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Postpartum Depression
Advice please....(long but please help)
I'm at a loss here. I just don't know what to do. I'll try to make this as simple as possible but there is a lot so I hope I don't confuse or bore anyone.
First issue we're dealing with is my husband's ulcerative colitis. In Feb, it was decided to get his disease under control, he needed to have surgery.....3 surgeries in fact. He had the first one to remove his colon the end of Feb. Then in the middle of March, we had 3 ER visits in a week due to an infection and then a possible blockage. Since then, things have been going pretty well with that.
Secondly, the end of March, DH's grandpa died. We all knew it was coming but it really brought back everything from my grandpa's funeral a year and a half ago.
Thirdly, daycare. Oh my! We are on our third daycare. My kids were really sick with colds in early March. I had asked her to keep my kids inside when it's cold til they were healthy again. She refused stating that it wasn't fair to the other kids. So, we decided to move them again but we can't until Aug. Then on April 5th, our current provider gave me a 1 months notice to find new care. Great! Luckily, our backup gal is going to cover the summer months for us.
Fourth, my kids behavior. My DD can be great but during his bad times, it's bad. Time outs, spankings (I know I know), positive reinforcement....nothing works. I just don't know what to do anymore. Then DS has horrible sleep habits. He has to have a bottle to go to sleep. He doesn't sleep through the night. His sleep habits have been really bad this past week. I'm just at my wits end. I feel like the worst mom in the world because I feel that it's my fault that DD's behavior and DS's sleep habits are my fault because I didn't discipline or sleep train them like I should have.
Fifth, I have tried becoming a "at home" show person selling cookware (I know I know) for some extra money. I had shows lined up and orders submitted and then they cancel that day or what have you or something happens to the order (financing didn't go through, found it cheaper on ebay). I know a lot of people are not fans of the "at home" stuff but it was something I thought would give me time away and allow me to work at my convenience and make a little money.
All in all, I feel like a failure and my husband says that I'm just too hard on myself. I feel like a bad mom, I feel like I should be able to pay all my bills and have money left over for gas and groceries on my own. And then when I need money from DH, I feel so guilty. I feel like my purchases aren't "worthy" enough even though I know that they are for necessities. DH doesn't mind because it's our money but I still feel like I should be able to do it on my own.
I've been trying to "let go" and understand that it's okay if things don't work out or whatever but I just can't. I'm constantly worrying about money, the kids, etc. I guess I think I should go see a doctor but I feel so stupid doing so. I just don't know what to do.
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Re: Advice please....(long but please help)
Wow - that's a lot going on! I think your issue is that you think you have to do this all on your own - you don't! It sounds like your dh is supportive but you don't want to accept his help/advice. I think you would benefit from some counseling to get past that.
GL to you!
Wow, you have alot going on! HUGS!
I can totally sympathize with the UC. My husband has it too, though not as bad as yours, though surgery might be his next option. He is becoming steroid dependant and has been in a flare for about a year now. I am sure you can relate to the game I call "pass the baby" when DH is holding her and has to pass her off because he has to "go" immediately. I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own home because he can't comfortably go anywhere like the zoo without the fear of having an "accident." It really sucks because I want to do these things with her but I don't want to leave him at home.
Anyways, just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this all. I am sure you are doing everything you can to be a good mom, so don't fault yourself for that. A bad mom wouldn't even try that hard and would certainly not be concerned enough to ask for help on here! Cut yourself some slack, which I know is easier said than done! I am a huge advocate for counseling....I know it has helped me a tremendous amount in the past. I hope it gets better soon!