depressing confession — The Bump
Infertility

depressing confession

Okay.  I just have to say this, and I am not trying to get sympathy or attention.  I realize that most people on this board have been through many more infertility-related problems/treatments than DH and I have been, and have been trying for much longer than us, but I just have to let this out.

Ever since my eggs didn't fertilize, I have been TERRIFIED that I am never going to have my husband's baby.  Terrified down to the pit of my stomach.  Terrified to the bone.  Being told that we are "unexplained" is just really starting to get to me because I just want a reason for all of this.  I feel completely stuck.  My family doesn't get it, my friends don't get it, heck even my therapist doesn't get it.   I feel like I am losing the life I have worked so hard for right before my eyes, and I am completely helpless.  My jealousy of friends and family who are pregnant and or have kids is controlling my life right now, and its like trying to ignore the strongest itch you could imagine. I'm more scared to try again now than I was after my m/c.  There is always a part of me that feels angry.  Lastly, I feel guilty because I know that there are a lot of people who have it much worse than me, and I should feel fortunate for everything that I do have.

Ugh, I sound so whiny, I know.  I want to slap myself.

Thanks for listening.

 

TTC Child #1 Sept '08, Dx: Unexplained, DOR 2 IUI's = BFN, m/c, IVF 1 = 0 embies to put back, IVF 2 = BFN, IVF 3 = cancelled, IVF 4 = BFP with 1 embie. Our son came into our life on 9/28/11. We are in love! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: depressing confession

  • ((((hugs))))) 

    I think you took some of the words right out of my mouth.  We are pretty much diagnosed as unexplained as well and I feel the same way.  They found out I was hypothyroid about a year ago, but my levels have been under control for the past at least six months, and we are now right back at unexplained.  It sucks, I know.

  • Ugh, I'm sorry!! IF sucks, I have the same feelings even though I am diagnosed.  I have no advice but DO NOT feel bad or guilty for feeling this way, it's completely normal!!! 
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  • mieslmiesl member

    You aren't the only one who feels that way -  I have that terrified feeling too.

    *hugs*

    Husband has cystic fibrosis. I'm a carrier. We did TESE, IVF, ICSI, and PGD. After two failed IVFs, we were blessed with our twins.

    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I'm so sorry you're feeling that way.  *hugs* I think everything you're feeling is completely understandable and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for it.  I just hope things get better for you. 
    image
    It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
    My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
    Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
  • Do not feel bad about feeling this way-I think we all do (at least I do sometimes) from time to time. You have every right to be scared and sad-just know that we're here for you.
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  • Completely normal to feel this way!
    TTC#1 since 7/07 with MFI and Endo/PCOS IUI #1 and #2 with 50mg of clomid= BFN IUI#3 with 100mg of clomid and Bravelle= BFN Lap surgery 11-18-09= found Stage IV Endo :( Three months of Depot Lupron Shots and adding 2000mg Metformin IVF w/ ICSI May 2010 = BFP, M/C at 6 weeks Break to lose weight, down 60 pounds and gearing up for IVF #2 in August 2011
  • I'm sorry. ((hugs))

    I feel that way all the time too. I'm sure I won't have my DH's child, I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll never have a baby. I'd like to say it gets easier, and some days are easier than others - but it still hurts.

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  • may2806may2806 member

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm not unexplained, but I'm just about at the end of the road (at least with my own eggs) and the thought of it all is more than I can take. I feel helpless (and I'm a control freak), I feel like no one understands, jealousy is ruling my life and affecting relationships with my immediate family (my younger sister is pg) and I thought our bond was rock-solid. I'm angry, and feel guilty about it because I do have a great husband, job, house, etc. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but it is so hard when the one thing you want is out of your reach.

    You're not whining ? you just had a very traumatic experience and you are allowed to be upset about it. ((HUGS))?

    Dx: High FSH, stage IV endo, homozygous C677T MTHFR and PAI-1
    Early loss 10/08
    Lap 1/09
    IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
    Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
    Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
    IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
    IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
    IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
    One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
    DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
    DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
    10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
    DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
    2 frosties but don't know what's next
    FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
  • I think you have done a good job explaining it and I for sure feel the same way. I'm sorry we have to go through this it just brings out so many emotions.

  • *Hope you don't mine my response*

    Those feelings are completely normal.  Actually, until this day, I still get them.  Even now that I am pg, it feels completely surreal.  God has a plan for us all, and at the moment it is hard to understand what it is.  Your time will come... I know it is easier said than done, but it will.  Stay positive.  GL on your journey, and may the remainder be a short one.   

    -- Jackie
    "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • (((hugs))) I know how you feel.  I've been there.  It's a terrible, awful, gut-wrenching feeling.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hang in there.
    TTC with unexplained IF since 8/2007 6 losses, one beautiful perfect boy in our arms Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I could have written this. My hyperthyroid dx was to blame for my inconsistent ovulation for about 6 months of cycles. Now, for the past 14 cycles, I've ovulated between days 16 and 20. My thyroid levels aren't to blame because they are SO close to 'normal' so I'm starting to flip out. I haven't even been able to try anything more than TI becuase my RE is nervous that if I try any kind of treatments and my levels aren't PERFECT then I could have problems later getting accepted into our clinic's shared risk program. So...here I wait....and hope.
  • I could have written this post.  I feel like same way from time to time.  The fear of the what if it never happens is probably the worst part.  I'm unexplained too, and although I'm thankful that everything checks out okay, I fear that their is a major problem that I are missing and I wish like nothing else that they would find the cause so maybe we could "fix" it.

    ((hugs))

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  • (((hugs))) Each situation is hard and it's something that YOU'RE going through - so it's hard on you. I wish I had wise words for you, but everything we are going through is just plain unfair! You have a right to be scared and sad. Allow your self to feel that and know that there are many of us right there with you!
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    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Thank you IVF for our little miracles!!
  • ((HUGS))  Have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in IF?
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • No need to slap yourself. You are not alone whatsoever! Huge hugs.
    TTC since 8/07 DX - Severe MFI/azoospermia & MTHFR/ TESEs found sperm - 7/08 & 6/09/ 12/08 - IVF#1 - BFN/ 6/09 - IVF #2 - cancelled due to OHSS risk (had retrieval)/ 7/09 - FET #1 - BFN/ 9/09 - FET #2 - BFN/ 11/09 - IVF #3 with new RE cancelled twice - 10/09 & 11/09/ 1/10 - IVF #3 take 3 - BFN/ 4/10 - IVF #4 - first ever BFP on 5/13/10!!! 108 @ 10dp3dt/ 2nd beta 311!/ sono on 5/28/10 said TWINS!!!! Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • image2006july15bride:
    ((HUGS))  Have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in IF?

    This! I have a friend IRL who has gained so much from her therapist, who specalizes in IF. 

    Sorry you are feeling so down - this is definitely the place to vent as there are many here who understand. (((HUGS)))

    B/G twins!
    image
  • i don't think there is a single person on here that hasn't felt that way ::hugs:: that is a major reason why we are all here for one another.
    S/PAIFW
    Tara & Dave - TTC since September 2006
    PCOS - dx 1999 (amenorrhea) | freakishly long fallopian tubes
    Hypoglycemic | thyroid issues | severely anemic
    Multiple Clomid cycles of 50, 100, 150 - absolutely no response
    Follistim 50/100 | Follistim 75/125 | Follistim 100/150 IUI - all BFNs
    Converted IVF - BFP - m/c | FET - BFN | IVF #2 = BFN
    IVF #3
  • I'm so sorry.  It's such a scary place to be in when these thoughts come creeping into your mind.  And please don't think you can't complain because you haven't been through as much.  Each step of my if journey was difficult.  A good friend summed it up best-  where you are right now is the hardest place you've ever been.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.
  • I too am right there with ya.  Unexplained is SO very frustrating.  And wanting to punch anyone that says "oh your time will come, god has a plan" blablabla.  Anyway hugs and good luck!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We are also unexplained, and my DH has VERY strong blood lines.  They have a family farm that has been passed down through generations to the eldest son.  Of course my husband is the oldest, and really wants a little boy to pass on what so many generations have worked hard for.  It really scares me, and makes me very sad to think that maybe, because of me, I may not be able to give him that... he is very supportive, but I know behind all the positiveness, he is also very scared.  Good luck on your Journey

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