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Stay at Home Moms
On our way to 3 under 4!
DD1 1/22/09
DD2 7/16/10
Baby Boy Due This Summer!
Advice Please: My almost 16 month old hits me (and only me).
She did it a few times in the last month or so, but now she does it every time I pick her up when she doesn't want me to (mostly in public).
Just this morning we were leaving music class and she didn't want to go, so I had to pick her up to get her moving. She slapped me in the face and pulled my hair. It was slightly embarrassing. She also did it at BRU (after music class). I let her run around the store for a few minutes so she could see everything and get some energy out, and then I had to actually go to the aisle we needed to go to so we could get out of there. She refused to follow me, and she's too young to have a conversation with and explain what we're doing, so I had to pick her up. She kept hitting me in the face. *sigh*
When she does it at home, I put her down immediately and tell her "no", but like I said, she mostly does it in public, or outside when she's trying to run into the street and I have to pick her up to stop her. When we're at home, I only really pick her up when she is begging me to, so it's not usually an issue at home. She doesn't do this to anyone else, thank goodness, but I hate that it's become such a habit with her. What do I do?
On our way to 3 under 4!
DD1 1/22/09
DD2 7/16/10
Baby Boy Due This Summer!
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Re: Advice Please: My almost 16 month old hits me (and only me).
Keep in mind that she is simply doing it because she is beginning to understand that she has her own thoughts, opinions, and feelings separate from yours. And that is a great thing!
If she is doing it ONLY when you pick her up and she doesn't want to be, then i wouldn't immediately put her down when she hits you. That only reinforces to her that she gets put down when she has rough hands.
She is at an age where she may not understand every word, but her receptive/understanding is remarkably good and developing daily and she is beginning to read context, tone, etc and can get the big picture. So, I think giving the heads up as to what is coming is very important - again, she won't get it all, but the more she hears it, the more she will understand. "In just a few minutes we are going to get in the car and go home for lunch."
When the offense actually occurs - you pick her up and she disagrees...I would state her emotion, "i know you are mad we have to get in the car. You were having such a fun time playing!" And even tell her to have "gentle hands" if you want to address that part. But she needs to know that you get what she is "saying" to you - this isn't a miscommunication on your part - you GET the message, LOL. And when you acknowledge her feelings and opinions and THEN follow through with your original plan - getting in the car - she will start to learn that sometimes things are not negotiable and hitting gets her no where.
I also wouldn't hesitate holding her (and posturing you) so that you can't get hit repeatedly - hold her facing out, hold her hands in yours, etc. And at this point, if you can't physically stop it, and you have stated that you highly prefer gentle hands, continuing in a physical and verbal disagreement and discussion will do nothing but escalate the situation. So, no eye contact, no facial expressions or commentary is the best to take any reinforcer out of the situation. Ignore it.
Try to take the emotion out of it on your end. EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!! I can promise you that 90+% of parents have had that or worse occur, so no need to feel embarrassed. Again, easier said than done. And nothing but wasted effort comes from really getting upset by it. It'll pass. It is a sign she is figuring things out and growing and developing.
And lastly, have an arsenal of distracters at arms length so when you pick her up and are requiring follow through, you can hand her something to help her move on to a more appropriate "behavior" - Little people her age aren't very good at figuring out what they could be doing instead and moving themselves to an appropriate activity. And when you give her something to try to redirect, you can even state something along the lines of, "let's find something else to do. would you like to play with X instead?"
Don't under estimate her receptive language. Kids initially learn language in big chunks. Will all of the context and visual information, she will make the ties pretty quickly as to what you are rambling on about!
Telling her "no, we don't hit" is good, as is putting her down, but not if that's what she wants when you're out. I'd put her in a stroller, car seat, cart, etc., if possible. Giving in & putting her down when that's what she wants probably isn't the best. I'm not judging - that's a tough situation.
Also, she may understand more than you think. When it's time to leave somewhere, I give DD a warning a few minutes before, then tell her to wave bye-bye when we leave. If she gets upset, I talk to her about where we are going next, even if it's home for lunch. That usually distracts her.
Thanks for the advice, ladies.
Just to clarify, I DON'T put her down when she hits me in public. I put her down when she hits me at home because she usually isn't hitting because she wants down. Like I said, I only really pick her up and hold her at home when she wants me to, so if she hits me at home, which doesn't happen often, it is for some other reason, so I put her down and have a cool down period for both of us. When she hits me in public, I have picked her up for a good reason (she is about to run through the racks of clothing, or is about to run in the street), so I don't put her down. I usually end up holding her in a baby/cradle position so she can't reach my face.
I will try to have something on hand to distract her, and will continue to explain why I have to pick her up so at least she has fair warning.
Just a few days ago we were on a walk, and she wanted to climb up all of our neighbors front steps (I remember someone else posting about this last week, so I had to laugh about it when DD did it a few days later). I kept telling her "We don't live there, we can't go up to their house." She obviously didn't understand, so I kept having to pick her up and move on down the sidewalk. I got smacked every time. *sigh*
It's frustrating, but I know she doesn't know she's hurting me (and she isn't really, it more annoys me and just isn't nice). And I realize that toddlers are just becoming aware of their world and love to test boundaries.
Putting her in a stroller or cart from the get-go is a good idea, and we do this most of the time we are out. She doesn't usually mind (knock on wood), and unless I let her start out walking on her own, she doesn't know the difference. Maybe I'll just stick to that when we're in a hurry, and leave the running around to the park and playground for now. :-)