- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
Birth mom demanding more money
We're had a lot of frustrations with the agency's lack of communication about many things, and of course our whole roller coaster ride up to the baby's birth. The birth parents are to sign their surrender of parental rights documents this morning, and yesterday I got a call from the agency telling me that the birth mom is demanding $1,700 more or she won't sign. Ugh. Of course we're going to cough it up - we've bonded with him and he's our son. I told them we simply don't have that cash right now because we need our available cash to stay out in Las Vegas for another week or more until cleared by ICPC. At least the agency will work with us and let us figure it out after we return home. I'm hoping they will let us make payments over a few months because we're tapped out.
I'm not going to dwell on this because I'm still super excited about our little guy and we'll figure it out. However, DH and I have already decided that we're going to try to adopt through foster care next time. We know it will take a while to adopt a young child through foster care, so we're going to go ahead and get started after finalizing our adoption.
Anyway, hopefully the parents will sign their surrenders in one hour and we'll be picking up our little angel soon!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birth mom demanding more money
I'm no expert on adoptions or how they work or anything like that, but how in the world is that even right? I mean, isn't the birth mom demanding money essentially just like her "selling" her child? I know there are birth mother expenses and whatnot, but for her to be demanding more money or she isn't going to sign seems so twisted and wrong to me.
Anyway, good luck! I hope everything goes exactly how you want it to!
On one hand, it's $1700 and I'd pay it in a second if it got me the baby.
On the other, this sounds like she is totally taking advantage of your situation. How is the agency allowing this to go on? Did they assess what she needs it for? I just don't understand how someone can just all the sudden NEED $1700 when they weren't going to initally get it in the first place.
Is it a legitimate expense?
According to what I found online:
Nevada is one of those 30 states, and I don't know what the last part of the statement implies -- making a payment for anything beyond what is in the state statutes is prohibited. The baby is here, what can she possibly need $1700 for? Can you get your hands on Nevada law to see what their statute allows? In my state, any expenses have to be approved by a judge and are only allowed for one month post-birth, but I know there are some states that allow no expenses post-birth. And I know that many states would find $1700 unreasonable depending on if she's receiving any support from the birth father or from additional family members, or if there are government programs to assist her. Be very careful.
Good luck!
I'm SO glad our state doesn't allow direct payments to birthmoms.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I know you feel like you have to do it because you have no choice. In our failed adoption, the BM who was only 3 months pregnant kept calling us demanding more money (the agency was allowing her so much a month for expenses) and said she would leave us if we didn't pay up. We didn't and broke the match. She went through 3 more families before that baby was adopted.
I hope everything works out for you. I hate to hear of birth mothers holding adoptive parents hostage. It probably happens more than we care to think about. I hope everything works out for you.
Oh, I'm so sorry. This would really bother me, too. I'm pretty certain this wouldn't be legal in my state and honestly it just sounds wrong. Has this birth mom received counseling? Has she placed before?
Keep us updated and I'll be sending good thoughts.
I sincerely caution you on this. Ethically I disagree with this situation...you are willing to pay anything for your son and I can understand that, but there is no difference between this request and baby selling. 'If you pay me $1700, then I'll sign my rights, otherwise I won't.' I don't know how that's not baby selling.
Also if you pay this and later it's found to be illegal, she can come back and have the paperwork overturned. You can have your son and then he could be taken from you. Please, please contact your lawyer about this.
I agree with everyone, that is just terrible. I couldn't imagine why she all the sudden needed the money.. Shame on her for trying to take advantage of you. I never requested the adoptive couple pay for anything regarding me or my pregnancy. We were matched when I was 2 months pregnant. They offered to pay my $300 co payment for my delivery at the hospital, but that was it. I do however agree that you should consult a lawyer about this.
Prayers being sent your way that it'll be smooth sailing from here.
Completely with all this, Fredlina and SallyJ. And yeah, aren't you a lawyer? In my ethics class we have a saying--if your "ethical antennas go up--be aware." Umm...mine are up...I would seriously be asking a LOT more questions here.
I'm a lawyer, but I don't know anything about Nevada law. I also don't specialize in adoption (I only do step-parent adoptions, which are much different).
We picked Logan up this morning and they are starting our ICPC approval. The agency is supposed to be getting me an updated birth mother expenses list. The contract we signed with the agency has an attachment with estimated expenses, but has language that these expenses are just an estimate and there may be additional expenses. The contract states that if there is an additional birth mother living expense, the agency will contact the client for approval before agreeing to give the funds to the birth mother. This is what the agency did, and our hands were tied. If we refused to pay it, the birth mother would just have found another adoptive couple who was willing to pay the higher amount. When the agency provides us with an updated list of birth mother expenses, I'll find a Nevada attorney who specializes in adoption to review it. It's worth spending a couple hundred dollars to make sure this is legit.
The birth mother actually didn't make the demand after Logan was born. She called the agency on Monday and said she needed $1,700 more for living expenses. Logan was born on Wednesday, and the agency didn't get in touch with me until Friday to tell me this. This is one of many frustrating things I've had happen with them regarding communication.
I just have a real problem with birth mother expenses and think there needs to be a reform of the laws in most states. We have already paid $5,388 in birth mother expenses. With the additional $1,700, that is over $7,000, which is insane. NONE of this is for any medical treatment, either. This is for rent, food, groceries, clothing and her telephone. She works and has a husband who has income through social security disability.
I am glad that it is working out. I don't know anything about the birth mother expenses thing. My friends who have adopted have not had that to speak of. I am just happy for you that it is working out and that you get to bring your sweet baby boy home soon.
I've read through the comments...It makes me nervous. She shouldn't need post-partum living expenses, should she? I don't know...but I do think the AGENCY should be held liable for this and NOT you. They should NOT have placed a child with you and then told you that you need to pay more. Sounds like you might need your own lawyer!
If she is demanding it, then it needs to come out of their funds, imo. Then again, I know how it is to wait and wait so I would see why you might just want to pay it. But you don't want it to come back later and bite you. I would call a lawyer.
I think all adoptive parents NEED to read up on adoption law in their state/country and if they receive a match/referral from out of state/country read up on those laws as well, so they have some understanding of what is and isn't allowed. Obviously consulting an attorney in both states/countries is great as well, but I think some self-education is absolutely necessary so when a situation like this pops up, you can say to the agency "No, this isn't right -- Nevada law says...X, Y, and Z" and then they can either tell you why that isn't right or you can get your attorney involved.
It is VERY important that each one of us is familiar with the laws in our own states at a minimum and as soon as you get a match, you start researching those laws as well. We research so much about this process and I think you're doing yourself a great disservice blindly following the lead of an agency, whose (regardless of for-profit or non-profit status) ultimate goal is to make the most successful placements, so they can recruit more adoptive parents and birth parents, and they can make more money. And I absolutely believe that there are corrupt agencies out there.
Anyways, I'll get off my soapbox. Just be very very careful and I hope this all turns out for the very best for you and the agency ramps up their communication and takes some responsibility for this situation very quickly!
Go-Dawgs...I sincerely hope everything works out. But I cannot agree more with the B2007--I'm crowding on her soapbox here.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I don't thinks he's asking for post birth living expenses. She is saying that the pre-birth estimate needs to be revised to provide an additional $1,700. It actually may be paid directly to the apartment complex, as I'm told she is way behind on rent. She asked for three months of living expenses pre-birth, but who knows, this could be legit.
Learning about state specific law is not easy. In fact, it may be downright dangerous for a lay person to read a statute and assume they understand the law. To understand the Georgia adoption statute, I had to get on Westlaw and do a good bit of research, including reading case law and an attorney general opinion interpreting the statute. The attorney general and also the superior court's interpretation of the Georgia statute was actually exactly the opposite of what I would have thought from the plain meaning of the statute. So I actually caution everyone who thinks it's easy to just google and understand the law, that if you really do want to understand the law, the only way to be certain you are doing this is to contact an attorney who specializes in adoption law in the state where you want to adopt.
I only have access to Westlaw for Georgia law and do not have access to Nevada. No google search will be sufficient legal research to answer the question. Therefore, I'll consult with an attorney to learn more about what Nevada allows for birth mother expenses.
Yay for getting Logan! This is WONDERFUL news.
But I wanted to add we paid 5 times more in bm expenses....be glad you ONLY had 7,000. Trust me its not as bad as it could have been. I think we had the most expensive adoption I've ever heard of in my life. She was worth EVERY SINGLE PENNY and a million more but still it was ruff haha. Our BM was basically living on the streets with her husband and two other children...so basically we paid for them to live for 9 months....enough said...
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
I think this is state specific, or at least inaccurately generalized. While there may be a federal human trafficking law, some states permit partum expenses up to a set number of weeks. Obviously post partum expenses are a different animal than straight money or gifts.
Just another example of how vastly different things can be from state to state. It's really incredible. I can see how people get in bad situations.
And a comment like this is helpful exactly how?
To the poster huge hugs I cant imagine how hard this is for you. My only word of caution is if you are planning on keeping it open be careful. Our daughters birthmom constantly asks for money...even a car and its hard because I do have such a strong love for her...
br