here is the deal...

surfergirlkona · May 2010

Test is still negative. Doc is still making me do blood work tomorrow, which I am not happy about. We do not plan doing another IUI.

1) Doc isn't even sure if I am going to respond to the meds and says that this happens. We had a long conversation yesterday about this and the fact that I have low ovarian reserve.

2) I can't deal with the hormones or the whole process. I am not strong enough for this. I hate myself on these drugs.

3) DH needs to get his surgeries taken care of, which puts us out to just after summer. His health is obviously of the utmost importance.

Yes, I realize I am on a huge let down train, but I really can't keep doing this. Instead of spending all this money again, I am going to take a much needed vacation this summer. I feel the need to move on in life. End of pity party.

KristysRedBarn · May 2010

Hugs Kona. That's a very difficult decision to make.

3ltlones · May 2010

I'm so sorry Kona. I understand you feeling this way, it is a huge let down, it sucks. You are strong though, of course you are, or you wouldn't have gone this far. Sometimes though when you feel let down you feel like the wind has gotten knocked out of you and you won't ever get back up.

I think if you want to take a break for the summer and go do fun things, that is absolutely what you should do because it's going to make you feel good. Hugs, I'm so sorry.

Scout05 · May 2010

Huge hugs, honey. And yes, I think a break can be really needed. You guys have been through so much, and it's more than two people can stand. This just all really, really sucks.

rjl07 · May 2010

I'm sorry Kona. I know how frustrated you are. ((hugs))

suntoto · May 2010

Those meds are something awful. I have told my DH numerous times, that he is a saint for putting up with me on them. But Kona, know this: the first IUI does not always work b/c the Dr's are still figuring out how your body works and responds to the meds. Everyone is different.

I am so sorry to hear that your DH needs surgery. I hope he heals and recovers quickly.

TTC sucks goat balls.

pepomntpat · May 2010

{{hugs}} I am sorry.

hking76 · May 2010

I'm so sorry you had to make that decision, I can't imagine how difficult it was. Ugh... I'm just so sorry. [[hugs]] Left Hug

surfergirlkona · May 2010

suntoto:
Those meds are something awful. I have told my DH numerous times, that he is a saint for putting up with me on them. But Kona, know this: the first IUI does not always work b/c the Dr's are still figuring out how your body works and responds to the meds. Everyone is different.
I am so sorry to hear that your DH needs surgery. I hope he heals and recovers quickly.
TTC sucks goat balls.

I do understand the meds and protocol. However, when your doctor isn't too optimistic it is hard to be optimistic yourself. I do not want to do this again. At all. I know you have been trying to be realistic with me and all that great stuff, but I am broken. I will never be a happy, whole person again if I do not do what I need to for myself.

I have learned one big lesson in life. Be careful of what you say and wish for. I never told you guys, but DH and I never wanted kids when we got together. When we began to get serious. We had a "talk" about kids. I told him I do not want kids and if he does, our relationship would end right there because I would not take that away from him in life. Obviously it was how he felt too. Well, I guess I put this out into the universe too much because it listened to us.

AppleRidge · May 2010

I wish you didn't have to wait any longer, but I understand that it might be the right thing to do in this context.

I still have high hopes for IUIs for you, and for IVF if it comes to that. You will get there, no matter what the timetable is.

3ltlones · May 2010

surfergirlkona:
suntoto:
Those meds are something awful. I have told my DH numerous times, that he is a saint for putting up with me on them. But Kona, know this: the first IUI does not always work b/c the Dr's are still figuring out how your body works and responds to the meds. Everyone is different.
I am so sorry to hear that your DH needs surgery. I hope he heals and recovers quickly.
TTC sucks goat balls.
I do understand the meds and protocol. However, when your doctor isn't too optimistic it is hard to be optimistic yourself. I do not want to do this again. At all. I know you have been trying to be realistic with me and all that great stuff, but I am broken. I will never be a happy, whole person again if I do not do what I need to for myself.
I have learned one big lesson in life. Be careful of what you say and wish for. I never told you guys, but DH and I never wanted kids when we got together. When we began to get serious. We had a "talk" about kids. I told him I do not want kids and if he does, our relationship would end right there because I would not take that away from him in life. Obviously it was how he felt too. Well, I guess I put this out into the universe too much because it listened to us.

Kona you can't hold yourself under that. It has nothing to do with what you said years ago. People say things all the time, at that point in your life you decided you didn't want kids, people change their minds all the time. You were together longer, you grew older and had what you wanted and then decided you wanted children. Lots of people do that. I wish I could tell you why this isn't happening for you right now, I can't but I know that you can't blame yourself for saying that.

Hugs.

Court1 · May 2010

surfergirlkona:
suntoto:

Those meds are something awful. I have told my DH numerous times, that he is a saint for putting up with me on them. But Kona, know this: the first IUI does not always work b/c the Dr's are still figuring out how your body works and responds to the meds. Everyone is different.

I am so sorry to hear that your DH needs surgery. I hope he heals and recovers quickly.

TTC sucks goat balls.

I do understand the meds and protocol. However, when your doctor isn't too optimistic it is hard to be optimistic yourself. I do not want to do this again. At all. I know you have been trying to be realistic with me and all that great stuff, but I am broken. I will never be a happy, whole person again if I do not do what I need to for myself.

I have learned one big lesson in life. Be careful of what you say and wish for. I never told you guys, but DH and I never wanted kids when we got together. When we began to get serious. We had a "talk" about kids. I told him I do not want kids and if he does, our relationship would end right there because I would not take that away from him in life. Obviously it was how he felt too. Well, I guess I put this out into the universe too much because it listened to us.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through. But it is not fair to think that this is why you're having trouble. My DH didn't think he wanted kids either. People change, we're human. Be kind to yourself.

Amanda78 · May 2010

Hugs Kona. I hope your DH is ok and that you guys do what you need to do to take care of each other.

jdeats71 · May 2010

Kona - I am truly sorry. I know how hard the meds are and how you just want to feel like yourself again and not have to go through all this BS. Take a well-derved vacation with your DH. Just take a break. I truly think that is the best thing to do sometimes.

You are in my T&Ps. Let me know if you need anything.

AppleRidge · May 2010

We didn't want kids either. We talked about it all the time and were so sure of ourselves through the 8 years we were dating, and at least a few of the 6 years we've been married. Then, all of a sudden a switch was flipped (particularly since our first loss) and we both decided we'd do whatever it takes to have a LO to raise. People change, priorities change. Please don't beat yourself up about wanting this as badly as you do.

bbhalphen · May 2010

I'm so sorry! ::BIG hugs:: I hope you have a relaxing vacation and your DH recovers quickly.

TaraBrooks · May 2010

I'm sorry Kona, that must have been the hardest decision to make. So many (((HUGS))) to you.

suntoto · May 2010

surfergirlkona:
I do understand the meds and protocol. However, when your doctor isn't too optimistic it is hard to be optimistic yourself. I do not want to do this again. At all. I know you have been trying to be realistic with me and all that great stuff, but I am broken. I will never be a happy, whole person again if I do not do what I need to for myself.
I have learned one big lesson in life. Be careful of what you say and wish for. I never told you guys, but DH and I never wanted kids when we got together. When we began to get serious. We had a "talk" about kids. I told him I do not want kids and if he does, our relationship would end right there because I would not take that away from him in life. Obviously it was how he felt too. Well, I guess I put this out into the universe too much because it listened to us.

My heart is breaking for you. As someone who is "older" and doing this TTC stuff after not thinking I really wanted a family/kids, I completely understand the heartache and pain. Don't blame yourself, for it isn't your fault. Nor is it your fault for thinking at one point in time that you did not want children. I hate how infertility works and how much anguish so many people have to go through to achieve a family. I do think you will be a great mom one day. Truly.

Have you thought about IVF? I know many clinics run a Shared Risk program that will let you get your $$ back if you do not end up with a child. This is something DH and I are looking into as our RE seems to think IVF is the way we should go, even though she is letting us do IUI for now (b/c of insurance coverage).

xleslieraex · May 2010

::huge hugs:: It sounds like you are making the best choice for your well being. Have a great vacation.

Mrs.EmmaLouise · May 2010

I am so so sorry. That is all a lot to deal with, and I think you are doing a good job handeling it. Enjoy your break, enjoy your vacation, and ((big hugs))

TravelinMama · May 2010

Kona, I'm so so sorry.

I can't imagine how hard it was to come to this decision. I wish you nothing but the best.

:::Hugs:::

ColindaP · May 2010

I'm sorry hon. We're here for you no matter what you decide. ((hugs))

mdm2137 · May 2010

(((huge hugs))) I'm so sorry Kona.

ERICA21779 · May 2010

Kona,

I am so very sorry ((((hugs)))), I hope that your vacation helps in your healing process.

heathergirl67 · May 2010

I hope that your break gives you some peace. If you decide to TTC again it will probably also be less stressful once your husbands surgeries are done and his health is back on track. You need the time to get YOUR health back on track, too. Mental health counts a lot, IMO. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. ((HUGS))

Texas77again · May 2010

dammit, i'm sorry hon. i wish that things had gone differently. i really hope that you are one of the ones that will get KU when you stop trying this summer. ((hugs))

are you still going to come here to play wif us?

buckin · May 2010

hugs

michrocc · May 2010

I'm so sorry, Kona. I know you've been through so much. :::Hugs:::

Orchard27 · May 2010

I don't have any wise advice or anything witty to add. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry and you & your DH are in my thoughts. ~all the best~

maritzburggirl · May 2010

hugs Kona, I hope you can deal with everything else that is going on, hopefully your husband's surgery goes smoothly. I'll be rooting for you, whatever your decisions. more hugs

JuJuBe3 · May 2010

I'm so sorry, Kona. You're not having a pity party in my book; your feelings are more than normal for what you're going through. I sincerely hope the break does you good and your hubby heals up quickly and smoothly after his surgery. Big squishy hug to you!

SweetieD21 · May 2010

Oh honey, I'm sorry. ((hugs))

triple_sevens · May 2010

Oh, kona, I just hurt for you right now. I hate that you blame yourself for this even a tiny bit. You need to make the decision that fits easiest into your heart, but I pray that your child finds you somehow, anyway.

butterfly843 · May 2010

So sorry sending hugs. Will keep you and your dh in my thoughts.

Erin RN · May 2010

I am so sorry that you have even been put in a place to make a decision like this. You are such a strong woman for going through everything you have. I really hope a break and a vacation will be good for you and your DH. I'm sorry your DH needs surgery and I hope he heals quickly. I wish I could give you a big hug right now!!!

redstars93 · May 2010

BIG {{{hugs}}}

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

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