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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Cow-girl
member
Warning: Very sensitive question inside (and pg mentioned)
Cow-girl
member
Ok I feel pretty comfortable posting this here because I think you ladies are the only ones that can help me. I have a friend who lost her baby boy to severe pre- e and he lived for 9 days after being born at 30 something weeks. I didnt meet her until after her loss (she came to my church and by chance I was introduced to her). We became friends instantly because we share that common bond of pregnancy loss. I have been in contact with her alot since then (we met in December). She is truly been a blessing to me and I care about her deeply.
Here is my issue. I have been mostly avoiding seeing her in public because I know how difficult it has to be for her to stare and my belly.. But she texted me saying she wants to have lunch this weekend. I was a little hesitant because I know it will be very painful for her. As much as I would love to see her and hang out with her I know it will be hard on her and I will feel guilty.
So here is my question.. I need some advice. Is there anything I could do to make her more comfortable (besides the normal not rubbing it in her face) or less painful for her? I was thinking about getting there before her just so I could be seated and she wouldnt have to see it. Please be honest with me girls... What would make it easier on you if you were her in this situation? Or do you think its a bad idea to meet up with her?
She did tell me that it will be hard but that I have been a great support to her and she wants to see me.
I have been hesitant to write this post because I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause heartache for any of you ladies either. But you are the exact ladies I need to hear from. I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me.
Thanks girls!
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Re: Warning: Very sensitive question inside (and pg mentioned)
Rylan 1/27/2011, 2:42 pm, 5lbs 12oz, 18.5 inches long
Ayla 10/02/2013, 10:14 am, 6lbs 14oz, 19.25 inches long
Missed Miscarriage 6w3d 3/02/2010
I'll hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven.
I had a pg lady at Aidan's service and a whole bunch at work so I was exposed to it very quickly. For me, my friend's bellies didn't bother me as much as stranger's did.
If I were you, I would go a few minutes early and not stand up to greet her. Let her take the lead on if she wants to see your belly. I know that I would be like stand up and let me see that baby, but again it's because I was exposed so quickly after my loss. I know you already know this, but if she asks how the pregnancy is going just give the positive info unless she tells you to be real. With certain friends I would be like okay, cut the bs, how are you really feeling, but with others I was perfectly fine to just hear the positive things.
::taps chin:: let me see let me see Anything else? Oh and don't avoid her. She already knows your pregnant and it could make her feel like you think you might "catch the late loss bug". Other than that have a great time.
One of my best friends is due any day and we went out with our husbands last Friday for the first time since we found out about my m/c. ?I actually found it very comforting to be around her. ?I think she was a little nervous at first to say anything so I just started talking about it, which was?therapeutic.
I think if your friend wants to have lunch then go for it. ?She is the one asking, so it's not like you are showing off your pregnancy. ?I also wouldn't worry about getting there ahead of time. ?Walking in together would probably put her more at ease - in a 'you'll be there for her' kind of way.?
A good friend/coworker on mine is pregnant. It pains me to watch her belly grow week to week. However, I could not be getting through this without her. I think if she wants to see you, you should go. I do think getting there before her is a great idea though.
"How long has it been since her loss? She might be at a point where she can deal with it now. I think if she said that she's ready, she probably is....but you know the drill. Ask about her baby, let her cry, etc. I'd probably only bring up the pregnancy if she asked about it. Maybe consider wearing a really loose top so it's not as obvious...I like your idea about getting there a little early so you're already sitting. But as I said, if she said she's ready, she probably is. I'm sure she misses you!
I know I'm not ready yet, and am dreading seeing a pregnant friend, but it's also only been a month and I wouldn't ask her to lunch until I was ready.
"
This.
multiple failed cycles, multiple IUIs, lap with ovarian drilling 4/2008
Finally BFP on 11/23/09 beta#1=36 beta#2 =62 beta#3=139
Liliana was born on March 27,2010 at 21w5d due to infection and pre-term labor
BFP #2 on 6/20/10 after Gonal-F and TI First u/s showed Twins!
TTC#2 since 02/2012 with out RE...
Back to RE 08/2016----- Cycle #1 10/2016 Femara 7.5mg=???
We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
Thanks for all the wonderful responses ladies you all are so kind! Her loss was in November. I didnt meet her until Christmas Eve at my church, the night we announced our good news. So yes she knows and I guess you guys are right maybe she wouldnt ask me to go unless she was ready.
I will definitely talk to her about her son, in fact for his edd I made her a remembrance candle with a cross and his name on it. So she has seen me since the original meeting time.
Thank you again ladies I am going to take in each response and apply it to our lunch! Im so happy to get to see her again its just that I know it will be painful for her which makes me sad at the same time.
I think that is so sweet of you to be concerned for her but please go to lunch. I can remember seeing friends who had also lost a baby and were pg again and I was SO excited for them. Sure, I was jealous it wasn't me but the subsequent baby pregnancy doesn't hurt nearly as much as the blissfully ignorant pregnant belly - you know? Don't hide it...don't try to pretend it's not happening, don't brush off your baby. If she cries, that's ok but IMO it will be worse for her if she can tell you are trying to pretend it's not happening.
This reminds me of two friends who were pg after I lost Nathaniel - one invited me to her baby shower and one did not. I was so happy the one invited me, and although I did not go I was happy she didn't treat me like I had the plague...the other friend who did not invite me thought she was sparing my feelings but she was not, I was so hurt and obviously it still bothers me because it's been almost 3 years.
Just try to be normal, she's happy for you and you two have a bond. Maybe she's trying to spend time with you because you give her hope. There was a girl in our support group who announced she was pg shortly after we started going and I clung to her...she gave me so much hope that I would get pg again and that all of the things I was worried about she was dealing with. She was my inspiration and I NEEDED to see her pg belly every month at group. Maybe that's what your friend needs.
If she's not comfortable then the lunch will be short and you can take it from her que's - but please be normal about it.
Thank you for that. I know I need to be normal around her, I just worry that my belly is going to be too much for her to handle. Im past the point of being able to "hide it"... She did invite me to lunch so I am guessing she is ready for the step of seeing me. She is such a great lady! Thank you again for the advice