Really upset with BM AND DH!
taagent
member
DH doesn't understand either! I posted a few days ago that BM told SD not to tell DH and I about what was going on at her house regarding her boyfriend moving out (actually they are breaking up). Well, I had told DH about it. DH calls BM today to find out what time she was going to pick up SD for her weekend visitation. While I am in the library (picking up some books I put on hold for SD) BM was telling DH what was going on.
She then tells DH NOT TO TELL ME! DH says "okay" but then turns around and tells me anyway. However, I am really pissed off that BM thinks I don't know and that BOTH SD and DH are keeping secrets from me. I told DH that he needs to tell her he will not keep secrets from me but he says it is just easier not to cause a fight. I know that DH will tell me what is going on I just feel like this is just the beginning of a bad situation!
BM in the past has tried to manipulate and come between DH and I when we were first engaged by asking if DH had told me something she had told him. She would make a huge deal about it even if it was the stupidest thing that I didn't care about - she would use it and say "you mean he didn't tell you???" I just see this coming back all over again.
I also fully believe that she has wanted him back since she knew we were serious and now that she has told DH that she and her bf are "free to see other people" I know where this is going. DH has no interest so I am not worried a bit but it bothers me that she *thinks* she is getting away with something.
I told DH that I want to pull her aside and tell her that I have an issue with her telling DH to keep things from me. DH told me not to. Would you say something or just keep your mouth shut knowing that you will hear what is going on despite what BM says?
Re: Really upset with BM AND DH!
I agree with your DH, it wasn't worth the fight. If she really thinks she can control what your DH does or doesn't do or say, then she's a moron.
It's not like your DH said, "Oh yeah, I won't tell her! It's just between you and me." He just said, "OK", full well knowing that he was going to tell you. It was more an acknowledgment of the words spewing from her mouth than an agreement to keep a secret. You know?
Let go of what happened in the past. (easier said than done, I know) If she says something to you about the break up, I'd barely acknowledge it. She says, "BF and I broke up." You say, "Oh really? Sorry to hear that." and then move on. I bet it'd burn her toast. If she says something about telling your DH, ignore her.
I would not pull her aside if I were you. She *wants* you to be pissed off. She *wants* to think she can come between you and DH. Don't let her get to you.
As far as her telling SD not to say anything... ::sigh:: It's total BS parenting IMO. Children should never be made to keep secrets. But it's her house and her parenting...all you can do is tell SD that she doesn't have to keep secrets and reaffirm in your actions that you would never do something like that to her.
It's not worth making an issue out of at this point. If (when) this happens again in the future, I would have your DH tell her that he doesn't keep secrets from his wife.
I have to agree with this. As hard as it may be.. If she tries to stir the pot with you and asks you point blank- then I would say yes, DH did tell me the day you asked him not to.
Thanks ladies! I appreciate your thoughts immensly and they have hit home. I wont say anything and let it go.
When she got here to pick up SD she told DH once again that she was "free to see other people" - hint hint. DH has absolutely no interest - I just see where she is going with this, the past is the past yes but she has also NEVER lived on her own, she has bounced from man to man and now she has no one. She always thought DH would be there if she ever needed someone which is why she had a complete meltdown when we got engaged.
I am going to take a deep breath and go along with it, and see where we go next!
Ugh, I'm not sure why some people are so desperate for attention.
The thought someone that has to be in my SO's life telling him that she is "free to see other people" would make me feel pretty squigly inside. Just feel secure in the fact that they are not together for a reason and he DID tell you- try not to worry about crazies.
This would have p!ssed me the helll of too... BM needs to know that you & DH are a united front and there will not be secrets, and for there to even be an expectation of a secret being kept is just wrong. I think that you have every right to be angry.
BUT - I would not confront BM about it... Your DH said it, your DH needs to fix it. Good luck Taagent!