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Babies: 3 - 6 Months
For those opposed to CIO, do you think "this" is mean?
I originally too thought CIO was mean until I knew that when people said they let their baby CIO for 20 minutes, that that meant going in to check and pat shoosh every 5 minutes or whatever your limit is 2, 3 minutes for a given time until you give up. Then slowly increasing the amount of time by a minute. I do this and don't feel it's mean. Of course if she's wailing, I will stop all together, but for a little fussy cry I think it's ok. Just curious if those against it if you feel even this is mean because my understanding of CIO was the whole 20 min you let them cry before I knew this was how it really was.
I let DD CIO with me going in every 4 minutes and say I'd do it for 20 minutes, but usually it only takes 10. Anyway, just curious of your thoughts on what CIO means to you.
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Re: For those opposed to CIO, do you think "this" is mean?
That's not what everyone means by CIO. Some people literally mean they let their babies cry until they fall asleep, be it 20 minuets or an hour.
I will let LO fuss a bit but if it turns into a full on cry I am in there.
well i think if you read their cues they hardle have to cio anyway usually just when trying something new like crib transition, naps in crib,etc
and thats usually only for a few days till the get it
I agree. Everybody has their own methods and I have no problem with that. I personally hate to hear DS cry and refuse to let him just CIO. On the other hand - I don't have crying issues with him so maybe I just don't see the other side of things.
I agree with pp. To me, CIO is to let them cry until they are too exhausted and fall asleep. L fusses when we put him down, but I go in every few minutes (usually 2-3 min when I first put him down and gradually increase the time up to 5-6 min apart) we check on him, pat him and offer a binky etc. He usually falls asleep within 10-15 mins.
However, we do not and unless something else is wrong (if he was sick maybe) we wouldnt sit in there with him the whole time he was falling asleep.
I thought the same thing till i started asking people and no one said they let them go for 20 minutes without checking....I do feel that is mean until your baby is at least over 6 months, maybe much older even. hmmmm.
To a lot of people by definition or ferberizing that is CIO. Not mean in my opinion if there is fussing and you go and check. letting a baby cry to exhaustion for 20 minutes is pretty mean IMO.
I posted a few days ago how we were trying the Ferber method and everyone jumped on me that I was starting too young and shouldn't let my baby CIO. I see no problem with going in every few minutes to comfort him. If it goes on too long I do pick him up which according to the Ferber book is not the right thing to do either and if you are just going to do that to begin with you should just pick your baby up to begin with.
I think you have to do what you have to do to keep your sanity. I bet pretty much everyone on this board has let her baby cry for some amount of time because you just need to regroup yourself for a few minutes before going back in. It's only natural to need a break on those incredibly fussy days.
there is a difference between fussing and wailing. if she's wailing which is really rare of course i wouldn't let her cio. but fussy crying for 4 minutes, go in check and pat, leave, etc. usually lasts a lot less than 20 minutes and again i only do this when i am trying something new such as when i did the transition to the crib or now i'm doing one nap in the crib. this morning she fussed/cried for 2 minutes and then was asleep. i don't think that's mean.
Oh trust me, I know there is a big difference between fussing and wailing. Fussing here usually ends up in wailing, but we let him fuss for awhile and if it ends up in wailing I ultimately end up picking him up. I think because he's learned I will pick him up it has become more and more rare that fussing will result in him falling asleep.
I used Ferber with my DD and I don't think it was mean. I'll use it again with my DS.
To me, CIO means you put your baby down and if they cry, they cry. You don't go in to their room AT ALL and just let them cry until they fall asleep.
I usually only let LO cry for 5 min max, but that's just me. I don't have an overly fussy baby and she never usually cries longer, and in the rare times where she has, it was probably because she was hungry and i can't get the bottle prepped fast enough, or overtired; this is usually in the daytime. At night, she'd wake up occasionally, but i let her cry for at least a minute before i even think about going in there. With the last few nights of going cold turkey on the swaddle, i let it go longer, 5 min is typically my rule. I know that she's crying because she's not used to sleeping without the swaddle. So i give her sometime to adjust and see if she can soothe herself to sleep. I don't think i can go longer than 5 min at night, and LO has always settled down in less than 5 min.
I agree with this. If you've ever had a baby with colic or one that at 4, 5, 6+ months old still isn't sleeping longer stretches at night you hit a point where you just have to let them cry.
With DS's colic I usually just sit and hold him while he cries- there's nothing I can do for the colic but you bet I can turn on music, walk him around and just cuddle him to let him know mommy is here.
However, when we are on hour 3 of straight red-faced hysterical screaming (and I'm usually alone) you can bet I have put him in his crib and walked into another room for a few minutes. It kills me to walk away while he's crying like that, but if I don't I might go insane.
I think any form of CIO, including Ferber where baby is checked at regular intervals, is harsh IMO.
You have to understand an infant doesn't have object permanence. When you leave, even if it's just for 2-3 minutes, they don't realize mommy is in the other room. They're alone. They're scared.
I think when there are serious sleep disturbances, the benefits outweigh the risks for sure. A baby not getting the necessary amount of sleep for their age certainly isn't good for them. Someone in here posted recently their child got up 14 times a night at 5 months old-sure, let your baby CIO then. Letting LO CIO just so they stop being "needy" isn't appropriate at all, especially before 6 months, IMO.
Is the colic getting better? I hear it usually clears up by four months. Hopefully you're in the home stretch!
That would be me! I am the crazy woman who almost checked myself into a mental institution because my 5 month old was up 14 times a night!!! And a week and a half into Ferber, I have my sanity back and my child is sleeping - with absolutely no crying whatsoever.
Here's an interesting perspective. In the 2 months of sleep disturbances we had, my DS cried more on a daily basis than he cried on his worst day of Ferber (day 3). I thought I had a chronically difficult and grumpy child. He cried all the time. All hours of the day and night. Despite all the rocking, shhhhing, and nursing DH and I were doing - he cried a lot.
Guess what - he's not a grumpy child - he was a tired child. The only time he even fusses now is when he's tired or when his teeth are hurting him. Seriously - I have a new child!
So in that regard, the success we have had with Ferber has caused my child to cry less on a daily basis.
And while I do know that babies do not have object permanence, I don't necessarily think that when they are alone for 2-3 minutes that they are scared. I have to leave my LO in his crib when I go to the bathroom, or when I'm getting his bath ready . . . and he's not scared - he plays by himself just fine. Sure, in some cases they may be scared. But I think frequently the crying or fussing comes from confusion. They are unsure because they are being asked to learn something that is new - ie: falling asleep without a boob in their mouth. I really don't believe that when I took my boob out of DS's mouth and put him in his crib awake, he was scared - I think he just didn't have a clue what he was supposed to do or how to do it. We tried to teach him a ton of different ways - all of which failed except for letting him fuss for short intervals of time while we would periodically check on him.
I know Ferber / progressive waiting isn't for everyone. If you had asked me 2 months ago, I would have said it wasn't for us. That was before I had a child who cried all day and all night because all he wanted was my boob . . .
It is definitely getting better in the sense that on average he's crying for about 2 hours a day. Some days we get lucky and he doesn't cry at all.
I personally am still not convinced it's just colic and not something else (for various reasons) so I'll be talking to the pedi at his appointment tomorrow.
It's rough for sure but I'm lucky that on Tue/Wed when DH is off work he takes over with DS (except for feedings) and I get a bit of a break.