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2nd Trimester
Major Vent, Long.. =(
So last night i had the worst night of my life with SO. Okay let me tell You ladies what he does for a frickin living.. he's a tattoo artist. anyways lately he's been acting really strange about me seeing his phone. My phone doesnt have any games on it and he has like a cool little iphone. So i always ask him to play games on it, and he always says "NO!" he sleeps with the damn thing under his pillow or in his drawer.. well last nite he was drinking after work with his friends and when he gets home he just about passes out.. so as soon as i hear him snoring i go into his jean pockets and grab his phone.. since hes been acting so funny about his phone i decided to go snooping. Big Mistake. i found text messages from three different females..
Female #1- he wrote- "whats up shorty when can we chill again"
Female #2- sent him a picture and she looks like a frickin man (im not just saying that because my SO is talking to her.. but if a woman looks good i'll be the one to say she does) his response to the picture was "can i pull that" talking about her hair.. she says "NO" and he says " i wont pull to hard"
Female #3- he says to her "okay i think we should go on a date then have some one on one time together"
But anyways when I bring it up to him he tells me since he works as a tattoo artist he needs to "flirt" with the women to get their money.. BULLSHIT!!! I told him i was gonna move out once LO is born and he hated that.. He told me i wasnt going to leave him and that he wont let me leave.. He started coming up with all these reason why i shouldnt leave him. He told me he would go to councling and stop flirting with the girls.. but im like how can u ever prove that you're not talking to anyone else.. i just dont see it happening.. Lately he's been doing a lot of ass kissing which *** urks the *** outta me.. ughh im not really sure what to do.. it seems so hard to leave him especially since him and DD have such a great relationship and it would break my heart to pull them away, not like i would keep them from seeing eachother but it wont be an every day thing. SO and i have been together for just about 6years and we've been through it all.. another thing i really hate is that since he works at a shop his hours are stupid.. he leaves home around 2pm and doesnt return till about 4am everyday except for sundays (his only day off).. and then on Sundays he just wants to stay in and relax.. im just sick and tired of it..
thanks for reading my vent.. hopefully you ladies will have some good advice.. =(
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Major Vent, Long.. =(
I don't really have much advice sweety, I am sorry to hear things are so crappy and I do wish nothing but the best for you. It's a hard decision to make anyway you look at it, but esp when you're pregnant and have a family.
Just go with your gut and do whats best for you. You're going to get a lot of conflicting opinions here. I wouldn't trust it either though. Tattoo artist or not...4am is a strange time. I've never been to a shop that's open past 9-10pm..
Do you have a good support system outside of him? <ight be time to rely on them.
xo
That is such sh!t, sorry! I work at a tattoo shop with a lot of dudes and they are all quite loyal to their SOs/wives and children/families.
(Our shop is not open past 10pm...only time artists are there afterward is if they're working on friends/family, so they don't waste shop time or money.)
No excuses for that kind of behavior.
I hope that you get outta there...stress is no good for the baby. (And that sounds like EPIC stress.) I wish you the best.
First off, this situation really sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it. That being said, you need to clear your mind of all the fears and anxiety and remember that your first priority in life is your children. What kind of example would you be setting for your children if you stayed with a man like this? Would you want your daughter to be treated this way? Because, if you don't show her the right way to handle a cheater, she will end up with one too.
I know how harsh that sounds but this is your reality now. You HAVE to do what's best for them, plain and simple.
Best of luck to you!
Sorry, but I don't think this has anything to do with his job. Just bc he is a tattoo artist, doesn't mean he is automatically a cheater/flirt - whatever. I have never heard that being used as a stereotype. Like I said before, the guys I work with are all loyal. They are professionals and treat customers the same - men and women alike. I understand that he is in an enclosed area and his customers include women and that they have to remove articles of clothing for certain areas of the body, too. That doesn't mean he has to flirt. That is not how you get people to choose you as an artist and a decent customer will tip him if he does good work. Flirting does not have to be involved whatsoever...I think you need to talk to him about his loyalty to you and your children...not his profession. If he is using that as an excuse, that is pure crap.
I do not mean to be vulgar here or anything.
I'm sorry but if I wouldn't trust him period! No tattoo artist or shop that I know of is open till 4am (unless your in an area like las vegas or NYC). So I wouldn't even trust his schedule. I know a lot of tattoo artists, we are a family full of them and tattoo lovers! lol. Nobody I know has that schedule.
Also, I'm sorry if this sounds cliche, but once a cheater always a cheater. I look at my father who not only cheated on my mother, but cheated on my step mother for a year! I know he says it's "flirting", but I'm sorry even "flirting" is not ok with a baby on the way.
I would say go with your gut. If you leave him, then you leave him. Do what is best for you. However, I would say that if you don't leave him I would make him get some better hours, talk to his shop manager about his hours, and wouldn't trust him for a minute until he made things right. However, only you know what is best for you and your LO.
Dude. This is going to sound harsh, but get the fvck out of there.
First off, his job has nothing to do with his being a no good, lying cheater. I don't care what job you have, if you're loyal, you're loyal.
Second of all, I would maybe say go to counseling, try and make it work, etc. had it been "I found out there was this girl that he knew from where ever and somehow their friendship crossed the line and he's been having an affair, etc. However, he was trying to hook up with 3 different girls through text messages. That means there are 10x more occurrences you don't know about. He's trying to get laid. Period. It wasn't something he gotten wrapped up in and made a one time mistake. He is thinking with his ***. He doesn't care about your feelings. There will be a next time, he just won't get caught.
Lastly, it will not help your kids to have that in their everyday life. You will argue too often, worry too much, and show them the wrong way to have a relationship. The longer you wait, the older they get, and the more it will hurt them when he does this again and you finally leave.
You can do this on your own. Women all over do it everyday. No matter how you feel, you will love someone else much more deserving one day. You will find support from friends and family when you need it. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
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Totally Agree with this. Especially about arguing in front of the kids and putting them through that, even if you try not too. It's still gonna change you as a person and a mom, and not for the better. But if you do stay with him, A LOT better change quick, and counseling better be involved.
His excuse of needing to flirt with women for his job is bullsh!t. My SO and I have a good friend who is a tattoo artist, his shop stays open until 2 am, and he has a great relationship with his FI.
This guy sounds like a loser, to be honest. Your first clue something was wrong should have been that he kept his phone so close to him and wouldn't let you see anything on it. I dated a guy like that for about 4 months (this was years ago) and quickly realized his behavior was never going to change.
If I were you, I would get everything in place to move out.
I will tell you what my bf told me when I was dating a cheater...
I can tell you what to do, but until you WANT to do it, it doesn't matter what I say.
I think you know you should walk away...but you have to WANT to do it.
It took me about 8 months of dealing with a SO who I did not trust and my gut was right. He was hiding things. He was talking to/seeing other women. He was meeting other women online. He was lying to my face when I called him out on things. The biggest sign to begin with was his phone history was ALWAYS cleared out. I did catch in there a few times when he forgot to clear it out and there were always other women he was talking to (not just friends).
THe best thing you can do for you and LO is leave him. This behavior will not change (in my opinion) and you both deserve better. And, it doesn't matter if it's this job or something else, he will ALWAYS have an excuse as to why he "needs" to behave this way.
I think he is playing mind games with you. He told you that he would leave tatooing all together. I am going to call BS on that. I think he knows that you will not tell him to leave but by telling you he would it makes him look good.
If you want to work it out with him I would strongly suggesting going to couples therapy to get this issues of trust out in the open and start working on them before your LO is here.
If you want to leave him then I really think you should do that before you LO is here, moving after is going to be much much harder. Let me just be honest with you once you have a baby the first few nights and or weeks can really do a number on your relationship, its hard, and you will find yourself venting on each other when you really do not mean too. If you do not have a strong foundation going in your heading for trouble.
If you are facing him about this issue now and no change is made, he has won. He has pushed you so far and now he knows that you will A) Believe what ever he tells you
Will not leave him over cheating. Once a guy knows what will calm you down he will cheat cheat cheat because he knows that at the end of the day you have not left him for it once so why would you now.
Absolutely, 100% this. He's a liar and manipulative and your children deserve better than being taught to grow up and have their own unhealthy relationships. Children learn from their parents what "love" is and repeat those patterns.
Totally agree with this. I have never chosen a tattoo artist because he flirted with me, and the one's I know with families are extremely loyal. He's using it as an excuse. You put him in a different job and it will be the same ol' story.
If you're gut is telling you to go, then that's what you need to do. Trust yourself.
if flirting is not cheating then why did he tell one of the girls, when can we chill again? that means he has already went out with someone else. In my book flirting is cheating. I think emotional cheating is just as bad and in some cases worse .and he it seems like he is doing both.
Coming from the perspective of the child, my dad was a cheater. No one told me until I was out of college. But it was no surprise to me at all. I was only 8 when they got divorced because of it, my siblings 6 and 5, but it affected us in a big way. After the divorce it was even worse because he openly pranced around with all these trashballs. Thank god he moved out of town after a few years of that nonsense. Still, believe me, he left his mark.
Let's say you believe he is just flirting. Put that aside. Do you see yourself with this guy 5 years down the road? If not, do you really want to waste 5, 10, 15 more years? It's going to suck to split up, but it won't suck any less if you postpone it. And, not to state the obvious or throw in something else to worry about, but if you decide to stay and you think he is being unfaithful, please be safe! The last thing you need is him bringing home an STD of some sort. Good luck with everything. T&P
I agree with everything all PP's have said. I think you should go into counseling with him, but not while you are living with him. If anything, you need to maintain somewhat of a relationship with this man for your children's sake. But choosing to ignore his heinous behavior and continuing a romantic relationship with him at this point is not in you or your children's best interest.
do you have any solid adult mentors/counselors? Mom? aunt? you need help and lots of it.
also, pls remove your place of employment from your profile. risky risky.
A relationship without trust isn't much of a relationship.
If he really wants to make it work, make him prove it. You get access to his phone, the shop and whatever else you want from this day forward. He has a "curfew" and if at any time you don't trust him, he knows you leave.
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This is a complete immature way to go about it. This relationship needs to end, as there will never be trust. She is 20 with two children...
OP, as I said earlier get out and work on yourself without him.
This!!!! He's a lying, cheating, manipulative dovche bag. You and your kids deserve better.
I can't fathom how counseling could possibly help. This wasn't a one time transgression (not that I'd forgive that either)- he's a serial cheater. Right now he's telling you anything he thinks you want to hear- he'll go to counseling, quit his job etc. He's full of sh!t. He's just doing whatever it takes to get you to start believing in him again, so he can go right back to his cheating ways, just being more careful about it.
Please don't fall for any of it. You need to take care of yourself & your kids. Set the right example for them & don't stay in such a sad excuse of a relationship.
Unless he knows she won't hold him accountable.
6 years is a nice long time to establish patterns of behavior. I'm inclined to think this kind of thing has been going on for a while. He makes promises, she says "ok", he breaks the promises, she doesn't really do anything about it, he knows he can get away with empty promises.
He's been fvcking around on you for a long time. That's why he hides his phone and keeps it under his pillow.
I'm gonna go ahead and quote Dan Savage of "Savage Love":
Dump the MotherFvcker Already.
Unless he knows she won't hold him accountable.
6 years is a nice long time to establish patterns of behavior. I'm inclined to think this kind of thing has been going on for a while. He makes promises, she says "ok", he breaks the promises, she doesn't really do anything about it, he knows he can get away with empty promises.
He's been fvcking around on you for a long time. That's why he hides his phone and keeps it under his pillow.
I'm gonna go ahead and quote Dan Savage of "Savage Love":
Dump the MotherFvcker Already.
EDIT:
If you stay with this guy and continue to let him treat you like garbage, you are condemning your daughter to a lifetime of on-going therapy and possibly a life full of hard drugs and a stripper pole.
Harsh? Yep. But you've got kids. There's no room for sugar-coating.
I honestly can't believe there are so many people saying that you shouldn't go to counseling. I find this ridiculous. She has one child and another on the way with his man. She can never cut him out of her life completely.
If nothing else, counseling can help you and him explain your separation to your child, and figure out some basic guidelines as to how to communicate with each other in the future. Also, if you can resolve your issues in a counseling setting, rather than at home (and around your child), it will benefit all of you.
This isn't some boyfriend who crossed her the wrong way, and she can just pack up and and never speak to him again. This is her children's father. This whole situation needs to be handled with maturity and sensitivity, for your children's sake.
He doesn't want to go to counseling to learn to be friends & be civil for the kids' sake. He wants to convince her to give his cheating @ss another chance.
Seriously, if your H had cheated on you repeatedly, you think counseling could help you work through that? I'm sorry, no amount of counseling could get me to forgive cheating. I deserve better and so does she. Kids are better off with parents that live apart than watching their mom get treated like crap by their dad.
It would be one thing if this guy had "flirted" with clients like he says but that is not what he is doing. Read between the lines and you can clearly see he is having multiple affairs. No tattoo shop in the country is open till 4am, he is out sleeping with women and having "one on one time". Why should she give this man another chance when he's completely disregarded their marriage/relationship on multiple occasions for who knows how long.
He only suggested counseling because he got caught and saw that as an only possible way to save his own azz and I doubt he'll actually go if it's to negotiate their separation. But if he will, I hope it works well.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. In your post it sounds like you've already made up your mind to leave. Be strong for your self worth and your children's future. While you will be connected to this man for the next 18 years, you will show your children no one deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. Good luck, T's and P's are being sent your way.
I'm sorry, but things will never get better with men like this. I had one when I was your age and the cheating/flirting never stopped. He just got better at hiding it. Thank god I never got pregnant by him, but if I had, I would've still left him. You need to do the same. Not after the baby is born... why on earth would you stay with someone with such little respect for you and your children? You need to have more faith in yourself.
Get out now. Now. No counseling crap for him, he's an a$$ and doesn't deserve a second chance.
sorry you're going through this. of your relationship is like this now, it will likely not improve once LO is in the picture.