is that your baby is fed and healthy, and formula will not make them malnourished or rot their brain. (As a side note, I don't care what any lactation consultant tells you - BFing DOES hurt at first, just because your poor sensitive nipples aren't used to that much stimulation, even if the baby is latched correctly.)
4) Give your DH a chance. Ben does some things differently than I do, and sometimes it's really hard for me to watch him handle a problem or a task because I think I know a better way to do it. And sometimes I probably do know better (after all, I spend all day with these kids), but other times he will come up with his own perfectly good solution. As long as the baby isn't in danger, try to be flexible.
5) This too shall pass. Third night in a row of absolutely no sleep? It will pass. Baby screaming at the top of their lungs for five hours? It will pass. Marathon nursing sessions? It will pass. LO sleeping peacefully and looking like a little angel? Yup - that will pass too! No matter how bad things seem, don't worry - they WILL pass! (As a side note, this might sound weird but I always carry my cell phone when one of the boys is in a screaming frenzy and all I can do is sit and rock him. I've found that it helps to look at the time occasionally on my phone, because those fits never go on for as long as they feel like they do and sometimes it helps to think, "OMG he's been screaming for HOURS! [look at phone] Oh wait, no - it's only been 2 minutes.")
Re: Advice for expecting mamas?
Oh, everythinnnnnnng you just said!
Typing on the fly at the moment so I have nothing more to add at this minute but I KNOW I probably have some things I've learnt along the path of mamahood.
Will be back!
Hang on, something just popped into my head that I can add NOW lol...
At some point after bub has arrived, you're gonna REALLY benefit from a night out, most likely a date-night with the hubby.
It might not be the weekend after you've given birth or the one after that....but schedule one as soon as you're physically alright to do so.
You might not even THINK you NEED one and you will probably be loathe to leave your little munchkin with anyone else but it'll be good for you and your husband to get some breathing space and to feel like adults again, in a relationship with each other (instead of two parents circling around their mini-me).
And you're gonna feel anxiety about kissing bubby g'bye, nestled safely in grandma's arms.
Yes, your husband will literally need to drag your arm almost out of it's socket in order to wrench you out of the front door. Remember, grandma is qualified to guard your bebe; she managed to pull you through babydom alive, yes?
And, yeah, you will struggle to stop talking about how junior is starting to smile or whether you should call home to "remind grandma to use the Keri oil in juniors bath" but DO try to limit bebe-talk to, like the first half hour of the date and then move on to other topics (this will prove difficult because your every waking moment, which is about, oh, 22 hours worth in each 24 hour cycle, has revolved around that little being since you pushed your old life to the curb along with the placenta).
However, you will exhilerate in the lightness and the freedom of walking without a baby, a stroller, a diaper bag et al.
You will feel......goshdarnit, as liberated as William Wallace in Braveheart, rushing down a hill towards the English, shouting "You may have taken my breasts, child, but you won't take my freedom tonight!"
Ditto Lisa and Tina! Amen! I will add:
1) Don't be afraid to ask for help...from your husband, your mom, you sister, your best friend...all of the above! By the same token don't feel you half to hand your baby over just because someone wants to help...if you need it, take them up on it, if not, take a raincheck because you'll need it at some point.
2) Similar to Lisa's "this shall pass" mantra...when I find myself frustrated with whatever it is (fussy baby, sleepless nights, achy body, etc.) I try not to judge it and just sit with the feelings for a moment. They tend to go by more quickly that way. If I judge it then I start feeling guilty, incapable, etc. and that just makes it all much worse. Also, in the end, these moments are fleeting and do pass. And sometime, they might even be fond memories of the early days of parenting.
3) Your baby needs you and that's okay. I feel like in our culture everyone is so obsessed with baby not being spoiled, or too attached or creating a bad habit because baby relies upon XYZ from you to be able to do this or that...it's sad to me. This is a short time in your life as a parent...so if baby needs you to fall asleep or bounce them until their gas subsides, or whatever...so be it. The whole STTN is a myth that is perpetuated on new parents. Your baby will STTN when it's good and ready...maybe at 2 weeks old or maybe at 2 years old. That's perfectly normal...and you're not doing anything wrong if it's not happening sooner than later.
4) You're going to get a lot of unsoliticited advice...about EVERYTHING! Come up with some retorts now, that you can practice until their auto-responses. Even with solicited advice, take what you can use and that works for you and your family and leave the rest. You'll drive yourself nuts otherwise.
5) Enjoy the small things...they're what get you through the tough moments. And they're fleeting....so grab onto them and really absorb them when they come. They make all the rest so worth it!
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Lots of good advice all around here! I don't have anything to add as of this moment. The first thing that popped into my head when I first read the post title was THIS!!:
I hate it when ppl (who have never had a baby) tell me that it's supposed to be easy because it's oh-so-natural. It kinda peeved me at the time when I was pg because I read about how hard it is from all the ladies on the board, but now that I've tried it and have broken down crying because of it, I'm more annoyed at all those ppl who said that to me before! And YES, I even had a lc check my latch and she said it was good but I was still sore and bleeding in the beginning! I wonder if ppl say that it's easy and doesn't hurt to prevent mothers from not trying? Cuz I rather know the truth and be prepared! Instead, I felt so lied to!
Amen to this! If I hadn't heard from the ladies here about BFing hurting before I actually tried it, I'd have thought for sure that something was wrong with me because my boys' have good latches. In the hospital I would get annoyed with the LCs who just kept breezily telling me that I could easily nurse twins and that I shouldn't be feeling any pain...like you, I just felt lied to! Why couldn't just ONE person say, "Yeah, that soreness is normal, your body isn't used to this. Oh, and BFing twins is freaking HARD, so don't feel guilty that you're having trouble OK?"
I don't know why it's made out to be this easy thing - maybe, as you say, so more women will try it? But I think that does a serious disservice to BFing...I have a friend who gave up before she even left the hospital because she was in pain and couldn't get her baby to latch right away, and the LCs at the hospital kept telling her it shouldn't hurt and that BFing was an easy, natural way to feed your baby. Her little girl is 1.5 years now and did just fine on formula, but she told me the other day that she wishes she had persevered with it for a while longer. But she didn't know that it was normal for it to hurt and normal for people to have latch issues, etc., so she simply gave up. Maybe if it was publicized that "yes, this is hard but you can do it!" more women would stick with it? I dunno.
This has stuck in my mind - it's excellent advice and I really agree with it. I've found that if I simply accept the feelings and allow them to be there (not being uncontrolled rage or anything lol - you know what I mean), they pass more quickly. If I think "OMG, what kind of a mother thinks that?!" or something, then it quickly turns into additional feelings of guilt, etc. and that makes it more difficult to move on past those moments.
Oh, and I also strongly agree with Lori's other advice about taking a raincheck if you don't need help that moment. Everyone always wants to "help" me with the boys when they're being quiet and snuggly ("Oh here, I'll hold him for you!") and I've felt guilted into handing them over. Well you know what? *I* want to hold them when they're like that! I want to get the happy snuggles, not just the crying and screaming! So I've learned to say, "Oh thanks, but I'm OK for now. I'm sure I'll take you up on it later though!"