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2nd Trimester
Crappy friend - Just need to vent and a little help...
So I have this girlfriend who has been my friend forever! We all have that one girlfriend that you have been through it ALL with and regardless of ups and downs, she is that kind of person that you can't just easily let go of! My friend, lets call her 'J', has always been somewhat selfish and I think it mostly is due to the fact that she is clueless about the decisions she makes and not so much that she is malicious.
With that, months ago my mom and aunt offered to throw me a shower and they gave me a few dates to choose from that worked for me. I chose the 19th of June, and this date seemed to work for them as well. Since the date was set about 3-4 months prior, I made sure I let all my good friends know so they could mark it on their calendars, obvi. if they had a prior engagement no worries, but the date was assigned way in advance for people to plan around.
So about 3 weeks ago 'J' sent me a text saying, "When is your shower again?" I said, "June 19th, i'm sure you will be receiving an invitation soon anyway." She responded with, "Ok great, thanks!"
So now lets fast forward from that point to last weekend. 'J' LOVES meeting men on militray dating sites, she has a thing for militray men, not sure why because she seems to have HORRIBLE experiences with every single one, there are 5 within the last year that I know about. So, she was telling me last weekend that she met this guy, who is in the Navy and is stationed on the other side of the country, CA, and they had been chatting online and she was going to meet him. This is a common occurrence with her, she does this often and winds up getting her heart broke a few months down the road, and can't seem to meet men in person in our own area. With that, she is free to do what she wants, I've tried to help her out in the dating/meeting men department but she doesn't listen.
Anyway, I asked her when she is going to meet this guy and she says, "June 17th." I said, "My shower is June 19th, you are going to miss it?" She says, "Ohhh I completely forgot about that!" (She said it very nonchalant, like it didn't matter, like she forgot to pick up toilet paper at the supermarket!) So I said, "You just asked me when it was 3 weeks ago how could you forget?!?" J says, "How can you expect me to remember something that long ago?" I basically went...
?!?!?!?!
Needless to say, she changed the convo, back to her situation with this guy! I was floored!!! No, "I'm sorry", no, "I'm going to change the date", no nothing!! I didn't fight with her about it, I let it go for the time being and decided I'm going to start distancing myself from her, considering she has done similar things to me in the past. I feel as though I shouldn't completely end the friendship but I think I need to put space between us for a while, because at this point I don't feel the drive to once again explain to her how to be a good friend! I feel like I have to reprimand her like a child!
I haven't been answering her text messages, which are of course convo starters about her, herself, and 'J'..and I really don't think she gets it, and she never will. I feel like I would be "beating a dead horse" lol, at this point.
I'm actually very upset about this, how would you react?
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Re: Crappy friend - Just need to vent and a little help...
Yea you are so right. Our group of friends and I decided I should wait and see if she decided to show up to say anything and even if she does, I think I still may have to let go of the strings. I think her best friend status my entire life has slowly turned into what you said: "One of those people you have known for so long that you don't know why you're friends anymore"
I had a friend like this growing up. we were friends before we even started school..in all the same classes, had all the same friends, just did everything together. She's a selfish b!tch lol. im sorry, but she is..over the years she would do things like this to me, and i would always let it go saying "ohh its not worth fighting over" well, today we are still friends. but we speak about once/twice a year...dont hang out at all. we're just basically nice when we see each other, and do a bit of catching up and thats that. i honestly have a much less stressful life without dealing with her many many problem. i grew up, she didnt..it happens.
I did that last year, and while it stung alot, and I missed her, to this day I don't regret my decision. She has tried reaching out several times and I'm always cordial but I feel better that I cut the ties. It's not easy and it's not fun, but it had to be done. To have a friend you have to BE a friend, and it doesn't sound like "J" at all.
Yea this is us, and not to mention the fact that she was TEXTING some random guy of course, in the middle of my wedding ceremony!
Anyway, can I ask you how you cut the ties? Did you talk about it, or just distance yourself?
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I made the mistake of living with her. DH went to basic training for army and she moved into our apt we had shared. for awhile it was one big party, then i got tired of it. she stopped paying rent. brought random guys in and just disrespected me to no end. We had a HUGE blowout fight and didnt talk for months. eventually we started talking again, i was really cautious at first and after awhile realized nothing changed with her. so i just basically said `listen, i love you..i do, But this has to stop..we are in different places, and i need to move on. I think its better we dont really hang out anymore, im always gonna be here if you truly need me..but until then, im done fighting.`it felt like a breakup lol and in alot of ways it was. after that i just distanced myself..i stopped calling her, stopped going around and she did the same. like i said we still talk when we see each other. it wasnt all harsh. and i do still consider her a friend..just not one i confide in or want to spend alot of time around anymore. i wish you luck.. its a hard situation
Sounds like you two are in different places in life. She is still dating and trying to find the right person and you are having a baby. She sounds a bit self-centered but it also sounds like finding a boyfriend/husband is pretty important to her at this point in her life.
I have two v. close girlfriends. We've been friends since FOREVER. We are about as different as people could be and are all at different stages in life. One has already been a mom for almost 6 years. I've been divorced and am now remarried and starting a family. The third has never been married, graduated from college and has worked at Applebee's ever since. Needless to say our lives are very very different and sometimes we just don't understand each other. That being said, we are ALWAYS there for each other and think of each other as sisters. If one of them were to miss my shower (which they won't because they offered to throw it), I would be hurt, but I wouldn't distance myself from them in any way. I would just try to be understanding. I mean this is our first child and while it is a HUGE event for us, it's really for them nor would I expect it to be.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. And if distancing yourself from this friend will make you feel better in the end, then that is what you should do.
Understand what exactly????
IMO a best friend chooses your baby shower over a "new guy" any day no matter where in her life she is.
There are two ways, IMO to distance, you can go the non confrontational way and just blow her off, making your contact fewer and far between. Or... you can tell her exactly what's on your mind, and tell her that you need some space/distance between the two of you.
The "friend" that I was talking about was supposed to be in my wedding and pitched a fit that she had to pay for her own hotel. She was upset that I had a destination wedding at Niagara Falls, and she lives in Florida. Her MOTHER called me telling me that I HAD TO pay for her the hotel/accomodations. Excuse me?????? I could absolutely understand if she didn't have the funds to commit to this event, however she makes great money and handles her finances well. With that being said, everytime the girls went out, she would always cut out early so she didn't have to pay her part of the tab. She always expected everyone else to pay for her entertainment. I go to Florida a lot and like to do things when I'm there, I just got sick and tired of funding her excursions. Because I flat out refused to fund her trip, she backed out of the wedding and went to Sanibel Island instead. Sorry, but I don't buy friendship. Like I said, if she were in the position where she needed the help, I would have helped, however the way it was handled was absurd. There was a compilation of other things, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back.
Um yea that's what I was thinking! That's why I asked her what exactly she wants me to "understand" in terms of her decision? Obv. we are ALL in different parts of our lives when we become adults but it doesn't excuse her decision at all!
Sounds just like a friend I have. Because of my shower that is happening in 3 months, that she already said she couldn't come to. But yet I have to listen to her call me every day and rant about her guy flavor of the week....I decided that I am done with her.
Remind yourself that you are at two different points in your life....she is still trying to get the point where you are!