New Here. PPD/ Intrusive Thoughts. OCD? Graphic

MaryGiana · May 2010

Hello Everyone! I'm so glad I found this board. I look forward to talking with all of you, and hopefully giving support to other women going through the same thing. Let me tell you a little bit of why im here.

My DC is 2 and I am currently pregnant with our second. I just recently went to my doctor and recieved meds for my PPD. I think I suffered from the baby blues after DC was born, crying fits but didnt know why, lack of support from family sure didnt help either. I honestly cant remember if I started to feel better after a few weeks, or if it was just me pushing through becuase I had no one to help me, besides my DH but he works ALOT, so their wasnt aot of help coming my way.

**Graphic**

When DC was 7-8 Months old out of the blue I had horrible thoughts of hurting him. The most recurrent one was of me stabbing DC with the kitchen knives. I was so terrified that I was going crazy and I was going to act on these thoughts that I hid the knives in the cabinet. I dont know how to make these thoughts go away, and its not like I want these thoughts, they just pop into my head, anytime of day.These thoughts have come and gone since then, theyre not all about stabbing DC, but they all involve hurting DC one way or another. The past month or so the thoughts have gotten much worse almost consuming every waking moment, I couldnt take it anymore so I decided I needed to get help. I've also had thoughts of "what if" I slept walked and did something horrible in my sleep and didnt know it. At times its all I can think about at night, and that makes me not want to go to sleep. I also sometimes feel these thoughts will "overpower" me and I wont be able to control my actions.

I talked to my doctor briefly and told her I thought I might have PPD, that I think I developed it when DC was 7-8 months old but never said anything. I told her I had thoughts of hurting him, but didnt go into detail. She said that she would start me on meds that day. She never did a questionaire or gave me an exact diagnosis, I guess since I told her I "thought" it was PPD thats what she went on.

Ive done some research and ive read some things about OCD and I think that may be where the intrusive thoughts come from? I've also read about the scariest form of PPD being postpartum phsychosis and that terrifies me. I dont believe that is me, but the worrier I am makes me wonder if my intrusive thoughts stem from this disorder? It says phsychosis is triggered a few days to weeks after birth so I keep trying to calm myself since these thoughts didnt show up till much later than that.

Does anyone have any similar stories? What is your diagnosis? What meds/ therapy are you trying?

M doctor prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft. This is my second day taking them and so far I am not liking the effects. I woke up last night several times with my heart and head racing, sweats, and just feeling "out" of it.

*speedracer* · May 2010

i had intrusive thoughts but not of hurting my baby. mine were of giving him away, wishing he had never been born, etc. i also had OCD, and anxiety. i coudln't sleep and i obsessed about baby care products and diapers. (sounds weird, i know)

i was not satisfied with my meds (tried 3 different ones and different doses) and care the first time around, and just met with a new psychiatric nurse practitioner today who is more experienced with women/PPD issues. she is more aggressive and way more attentive than my previous caregivers. she will have me on 2 drugs and wants me to call and check in with her every day after this baby is born.

my heart goes out to you, because i've been there...you know that the intrusive thoughts are not really yours and they are scary but you can't stop them on your own.

I would recommend having your Dr. get you a referral to a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner ASAP so that you can get better treatment. the treatment you are describing seems very basic/generic and don't seem to match your level of concern and symptoms, IMO. It can take a long time to get in with mental health professionals so I'd have my dr arrange for it and i wouldn't leave their office until they made an appt for me.

if you do feel the thoughts overwhelming you and/or you think you might hurt anyone, go to the ER and they will take care of you.

((hugs))

MaryGiana · May 2010

Thanks for your support!

I was looking online today for a physciatrist but didnt really see any that specializes in PP Issues. I was going to call my doctor tomorrow and see if they had any referrals.

Have your intrusive thoughts gotten better with any of the medication you have tried?

I dont feel as though I would ever act on these thoughts, its just the anxiety fear of it...KWIM?

But I would definetly get help ASAP if I ever felt like I couldnt control myself. The scariest is bedtime for me, and especially if I wake in the middle of the night which I do frequently.

Sounds like your physciatrist is a good match for you, I hope shes able to help you through this.

*speedracer* · May 2010

yes, i took prozac, zoloft and wellbutrin (separately) and the lowest doses took the edge off but didn't make me feel 100% normal, if that makes sense. i had a heck of a time trying to find someone who specialized in PP issues, i actually found her through googling. the first time around i just found a random dude to just "get it done" so to speak.

i also found a support group to be really helpful. ask around at local hospitals (or google for them), our local ones meet once a week and they're free. there were people all over the spectrum in attendance, so the people who were better off gave me hope and the people worse off made me feel grateful that i wasn't in their shoes. it's a safe place to share stories like yours and the sharing and listening is so great. one of the moderators was a survivor of post partum psychosis who ended up needing inpatient treatment but she did great, got better and had a happy ending to her story.

i think just being aware of your thoughts and realizing they are irrational is really good; you deserve to live (and sleep!) without being tormented by them.

jenny1980 · May 2010

Yes, this sounds like postpartum OCD. It's awful and scary, but OCD "goes after" those things most important to you. You absolutely need to see a specialist, though. Start with a psychiatrist and ask for a referral to a cognitive behavioral psychologist. A low dose of Zoloft isn't going to be a long-term answer for this, unfortunately.

I have OCD (intrusive thoughts) and have been doing wonderfully in therapy & on 100mg of Zoloft.

Two book recommendations for you: Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: Take Control of your OCD and Imp of the Mind (which has a great section on postpartum intrusive thoughts). Both books deal with obsessive thinking of "repugnant" themes (sexual, violent, etc.)

You'll get into all of this if you go into CBT, but what is enabling your disorder right now is taking the thoughts seriously and being afraid of them. The more horrified you are with the thoughts the more likely they are to come back.

Check out www.stuckinadoorway.com--a great support forum for OCD.

I have a blog (that I need to update!) in my siggy about my experience with the disorder.

Good luck to you--you will absolutely overcome this.

jenny1980 · May 2010

Oh, two more things:

1. People with violent obsessive thoughts are extremely unlikely to act on them. You are not a danger to your baby. There is a world of difference between wanting to/planning to hurt a loved one and having an intrusive thought about doing so.

2. You can see any psychiatrist who is comfortable treating OCD--there's no need for him/her to specialize in pp disorders. Any good psych will be able to diagnose this as OCD pretty quickly and get you the help you need.

homebird · May 2010

I don't have experience with this particular pp disorder (I have PPA and panic disorder), but I just wanted to "ditto" the suggestion to see a psychiatrist. They will be able to give you the kind of attention, proper diagnoses and any meds you need.

I hope you feel better soon!

JustJanie · June 2010

I had intrusive thoughts about hurting my LO, too... and knives are a trigger for me, too. I really appreciate you honesty about it...

I'm so lucky to see a specialist. The entire practice treats only pregnant and nursing women. If you can find that, its great. I take 100mg of Zoloft daily and Ativan prn. The Ativan was really helpful at first because I was having panic attacks and it just helped me calm down and be rational again. It can be addictive, though, so I try not to take it very often.

I was worried I was psychotic, too. Women in postpartum psychosis don't typically ask for help. It helped me a lot to know that. My midwife, a friend who's an MD, and my husband all suggested this to me. It was important for me to have a "village" around me to help. Do you have that?

If you need to talk, you can PM me. I hang out on the attachment parenting board more than here.

LindsayP2007 · June 2010

I've also experienced this too. I sought one Dr. who suggested that I would have to quit breastfeeding and start on Prozac. I had a previous TERRIBLE experience with a Dr. overmedicating me in my 20's, so this was NOT the news that I had hoped to hear. I asked if there were any alternatives, and she said no. So I left, convinced that there just HAD to be a better more natural way. I started seeing a different therapist, worked on CBG therapy, learned that I was feeding a sugar addiction and pretty much self-medicating with the sugar, started seeing a nutritionist, gave up sugar and began the eat clean diet, increased protein, decreased carbs, started feeling better, started seeing a hypnotherapist, and started to give myself more love, compassion and understanding.

Now, I only have flare-ups in emotionally stressful situations. Particularly when there are big life changes - we recently moved across the country, and I've joined the local attachment parenting board, so being around like-minded parents in regards to parenting decisions, for me, has helped me to feel better about my own decisions. Not feeling judged or 'weird' is helpful, as for me, it would trigger thoughts of not being a good enough mom, etc, leading to horrific thoughts. There was a long period of time that I was afraid to go to sleep, afraid that I would do something in my sleep. So I began hiding the knives, putting the knife block on top of the refrigerator where I have to struggle to reach it (I'm fairly short), turn the baby monitors up REALLY loud (so my DH will hear if I'm a maniac), make sure that there's no harmful chemicals, medicines, etc, etc. anywhere near my reach or my DD's. Etc. Just to make myself feel better. Sadly, I have been dealing with this now for 26 1/2 months. I have sought group therapy, as well, and that was helpful, although most of the women there had been hospitalized and were doped up on lots of meds, so there was a difference in perspectives. As I stated, I had previously been on meds before and had a terrible experience with them. I wanted and still want to avoid re-experiencing it again. So, I've chosen natural remedies, and for the most part, it's helped.

I agree with PP, in that yes, the OCD thoughts will go after the things most precious to you. It's as though your mind is trying to get your attention about something else - perhaps another insecurity (mine is that my mother was abusive and horrible and I fear that I will follow in her footstep - or even WORSE), that is haunting you in the back of your mind that needs to be addressed, but is being repressed and therefore, this is your mind's way of saying, "hello? We?re insecure in here...will you listen to me now if I put THIS thought in your mind?" The mind is a very complicated thing.

If you are interested in more of my story, PM me, and we can chat...But my DD is 26 1/2 months, I've gone through everything you've experienced, and while I can say that treatment varies from person to person, know that they are just thoughts, and not actions. Build a support network of people that you trust and work through this. It most likely will not just go away on its own. And if you do find something that works instantly, w/o side effects, PLEASE let me know!

~Lindsay

Gris0630 · June 2010

I also had intrusive thoughts. I had taken Zoloft and those early side effects do go away after about a week or so. I found that if I would miss a few doses I would have those same side effects, only worse. Hope that helps and good luck to you!