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Blended Families
Jennifer Ruth
member
Newbie Here - Advice wanted
Jennifer Ruth
member
Hi Ladies!
I am currently expecting my first with DH and active on other Bumb boards but have only lurked on this one so far.
Brief background: DH and I have been married 11 years. DH and BM were married 7 years; they divorced before DH and I met. I have one 17yo SS. BM is remarried and has two other sons with her new H. SS lived with us for 2 years (at BM's request but his reluctance) but returned to live with his BM (at BM's and SS's request) when he was 15. BM told SS she couldn't afford to feed his brothers without the CS that DH paid her. SS is highly impressionable and easiliy manipulated. I do think he has become an expert and playing up the fact that his parents can't stand each other.
DH and I are taking SS on an Alaskan cruise next week. DH asked BM to provide a note indicating that we had permission to take SS out of the country to Canada (a couple of our ports of call include going into Canada). She agreed and said she would provide the note when she dropped him off early this week. As we understand it, this is a requirement for traveling with a minor child without both parents into Canada.
SS arrives without the note. When asked about it he said "Mom told me I didn't need one. She said now that I have a Passport and since I'd been to Canada with you guys before, I don't need one." I really can't guess whether she's trying to sabotage our trip, or was just too lazy to write it and doesn't think its a big deal if I claim to be SS's mother.
I'm VERY confident that she would be upset if she knew I was claiming to be SS's mother in other circumstances.
DH and I have taken SS to Canada before. Three years ago. Travel requirements were different--no passport, etc.
I'm not comfortable lying; and I'm certainly not comfortable lying when SS obviously knows the truth. We all three have the same last name, so I think the liklihood anyone asks is remote, but I'd rather be safe than sorry and have the note.
I asked DH to speak with her again and he doesn't want to--saying, if she doesn't want to write it, there is nothing he can do to make her. He did agree to let me send her an email referencing the rules and asking her to please fax us a note.
I sent the email yesterday and haven't gotten a response.
Is there any other way to play this?
Is the best thing to just hope that no one asks SS if he is traveling with both his parents and encourage him to lie if he is asked?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Newbie Here - Advice wanted
I would call your cruise line people or customs and ask them directly. As you said, these are different circumstances. He has a passport now. There may be different rules, or rules may have changed since the last time you guys were there.
Honestly though, with all of you having the same last name, I don't see a cruise line saying to the boy 'are these your parents?' lol. Just seems kind of silly to me. I would check though. If you do in fact need the letter, I would get ahold of her asap and get it straightened out. - That's pretty obvious though. lol
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I agree with Chrissy. I know to travel to Mexico with just one parent you need a letter from the other parent, even if the parents are married to each other. For example, if DH wanted to take DD to Mexico, he would need a letter from me.
Although to be honest, it seems kinda silly with your SS being 17 and all. I mean he could clearly speak up for himself "hey, these people are kidnaping me and taking me to Canada."
Its not really the cruise line's rules although they do give guidance about what is required for traveling with minor children to Canada. The cruise line won't ask us...but Canadian border patrol *might.*
Its a Canadian requirement (I think in response to child custody issues, etc).
The Canadian requirements can be found all over the internet. In my email to BM I sent her a link outlining Canada's rules. I don't want her to think we're asking her to jump through hoops for no reason.
Well, it seems to me you just answered your own question then, no?
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This is what we found on the US Embassy / Consular Services to Canada's website:
"Due to international concern over child abduction, children traveling with one parent, grandparents or other guardians should carry proof of custody or letters from the non-accompanying parent/s authorizing travel. (This is in addition to proof of the child's citizenship.) Travelers without such documentation may experience delays when seeking admission to another country."
Maybe I'm just being a Nervous Nellie! I swear I get creeped out every time I clear customs / borders while traveling...like I'm afraid I'll be mistaken for some international criminal or something.
Sorry, I might have been confusing. What I'm really trying to ask is: should I continue to hound BM for this note? Or hope for the best (that we're not asked if SS is my child) and lie and say that he is my child if we are asked?
As her 1 more time. The thing with the note is though that it will need to be witnessed and notarized in order for it o have any meaning. You will eed the original letter so a fax won't help.
At age 17, I would think you are ok though.
Well, personally, I'd just lie. lol. I'm so bad! But if you are worried (which you seem to be and it's totally understandable), I'd hound BM and get the note. I'd explain to her that you don't want any issues, and it would be very sad if SS didn't get to go on his vacation because she didn't provide the documentation you guys asked for in advance. I'd also explain it to SS, maybe he will get upset enough at the threat of not being able to go to make him call his mom and tell her to get you that note.
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Thanks ladies...I know, I'm totally being a worry wart and a goody-two-shoes. I guess its not really the potential for lying that bugs me, its the fact that someone else (BM) would be forcing me / us into a position to have to.
I'll give her another day to send it and contact her again if she doesn't.
I would worry about it. If he has a passport and especially if all of you have the same last name, why would the question even come up?
DH and I are taking his son on a cruise this summer and I have no intention of bringing a letter with us. We all have passports and the same last name ( however bio-mom would not hesitate to give us one if requested, she is thrilled that her son is able to go with us. )
I wouldn't worry about it at all.. I live about 2 miles from the border and honestly have never had a problem bringing other peoples kids across the border w/ out any kind of ID.
SD went over to Canada twice in the past month with her step-dad to go to a water-park, so without either of her parents and they had no issues.
My family and I went on a cruise a year ago with my SSs. We were told from the cruise line that a note was not needed because we would not be spending the night in the country we visited. We would be spending the night on the ship, which follows American laws. So we didn't need a note coming back and forth to the ship and the port we visited. Hope that helps!
BM called us last week and told us they are taking their family vacation to Seattle this year and will be going up into Canada briefly. In order for SD to even get a passport, DH had to sign an official form and have it notarized. So in that case, it just seems weird that the passport wouldn't BE authorized permission from the non-custodial parent.
Of course, that's probably a new policy and he got his passport prior to that change.
I would just go ahead and call. "BM, I really hate to be a pest, but I just re-checked the official requirements for entry to our cruise and it specifically spells out that approval letter. I realize they may not even ask for it, but we'd really hate to be in a position of missing our vacation because we don't have it. Could you please meet DH at location X to hurry and sign/notarize it? We would really appreciate it!"
I think this may be a function of the age of the child. We didn't have to have BM's approval to get SS's passport because he was already 17 at the time. I think you have to have both parents' permission if the kid is under 16 (or 16 and under) or something like that.
To fairly characterize the situation, our cruise is to Alaska and we have the option of going into Canada twice on the trip--once from Skagway, AK into the Yukon and once to Victoria, BC. We've already paid for the excursions. If, for some reason, we were denied entry into Canada because we didn't have proof of permission to travel with him, we still could stay on the ship, or just disembark in Skagway and not go into Canada. We'd be out the excursion money only, NOT the full cost of the cruise (i.e. if we just went on the ship and ONLY went into AK, we'd be fine since we' never really left the USA).
After all the advice on here, I'm thinking we'll just continue to wait for her response to my email. If she doesn't reply, we're still obviously going on the trip...a visit to Canada *might* be out, but its a smally chance we'd even be asked. I WILL NOT lie however. If this limits SS's vacation experience, he can take it up with his mother.
Everytime a minor leaves the country the parent that is not going has to sign an affidavit of consent where he/she not only gives permission for the trip but states the dates, country and duration of the trip.
I agree with you; thats why I want the letter. To be on the safe side, I believe we need to have proof of her permission to take him into another country.
With my passport story, I only meant to say that we DID NOT have to have BM's permission to get SS a passport because he was older than the age that they (the US Govt) required him to have both parents' consent to obtain a passport.
2 recommendations for you since you have to be ready. I am Cdn, and my Dad lived in the states. We were pulled over when I was 16 (and an older looking 16!) because we didn't have a note, so don't take your SS age for granted.
1. Write the note yourself and simply ask her to sign it. My husband does this since his ex is too lazy to help out. Something simple like, "I, the mother, am aware son will be gone from x to x with father, etc"
2. Another option is to bring a copy of the divorce papers if it states there is shared custody.
I don't think you'll get too hassled either way - lots of divorced ppl go back and forth with kids daily, so they are used to making judgement calls. I would strongly recommend not to ask your SS to lie. It is a bad example and can have really bad ramifications with future travel. You are honestly taking him on a trip, so just say it!
It's always better to have too much documentation than not enough. We did the Alaska cruise with DD last summer when she was 10. DD's dad passed away a few months prior, so I did not have a letter. I did, however, carry his death certificate. Did I ever need it? No. But, she was questioned a little while going through airport security in Alaska to return home. At that point, even though I didnt have to use my documentation, I was sure glad that I had it in case they decided to question things further (I should also add that we have different last names, so that might have made a difference)
Anyway, best of luck in getting the letter. Have an amazing time. It's such a beautiful cruise!
I agree with her. Even if you have to write/type it out and take it to her at home or work, I would do it. I still don't understand why people are dang stubborn. I don't have trouble from my ex-husband about things and I wish everyone could get along like that. We may not agree on everything but we don't do stupid stuff like this. We are both flexiable with our days etc.
Thanks for all the input, I really especially appreciate the stories of first-hand travel and the thumb-ups for the AK cruises!
I don't understand why she is being so difficult either! Its very frustrating...I feel like we have a 95% chance of not even being questioned but why take the chance when there is something that can clearly be done about it?
My husband and SS feel differently (and at 17, I feel like we do have to consider his input--he does live with her and she can be retaliatory). Both of them feel like she's been asked twice for this letter and has not provided it which clearly demonstrates her unwillingness to do so. Rather than continue to pester her (which I am totally find doing up to and including showing up at her work with a pre-written letter for her to sign), both of them would prefer to just take our changes (agreeing that we will not lie about SS's parentage).
I agree, lying to an authority sets a horrible example for a teenager (or any child for that matter).
If SS is denyed entry to Canada for our cruise excursions, he can always just stay on the ship (he'll be a HS Senior next year; we're perfectly comfortable leaving him alone for a few hours).
SS will be disappointed about missing the excursion if it comes to that, but if he feels strongly about not asking his mother again for the note, he'll be the one bearing the brunt of the consequences of her in-action.
I feel badly for him if this winds up being the case, but I'm not sure what else I can do. At the end of the day, no one can force her to do anything she doesn't want to do.