VENT about irresponsible women

brideonjuly8 · May 2010

Found out this week that 2 of my cousins (one on DH's side, one on mine) are pregnant. No, not pregnant as in YAY, pregnant as in, WOW, you're 20, no job, no bf, no degree, and one already has a kid she can't take care of and the other has an older sister who got ku from a one-night stand and saw what she went through. Wouldn't you think they would both be careful? It's called a condom. UGH.

Nessia · May 2010

FireChiefsBride · May 2010

You know, both of my sisters got "ku" on accident, kinda similar situations. Degrees weren't exactly an option in my family; it was more like survival = success. People's situations can be very different and sometimes they're okay in their situation. Things work out. It's tough, sure. But the mothering reward kicks in and they figure out how to make things work. Not burden the system welfare, or even ask others for favors.

I know that may not be your point, and I don't mean this as a personal attack. Sometimes it just bothers me when it's implied that if the situation isn't ideal that a woman shouldn't have a baby. Condoms break. Depo doesn't always work. And I won't be hypocritical enough to say I didn't have a one-night-stand or two. It's just that life goes on, and as long as the kid is loved and fed, things just may be okay.

luluAXA · May 2010

FireChiefsBride:

I know that may not be your point, and I don't mean this as a personal attack. Sometimes it just bothers me when it's implied that if the situation isn't ideal that a woman shouldn't have a baby. Condoms break. Depo doesn't always work. And I won't be hypocritical enough to say I didn't have a one-night-stand or two. It's just that life goes on, and as long as the kid is loved and fed, things just may be okay.

Yes

ali-1411 · May 2010

FireChiefsBride:
You know, both of my sisters got "ku" on accident, kinda similar situations. Degrees weren't exactly an option in my family; it was more like survival = success. People's situations can be very different and sometimes they're okay in their situation. Things work out. It's tough, sure. But the mothering reward kicks in and they figure out how to make things work. Not burden the system welfare, or even ask others for favors.

I know that may not be your point, and I don't mean this as a personal attack. Sometimes it just bothers me when it's implied that if the situation isn't ideal that a woman shouldn't have a baby. Condoms break. Depo doesn't always work. And I won't be hypocritical enough to say I didn't have a one-night-stand or two. It's just that life goes on, and as long as the kid is loved and fed, things just may be okay.

Yes

I was pretty dumb and irresponsible at 19 years old - loser boyfriend, no degree and my only job was cutting grass. I'm so grateful my family supported me instead of judging me, and now I have a happy 8 year old as a result.

MrsAJL · May 2010

FireChiefsBride:
You know, both of my sisters got "ku" on accident, kinda similar situations. Degrees weren't exactly an option in my family; it was more like survival = success. People's situations can be very different and sometimes they're okay in their situation. Things work out. It's tough, sure. But the mothering reward kicks in and they figure out how to make things work. Not burden the system welfare, or even ask others for favors.

I know that may not be your point, and I don't mean this as a personal attack. Sometimes it just bothers me when it's implied that if the situation isn't ideal that a woman shouldn't have a baby. Condoms break. Depo doesn't always work. And I won't be hypocritical enough to say I didn't have a one-night-stand or two. It's just that life goes on, and as long as the kid is loved and fed, things just may be okay.

Or in other words: sh*t happens. Life goes on and things work themselves out. Not the end of the world.

Taytee · May 2010

I got out of bed almost an hour early to come downstairs and reply to this post since I don't know how to post on my iPhone yet.

RAINBOWS AND PUPPIES AND FREAKING BUTTERFLIES.

If you get in a car accident running a red light but you meet the man of your dreams, was a still a good thing you got in the car accident? Sure, good things can and do happen from bad situations, that doesn't mean the original situation is something good that other people should strive for and for me that's kind of a good indicator of wrong vs right. Ask yourself "Would I want this for my child?" or "Would I want this for my sister?". I don't think so.

We can all point to somene who has either been a great mom under less than perfect circumstances. Kids who turned out great despite their dad(or in my case, my immature mom) never being in the picture and all the trauma and mental anguish that comes along with it. However, there are children starving daily in our communities because people who weren't ready to become parents had them. Think of all the presents on the Angel Tree at Christmas - again, parents who can't afford to provide for their little ones. Foster Care. Child Abuse. I could go on and on. But basically, time and time again, it's been shown than when children are born to young, poor, inexperienced, undereducated people, the outcome is usually NOT overwhelmingly positive.

Just ask the many teachers on our board what becomes of these kids.

You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.

There. I said it.

Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.

mlf625 · May 2010

Taytee:
You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.
There. I said it.
Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.

Right. On.

And that's coming from the daughter of a 17 & 20 year old (then) unmarried couple. The amazing, surprising success story that is my parents is the exception, not the rule.

bobcatsteph · May 2010

mlf625:
Taytee:
You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.
There. I said it.
Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.
Right. On.
And that's coming from the daughter of a 17 & 20 year old (then) unmarried couple. The amazing, surprising success story that is my parents is the exception, not the rule.

Ditto! Only my parents were both high school seniors and got married 3 months before I was born.

FireChiefsBride · May 2010

bobcatsteph:
mlf625:
Taytee:

You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.

There. I said it.

Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.

Right. On.

And that's coming from the daughter of a 17 & 20 year old (then) unmarried couple. The amazing, surprising success story that is my parents is the exception, not the rule.

Ditto! Only my parents were both high school seniors and got married 3 months before I was born.

But this is kind of my point. People turn out okay all the time. I get that that isn't always the case, but what's with the judgement?

Taytee · May 2010

My judgement is only half the result of my profession but has definitely made me more jaded than I was before. I see a lot of really sad situations. I see many situations that have been made worse by an unexpected pregnancy. Like I said, there are wonderful stories to be told but the statistics don't lie.

I'm sad that as a society we aren't teaching our youth that pregnancy should wait and teaching them how to accomplish that. I think we're robbing them of so much growing up and I see that now that I have kids. How much of my time is spent surviving and not really taking care of myself or developing my relationships. People need time to grow before taking on the responsibility of parenthood.

As for the family members who get KU and we judge? Well that's because we've seen first hand how much they've already managed to eff up their own life and now they're adding a kid to it. It's hard to celebrate when the new Uncle is going to be someone you've only heard bad things about for the last year ! KWIM?

misjenn · May 2010

Taytee:
My judgement is only half the result of my profession but has definitely made me more jaded than I was before. I see a lot of really sad situations. I see many situations that have been made worse by an unexpected pregnancy. Like I said, there are wonderful stories to be told but the statistics don't lie.

I'm sad that as a society we aren't teaching our youth that pregnancy should wait and teaching them how to accomplish that. I think we're robbing them of so much growing up and I see that now that I have kids. How much of my time is spent surviving and not really taking care of myself or developing my relationships. People need time to grow before taking on the responsibility of parenthood.

As for the family members who get KU and we judge? Well that's because we've seen first hand how much they've already managed to eff up their own life and now they're adding a kid to it. It's hard to celebrate when the new Uncle is going to be someone you've only heard bad things about for the last year ! KWIM?

I totally agree and this is coming from someone who got KU without being married, on nuva ring, and was told by a handful of OB's that I would have a hard time conceiving because of a handful of issues. With that being said I had a degree, my own house, and had been dating DH for a long time before I got KU. I think if you are young and immature its very hard to understand the realm of what is about to happen to you when your child is born. I think it is much more responsible to give a child up through adoption or other means then to have a child that is going to be born into an immature situation.

Nessia · May 2010

FireChiefsBride:
bobcatsteph:
mlf625:
Taytee:

You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.

There. I said it.

Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.

Right. On.

And that's coming from the daughter of a 17 & 20 year old (then) unmarried couple. The amazing, surprising success story that is my parents is the exception, not the rule.

Ditto! Only my parents were both high school seniors and got married 3 months before I was born.

But this is kind of my point. People turn out okay all the time. I get that that isn't always the case, but what's with the judgement?

An accident is one thing, but if it happens 2x is it still an accident? Yes, it's great when you have a success story but there are a lot of sad stories too. I have cousins that ended up pregnant, not once but 2 or 3 times and then depend on someone else (not a spouse) to support them. Those are not accidents. That's just stupidity. The sad part is the babies. The babies have done nothing wrong. It's so sad to hear all these women on this board who have had struggles getting pregnant and can't but some young reckless girls do get pregnant.

Mainer-in-Texas · May 2010

I agree with bride and Taytee on this one. But I have several family members that got repeatedly KU'd in bad situations. And yeah, I judge them as irresponsible. One was hooked on heroin and homeless, and the other was with various abusive men. And they each have had three kids with multiple men. And the kids suffer for it. They ALL get upset that they don't have fathers.

naijawife:
Aren't you adopted bride? I have a feeling your birth mom could have been in a similar situation as you described above. I know my birth mom was and I felt the way you do about irresponsible women for a looong time however I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't so irresponsible. No babies are a mistake, period.

And I wanted to specifically respond to this by saying I think women who give up their children for adoption because they aren't ready to take care of a them ARE being responsible and I really admire them.

brideonjuly8 · May 2010

naijawife:

Aren't you adopted bride? I have a feeling your birth mom could have been in a similar situation as you described above. I know my birth mom was and I felt the way you do about irresponsible women for a looong time however I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't so irresponsible. No babies are a mistake, period.

I never, EVER EVER said that any baby is a mistake. Yes, I would not be here had my birth mother been responsible about sex, but she gave me up for adoption, which IS a responsible choice. These 2 cousins I speak of are NOT giving their babies up, despite one being on welfare already, and the other seeing her older sister go through hell having a baby with no job, no babydaddy, etc. All I was saying was I thought they would have been more careful, seeing as what they have already been through.

This will likely NOT turn out to be a good situation. The one who already has a kid and on welfare is thrown from home to home while her mother, which right now is her only means of support and $$, is in and out of marriages and prison for drugs.

katattack · May 2010

Mainer-in-Texas:

naijawife:
Aren't you adopted bride? I have a feeling your birth mom could have been in a similar situation as you described above. I know my birth mom was and I felt the way you do about irresponsible women for a looong time however I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't so irresponsible. No babies are a mistake, period.

And I wanted to specifically respond to this by saying I think women who give up their children for adoption because they aren't ready to take care of a them ARE being responsible and I really admire them.

I don't think that was her point. Her point was her birth mother's irresponsibility was getting pregnant, not giving her up.

btrrcupbride · May 2010

Someone could have written this post about me when I was 20. Married young, to a drug addicted, abusive man w/ no education and pregnant for the second time. You don't know the future and CAN NOT predict how it will turn out. My path to where I am not was not pretty. I would not trade my two beautiful, wonderful, resilient, loving, smart teenagers for ANYTHING in the world. And to imply I should have put them up for adoption b/c you judge people in my situation is offensive.
You can't judge until you have walked in someone's shoes.
If you CAN predict the future, please let me know b/c we can get rich together!

brideonjuly8 · May 2010

btrrcupbride:
And to imply I should have put them up for adoption b/c you judge people in my situation is offensive.

Jeez. The girls that I'm venting about are NOT married, are virtually homeless and have no money to buy anything for their babies, and one has no support from family. I never said all cases of unmarried pregnacies should result in adoption, did I? In fact, I never even said my cousins should give their babies up. I said it was a responsible choice. Giving a baby up for adoption doesn't mean they aren't loved by their biological parents, it's being able to give them everything they need.

I don't believe I have said anything offensive to anyone, other than my cousins. And honestly, they would probably agree with me. But OOPS, there I go again, predicting the future.

mlf625 · May 2010

brideonjuly8:
btrrcupbride:
And to imply I should have put them up for adoption b/c you judge people in my situation is offensive.
Jeez. The girls that I'm venting about are NOT married, are virtually homeless and have no money to buy anything for their babies, and one has no support from family. I never said all cases of unmarried pregnacies should result in adoption, did I? In fact, I never even said my cousins should give their babies up. I said it was a responsible choice. Giving a baby up for adoption doesn't mean they aren't loved by their biological parents, it's being able to give them everything they need.
I don't believe I have said anything offensive to anyone, other than my cousins. And honestly, they would probably agree with me. But OOPS, there I go again, predicting the future.

Bride, I totally know where you're coming from and I think the reactions have been blown out of proportion. Even my own mom would tell you that while she doesn't regret ME (duh! I'm fabulous!) it wasn't the easiest or wisest path. Sure, it all worked out beautifully in the end (and has for some of the women here as well, clearly) but that doesn't mean we should celebrate young women/girls putting themselves into a very difficult situation.

CollieJade · May 2010

I can definitely see both sides of this issue, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't feel the same way Bride did if *I* had an unmarried, destitute family member who got pregnant with #2 by accident when she couldn't take care of #1. I'm pretty sure I'd think that family member was really acting irresponsibly. Not to say it won't turn out okay, because it could...but it does sound like she has just made life 10X harder for herself and her kids by not choosing to go to great lengths to prevent getting pregnant AGAIN and just adding to what's already a tough, tough road for all involved.

brideonjuly8 · May 2010

naijawife:
brideonjuly8:
naijawife:

Aren't you adopted bride? I have a feeling your birth mom could have been in a similar situation as you described above. I know my birth mom was and I felt the way you do about irresponsible women for a looong time however I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't so irresponsible. No babies are a mistake, period.

I never, EVER EVER said that any baby is a mistake. Yes, I would not be here had my birth mother been responsible about sex, but she gave me up for adoption, which IS a responsible choice. These 2 cousins I speak of are NOT giving their babies up, despite one being on welfare already, and the other seeing her older sister go through hell having a baby with no job, no babydaddy, etc. All I was saying was I thought they would have been more careful, seeing as what they have already been through.

This will likely NOT turn out to be a good situation. The one who already has a kid and on welfare is thrown from home to home while her mother, which right now is her only means of support and $$, is in and out of marriages and prison for drugs.

I know you didn't say they were a mistake, I said that on my own. Yes of course they should be more responsible but just because they are on welfare doesn't mean they will be awful Mother's, at least they are able to take care of their child's basic needs for the time being. Who's to say your cousins won't eventually get their act together, grow up and become more responsible parents. I didn't hear you say they were abusing the children that they have now, if so that would be more upsetting.

holy hell, i never said they would be awful mothers on welfare. ??? where are you getting this?! All I said was that she was ALREADY on welfare, so obviously needs assistance from the gov't to provide what her child needs. who in their right mind would think it's a good thing to have yet another child you cannot take care of? I'm just sad for her and the kiddos. And sure, it could work out great in the end, but I know for a fact there will never be a "parents" in this situation. The dad is long gone. Hopefully she will find someone to love her and her kids, I pray for that.

And I'm DONE with this. I'm tired of people making shitup that I didn't say. My vent is over!

brideonjuly8 · May 2010

mlf625:

Bride, I totally know where you're coming from and I think the reactions have been blown out of proportion. Even my own mom would tell you that while she doesn't regret ME (duh! I'm fabulous!) it wasn't the easiest or wisest path. Sure, it all worked out beautifully in the end (and has for some of the women here as well, clearly) but that doesn't mean we should celebrate young women/girls putting themselves into a very difficult situation.

thanks for this. ugh, I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate. I just hate to see my family in tough situations.

batsteph · May 2010

I hear you Bride.

I have a niece who, at 21, has been and may still be using marijuana, meth, and heroin; not to mention the heavy drinking. She's already served several months in a federal prison. I don't know if she's finished her GED. She lives with her boyfriend, but she still takes her laundry to her mom's house -- and her mom washes it and folds it for her. She can't manage to hold down a job and has already been fired from Taco Bell and Subway this calendar year alone. She and her boyfriend (he's 28 and they've been living together since she was 18) decided that they want to get married this July, and now she has her mom doing backflips planning a wedding on a tight timeline and an even tighter (for her mom) budget. She and the boyfriend are contributing only themselves to the wedding. They can't be bothered to make phone calls, offer up ideas, or contribute even a few dollars. (Clearly there are some issues her with her mom enabling her behavior...)

Anyway, she was planning on getting pregnant before the wedding thing ever came up, and I'm sure she'll be pregnant pronto now if she's not already. I and the rest of the family will not be happy to see this pregnancy happen. She and the boyfriend have demonstrated time and again that they're not even responsible enough to take care of themselves; I don't know how they'll magically grow responsible enough to also take care of a baby in a relatively short period of time.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that we won't welcome her future babies fully and joyfully into the family. Not rejoicing when a young woman who, to all outward appearances, has no business having babies right now gets pregnant does not mean that you don't love the child who is the product of that pregnancy. It doesn't even mean that you don't love the mommy. It just means that you're sad to see the difficulties she and her new family are about to face. And, in the case of my cousin, pretty legitimately concerned about the potential health risks to the baby due to probable drug use during and after pregnancy.

I wish the best for your family and the babies, Bride! And I sincerely hope they and their mommies will grow up to be the kind of success stories we have here on our board. Those are the kinds of stories we can all celebrate.

AustinAggie · May 2010

I'm with ya, Bride. It's irresponsible regardless of who did it and why. It's plain stupid when it's the second time around for you or you've witnessed how the situation progresses via a sister/friend/etc. firsthand.

I bet, statistically speaking, "oops" blessings born to young mothers are due to complete lack of using protection (being irresponsible) and "oops" blessings born to those older, more educated women are a product of the 1-2% of the times that birth control does not work. One of those groups were trying to be responsible and can likely handle all the changes and challenges that a baby will bring. The other group, well maybe, maybe not.

Kudos to you, if you are an exception to the rule.

Bride needed to vent because she was frustrated with the situation. We all come here to do the same once in a while. Jeez. My youngest sister was 16 and there were SO many reasons that it was bad, you can bet that I did my fair share of venting. And, then came more venting when I had trouble getting pg at 30 and she's a fertile Myrtle. We all know people here who've had trouble and it IS frustrating when this sort of thing happens and others that are ready for a baby, have such a hard time.

carlinlp · May 2010

Zip it!

Another irresponsible, young, was in a horrible marriage at the time I got pg with Ty, mom. I'm certain there were a lot of people standing around judging me way back then too. Sad

Taytee · May 2010

carlinlp = threadkiller

FYI - For those who don't kow or remember, I was my mom's 3rd baby when she was 19. Her family was very poor, possibily abusive from what I can tell and very undereducated. I think she did the right thing by letting my dad raise me from age 3 on. She was barely surviving raising baby #2 in a trailer in Harker Heights (baby #1 lived with his father and grandparents). But she did the wrong thing when she took 25 years to contact me. But I liken it to a sort of giving me up for adoption and I've come to accept it in many ways. She called me 4 years ago. I still haven't called her back. *shrug*

bobcatsteph · May 2010

FireChiefsBride:
bobcatsteph:
mlf625:
Taytee:

You can blow all the sunshine you want up the ass of this issue and it doesn't change the fact that it's not ideal and most are not the result of failed birth control.

There. I said it.

Yes, every child is a blessing. Babies are beautiful. Blahdy blah. I just wish more of these blessings would happen to the people I know who are ready instead of all the people who aren't.

Right. On.

And that's coming from the daughter of a 17 & 20 year old (then) unmarried couple. The amazing, surprising success story that is my parents is the exception, not the rule.

Ditto! Only my parents were both high school seniors and got married 3 months before I was born.

But this is kind of my point. People turn out okay all the time. I get that that isn't always the case, but what's with the judgement?

I am lucky that my situation turned out okay but there are lots of other situations that do not turn out okay. If younger generations see that it's no big deal, what's going to stop them from following in those footsteps?

bobcatsteph · May 2010

mlf625:
brideonjuly8:
btrrcupbride:
And to imply I should have put them up for adoption b/c you judge people in my situation is offensive.
Jeez. The girls that I'm venting about are NOT married, are virtually homeless and have no money to buy anything for their babies, and one has no support from family. I never said all cases of unmarried pregnacies should result in adoption, did I? In fact, I never even said my cousins should give their babies up. I said it was a responsible choice. Giving a baby up for adoption doesn't mean they aren't loved by their biological parents, it's being able to give them everything they need.
I don't believe I have said anything offensive to anyone, other than my cousins. And honestly, they would probably agree with me. But OOPS, there I go again, predicting the future.
Bride, I totally know where you're coming from and I think the reactions have been blown out of proportion. Even my own mom would tell you that while she doesn't regret ME (duh! I'm fabulous!) it wasn't the easiest or wisest path. Sure, it all worked out beautifully in the end (and has for some of the women here as well, clearly) but that doesn't mean we should celebrate young women/girls putting themselves into a very difficult situation.

Exactly.

I'm just going to nominate mlf to speak for me..she says things better than I do.

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