Long - Mom vs Dad roles

tsevere · May 2010

DH and I are super frustrated with each other right now, and I'm just looking to see how everyone else works out this SAHM arrangement.

DH works swings, so he has mornings free to do as he pleases. On occassion (very rare occassion) he'll spend the morning with me and the kids. The majority of the time, he's out working on his car or in the garage tinkering. We've been tight on money lately, so he's been chasing car deals to flip and make some cash, but that has only been a few days.

We have 2 boys, 2 and 1, and my SD is here every other weekend, and I'm 7 months pregnant.

DH does all the car stuff and outside work, and I do everything else. Theoretically, I totally understand that I'm staying home and the kids and house are my job, and he goes to work and provides and that's his job. In practice, though, we're having some struggles, and I'm having a hard time really pinpointing what it is that bothers me.

DH doesn't do housework (he does do laundry, though it's usually his work clothes that he washes). He has nearly every morning to do what he wants. If I ask him to watch the kids while I do something, he's irritated and makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing him.

I'm naturally very unorganized and struggle with housework. I'm working on this, and feel like I've done MUCH better. He's complimented me several times. But if I have a couple days where I don't get things clean (we're out playing or I'm reading a book or the kids are extra difficult), he gets pissed.

Ugh.

So, am I mad that he doesn't help but still has such a strong opinion? Or just that he won't help? I grew up in a house where my mom stayed home with 5 kids, my dad worked full time, and then he helped out with things when he got home.

What does everyone else do? What are your roles, how do you split things up?

jenifairies · May 2010

We're still working out some kinks, but -

He does the outside stuff. I do most of the inside stuff. He picks up DD's toys a lot, and helps me put away clothes and a few other things here and there, but mostly it's on me. However, he doesn't get home until 6, and we're also both students, so a lot of nights he's studying or at class.

We have had some struggles working out roles - not just his fault. I thought I could do the wonderwoman/supermom act and do it all and I just can't. I can't keep it all up myself, and on the days I do, I feel like DD was neglected and I'm resentful toward him.

I do what I can, and he either helps with the rest or overlooks it instead of bitching about what I didn't do, so it's more pleasant now!

Having 2 kids that young, being pregnant, and him being home during the day - he should be doing more. IMO. Sounds like he spends most of his time playing in the garage and that would not fly.

Ilumine · May 2010

This is what DH and I did - we wrote a list of all of the chores - as MINUTE as we could, example - not just take out the trash but also cleaning the garbage can.

We divided the list up to daily chores, bi-weekly chores, weekly chores and monthly chores.

THAT ALONE shocked the poo out of my DH. He did not recognize that I cleaned the garbage cans (plural because we live in Europe and we sort like crazy) on a weekly basis. So his tude that I would ask him to take out the trash every now and again totally changed when he realized that there is MORE to it.

My weekly list may have been about equal, but my daily list doubled his.

THEN, make a list of all of the things you do with the kids - to include your SD. Again be very finite. Remember doctors appts, hair appts, shopping for the kids things (which would normally be done on the weekend if you were working).

THIS part is your "Job".

Once both of you can actually SEE that not only are you doing equal amounts of "WORK" during your 8 hour work day, YOU are doing so much MORE of the stuff that would have been SHARED duties if you both worked out of the house.

Visuals are always a good thing.

Ilumine · May 2010

And this LIST will also help you be more organized.

Many times we do things more or less than we should. Some "daily things" can be bi-weekly, weekly or even bi-monthly.

And other things that we do less often would actually be easier/take less time if we do it daily.

I put my daily, bi-weekly and weekly chores on my outlook calendar (along with any appts) and then I print it out on Sunday. For my weekly chores, I do ONE a day, spreading them out.

This has also helped remind DH what actually goes on in the house when he is not around.

eaglesfan700 · May 2010

I don't think there is a wrong way or a right way to do this. It is more about coming to a mutual understanding with your H. If someone isn't happy then it's not working - clearly in your case the system you have is NOT working

My H knew going in that I wasn't a deep cleaning kind of gal so he does the heavy duty cleaning (bathrooms, floors etc) and I don't iron so he does that. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes and general straightening up type stuff.

It works for us. He actually just asked me if I was okay with everything - making sure I felt like he did enough. GL!

tabi_ja · May 2010

My hubby works until about 6 every day, and still comes home and helps with the housework. Usually, I keep the place tidy, take care of most of the daily chores, and I do ALL of the deep cleaning in the kitchen (it's the one thing I'm a perfectionist about). Hubby will usually help by doing a load of laundry, or a load of dishes (or both), and on days that Miles has been particularly difficult, he will offer to either take Miles or tidy up for me (usually my choice). My MIL was a SAHM, so my hubby totally gets what I do everyday, and has always been very supportive and helpful. I actually feel guilty that he helps so much. When I was growing up, my mom worked outside of the home (dad didn't) and still took care of the bulk of the housework when she got home. My dad rarely helped out, as he considered it to be "woman's work". It wasn't until I met my hubby that I realized that not all families worked that way.

detroitblondie · May 2010

Typically, I do the "Mom" roles of cleaning, dishes, meal planning, cooking, laundry, taking care of our kids, etc.

He goes to work full-time as our provider & his only real "chore" is to take the garbage out (which I do most of the time) and pick up after himself (which I often do, too).

I used to feel like I'd have to nag him to do anything outside of those things like, help with the baby, pick up around the house, etc. I stopped nagging & now he helps me with just about anything I ask and even takes the initiative to help get our son to bed, help my step-daughter pick up her toys, sweep the floor, etc.

I really think my commitment to stop nagging him is what did the trick to get him to help me out more around the house and with our kids, but regardless I'm just thankful that he's come around. It has been a change like night & day compared to how he used to be- which is probably why I, in turn, don't mind taking the garbage out from time to time or pick up after him if he's running late for work, etc.

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