depressing confession
Okay. I just have to say this, and I am not trying to get sympathy or attention. I realize that most people on this board have been through many more infertility-related problems/treatments than DH and I have been, and have been trying for much longer than us, but I just have to let this out.
Ever since my eggs didn't fertilize, I have been TERRIFIED that I am never going to have my husband's baby. Terrified down to the pit of my stomach. Terrified to the bone. Being told that we are "unexplained" is just really starting to get to me because I just want a reason for all of this. I feel completely stuck. My family doesn't get it, my friends don't get it, heck even my therapist doesn't get it. I feel like I am losing the life I have worked so hard for right before my eyes, and I am completely helpless. My jealousy of friends and family who are pregnant and or have kids is controlling my life right now, and its like trying to ignore the strongest itch you could imagine. I'm more scared to try again now than I was after my m/c. There is always a part of me that feels angry. Lastly, I feel guilty because I know that there are a lot of people who have it much worse than me, and I should feel fortunate for everything that I do have.
Ugh, I sound so whiny, I know. I want to slap myself.
Thanks for listening.
Re: depressing confession
((((hugs)))))
I think you took some of the words right out of my mouth. We are pretty much diagnosed as unexplained as well and I feel the same way. They found out I was hypothyroid about a year ago, but my levels have been under control for the past at least six months, and we are now right back at unexplained. It sucks, I know.
You aren't the only one who feels that way - I have that terrified feeling too.
*hugs*
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
I'm sorry. ((hugs))
I feel that way all the time too. I'm sure I won't have my DH's child, I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll never have a baby. I'd like to say it gets easier, and some days are easier than others - but it still hurts.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm not unexplained, but I'm just about at the end of the road (at least with my own eggs) and the thought of it all is more than I can take. I feel helpless (and I'm a control freak), I feel like no one understands, jealousy is ruling my life and affecting relationships with my immediate family (my younger sister is pg) and I thought our bond was rock-solid. I'm angry, and feel guilty about it because I do have a great husband, job, house, etc. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but it is so hard when the one thing you want is out of your reach.
You're not whining ? you just had a very traumatic experience and you are allowed to be upset about it. ((HUGS))?
Early loss 10/08
Lap 1/09
IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
2 frosties but don't know what's next
FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
I think you have done a good job explaining it and I for sure feel the same way. I'm sorry we have to go through this it just brings out so many emotions.
*Hope you don't mine my response*
Those feelings are completely normal. Actually, until this day, I still get them. Even now that I am pg, it feels completely surreal. God has a plan for us all, and at the moment it is hard to understand what it is. Your time will come... I know it is easier said than done, but it will. Stay positive. GL on your journey, and may the remainder be a short one.
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
I could have written this post. I feel like same way from time to time. The fear of the what if it never happens is probably the worst part. I'm unexplained too, and although I'm thankful that everything checks out okay, I fear that their is a major problem that I are missing and I wish like nothing else that they would find the cause so maybe we could "fix" it.
((hugs))
Thank you IVF for our little miracles!!
This! I have a friend IRL who has gained so much from her therapist, who specalizes in IF.
Sorry you are feeling so down - this is definitely the place to vent as there are many here who understand. (((HUGS)))
Tara & Dave - TTC since September 2006
PCOS - dx 1999 (amenorrhea) | freakishly long fallopian tubes
Hypoglycemic | thyroid issues | severely anemic
Multiple Clomid cycles of 50, 100, 150 - absolutely no response
Follistim 50/100 | Follistim 75/125 | Follistim 100/150 IUI - all BFNs
Converted IVF - BFP - m/c | FET - BFN | IVF #2 = BFN
IVF #3
We are also unexplained, and my DH has VERY strong blood lines. They have a family farm that has been passed down through generations to the eldest son. Of course my husband is the oldest, and really wants a little boy to pass on what so many generations have worked hard for. It really scares me, and makes me very sad to think that maybe, because of me, I may not be able to give him that... he is very supportive, but I know behind all the positiveness, he is also very scared. Good luck on your Journey