Wasn't included in baby shower
So here goes. My MIL asked my husband if we were having a baby shower because she wanted to make sure we were doing something. He told her YES, that by best friend was flying out from our hometown and was holding a shower for us at our house since we live a few states away from everyone. She said, okay but when she found out that she couldn't come (because she will be four hours away babysitting her brother's kids) she decided that she wanted to do something. She lives in the hometown where my BF lives.
So, basically, she mentioned this to my husband once. Perhaps twice. I admit he should have told her from the very beginning we didn't want that, but we assumed we'd be included/involved somehow.
Well, she threw the shower and invited all of HER close friends and family, didn't invite us, didn't tell us anything about it and it wasn't supposed to be a surprise either. She called my husband the day of when he was at work but didn't call me even though she knew I would be home all day. The reason I found out about it actually happening is because someone told me about it on facebook! One of the attendees. It was also before my own baby shower.
She thinks she is justified because she was going to send the gifts, but if she didn't include us on any of it... not one detail, how can we really feel honored about a baby shower going on that we are clueless about? I feel like she threw it for herself, because in the past she has done other similar things. Like having to have a party the day after my wedding to invite everyone she felt should have been invited but wasn't because our venue was small and we wanted only closest family and friends.
Because of this, people have sent us mean emails, told us we should be ashamed of ourselves, etc. People that were at the shower that I don't even know. Also, she said she's donating the gifts to a hospital because they have deemed my husband and I as ungrateful. Are we just total jerks for being upset? My problem is that we were having a shower and doing exactly what we wanted but she had to upstage us. I also felt that she should have asked/included us at the very least. She told us after the fact that she didn't need to include us at all. Thoughts?
Re: Wasn't included in baby shower
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I saw something like this on 2nd tri yesterday...Maybe a dumb question, but who is Mud? I must have missed the whole thing.
MUD is "made up drama". Peopel come here and post totally outlandish situations. They are called "trolls". They dont' really have stuff to post about personally. They just make up crazy stories to get us all riled up.
A first time poster w/ a CRAZY story always raises suspicion. And then if they dont' come back at ALL to respond or answer questions... usually tells me that it was fake.
this coudl be real, but again, I need some convincing before I buy into it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No, it's 100% true. I could post the emails but that would just be tacky. I never post on these sites... but I've hit the end of my rope with this one. I have alway been afraid that my mother in law might randomly find this site and know it was me because of the details.
I'm not sure how you want me to prove that I'm a real person, but I totally am. It's all real.
Background to the story? She wanted to be at the hospital for my son's birth... but we decided that I only want my mom in the room with us, and at the hospital. My dad isn't even coming until like 4 or 5 days after his due date. We invited his mom and dad to come after they leave. About a week after his birth. She was super upset about that.
Sweartogod!!! I wish I was making this story up, but it's all true. Been dealing with it since she had the shower this past Sunday.
Also, I'm not good at making up stories.
O.k.- you came back.... I'll give you some of my thoughts, then.
First, your MIL sounds nuts. Who on earth throws a shower for someone and doesn't even invite them to their own shower?!?!?!
Second, where exactly is your DH on this? I ask because honestly, I think HE needs to have a "come to Jesus" talk w/ her and that if she's going to pull stunts like this, her time w/ you all and your child is going to be severly limited, if not cut off all together. What she did is unacceptable and you all are being harassed by her friends over something SHE did.
However, beyond that - in the end, you actually can't stop her from doing somethign like this. Unfortunately. you can have reprecussions for it - but you and DH have to be on the same page and decide what those reprecussions are. Would you both actually be willing to say "You pull this crap, we arent' going to see you"?
As for the peopel sending you emails, either you can ignore them - if you dont' even know them, does it really even matter? Or, you can just very very VERY simply respond with "We would have been happy to be there if we had been told about it.". Period, end of story. No more details, nothing else. Just the very very very simple truth - you didn't even know about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My husband supports me 100% on this. Unfortunately, whenever we try to talk to his mom about this stuff, she just pulls the you are wrong, I am right card and 'why do you hurt me like this' kind of crap. It's been going on a long time, but now with the baby coming we're trying to put a stop to it. We're tired of her victim attitude where it's a no lose situation for her. She can never do any wrong.
Unfortunately, the hubs made a mistake of calling when the baby shower wasn't over I guess... and told her that she was effing things up and what was she doing. Well... she kept repeating him and was apparently giving all the info to the ladies there. So that's why they are being nasty to us! But... they all seem to think what she did was ok is the impression I'm getting. I did ignore them, but at the same time, I'm sensitive and hormonal so it makes me cry anyway.
I do know that we will have to limit her or cut her off if she wants to be unhealthly like this, but it's hard for my husband. It is his mom... but he is having a hard time coming to grips with her doing this now.. while I'm super pregnant and we're so excited for our first baby.
We never could have gone to the shower because she is states away, but I still think she should have invited us.
Um this totally happened to me last year by my MIL! She hosted a bridal shower and invited all of her friends {she's part of the red hat ladies and some other sorority of educators}.
She never invited us/me to the shower.
I was floored! We let her do her thing and totally thought it was the weirdest thing ever.
In the end, I think they all just went to lunch and all the ladies brought gifts.
I still think MIL just wanted to be the center of attention like she always wants to be.
She had just been to my shower (hosted my friends/family) so I think she really just wanted to be the bride for a day.
In the end, we got tons of gifts for strangers. Nice stuff too! We were grateful to have all of the nice gifts but found it tough to swallow that she didn't even invite us.
Talk about WEIRD!!!
Now, she's hosting us a baby shower down there and I actually got invited! I guess she's learning, but I still will always remember my MIL and the shower she threw for herself during the year leading up to our wedding!!!
I sent thank you notes to all of the ladies who sent gifts, but I just don't know what she was thinking? I mean, luckily it wasn't a full blown shower, it was, from what I understand just a get together of ladies over lunch, but seriously!!!
I feel your pain!! I at least had heard a few times that she was going to do this~ I was pissed too, but just turned the other cheek! MIL can do the weirdest things.
I just don't know how to get over the 'his whole family is mad at us or doesn't like us' feeling now. She acts like her son has changed and is gone... just because he has stood up to her. It's pretty sick in my opinion, to emotionally harrass and abuse him this way. He's totally the same man he was the day I met him...
One of the snotty messages was from his aunt, because I deleted her from facebook. How am I supposed to be comfortable around them when we see them again? Because hello! They are family and I will. It's ridiculous.
Ugh. It just gives us both heartache and upset feelings in the pit of our stomach. The shower was just the straw on the camels back. It's one thing to know what to do and how to react... it's another to actually follow through with it and stay strong.
I just felt if we let her get away with the baby shower and graciously accepted it... that the behaviors, partys, attempts to control would continue. She in fact, accused US of being overbearing and controlling! Hello... it's our baby! It's our marriage, it's our lives!
Yeah, I can relate~ my MIL one Christmas before I we were married {but mind you were were very serious and even had purchased a house together} told me I wasn't invited down there for Christmas!
I told my DH to go down there and sit her down and tell her that if she wanted him/us in her life that she needed to include me in things or he wasn't going to be coming around anymore.
She was devestated that her little boy "stood up to her" and took a stand against her dumb rules and her attempt to control the situation.
She even cried.
I mean, come on!! We were married not too long after that and it was so hard for me to want to be close to her because of the little stunts like not including me at the holidays among other things.
Its true, your DH needs to take a stand.
In the end, I thought my MIL's shower that she threw without me was super tacky, but the truth is that I didn't REALLY want to go travel down there so close to my wedding anyways, so I just let that one slide.
Plus, she's super obnoxious so....
But really- it's all words. "im right. nanny nanny boo boo". What does that DO to you all? Nothing!
I actually think the less you all react, the less you argue w/ her, the more of an impact it would probably make. S he plays the victim because it works. So - stop letting it work. Stop reacting.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with you. We just need to be solid and not react to her anymore. The last email she sent, my husband replied with "I'm sorry you feel that way." Nothing more. We don't want to play her games. And my husband is being so supportive and good about all of this. You're right... who cares if she says she's right. We know/believe otherwise and will never be able to make her understand.
It's just real hard to do when you feel attacked, or criticized or put down and being who I am I just want to defend myself and tell her she is crazy! Instead, I need to step back and not play into her. I have to remember that it's not my fault if they blame me or don't like me.
The best I can do is not be like this when my little one is all grown up! Thanks ladies, for confirming it's not normal for someone to throw you a shower and not invite you. I just wanted to be sure I didn't do something wrong.
Wow, just wow. I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I know that if I were in this situation, I would totally be defending myself. I would fight back and I would throw my MIL under the bus. I would not allow myself to look like a spoiled rotten brat. If there was a shower thrown in my honor, and I was not there because no one told me about it, and yet, I was getting blamed for not being there...I would be pissed. The only reason people would get the idea that I should have been there was because my MIL made it out to sound like I was the bad guy.
My guess is that her intention was to host this shower and then just send you the gifts, but when the guests questioned where you were at, she choked and just said that you were not coming and not the truth that she did not invite you. You should not have to take the blame for that. There are always 3 sides to the story, yours, hers and the truth...let the people hear your side and figure it out for themselves.
Honestly, I hope you are very young, because a grown man should not be having the kinds of separation issues your husband is having with his monther. My husband and I went through this with his mother when he was 17-19 (and we did not get married til we were 24). I called it cutting the cord and that was him realizing that his mom was no longer his mommy and that my feelings needed to come before hers. (It does sound like your DH is on the right track though, so I give him credit)
It was a rough couple of years on both of us. His mom needed to learn that he was mine now and that she needed to respect US as a package deal. I had to learn that his mom will always be special to him and that I could trust that he would not throw me under the bus, or allow her to blame me for their issues. At one point, his mom essentially said, its me or her, and he chose me...that was a real eye opener for her and I think that your DH needs to show your mother that his loyalties have changed and that if she wants to be in both of your lives, as well as her grandchild, she is going to have to play by your rules now.
I wish you lots of luck because it sounds like this little baby shower is the least of your worries. The manipulative MIL is the real problem.
Food Allergies to Eggs, Milk, Peanuts, Tree Nuts & Beef
Challenged Soy and tolerated it.
The guests didn't expect us to be there. In all honestly, I don't know what they were told or what they thought about the whole thing because his mom just didn't include us on anything at all. The problem was that he called when the party was still going, so they all heard him on the phone, upset with her and just assumed that we were total jerks for not being happy about the party, without knowing the facts or why.
My husband is more than on the right track. He has cut the cord... his mother hasn't and since neither of us are total jerks, we've been working on dealing with this issue for a while so that we can have things be amicable.
In any case, she refuses to see her errors and we just have to move on from it the best we can. She can't cause us stress if we just limit or don't include her at all is what it has boiled down to.