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i need some help, please no flames.
as i said on friday, my husband and i arent quite what we used to be. divorce is being considered on my side, but i was hoping to get a little help from some ladies here. he has a criminal record, and i found out yesterday (not from him) that he has a charge i never knew about---assault on a female. i gave him another chance to tell me, he will not. would this be considered anything? like divorce-worthy, or at least counseling-worthy? if so, what would it be called? im not sure if theres an actual term for not telling something like that, legally. thanks
*The Blog*
Natural M/C : Arabella's Twin Guardian Angel, 7.29.2009.**Natural M/C : 2.20.2010.
18 weeks. Always Loved. 4 weeks.
Natural M/C : Arabella's Twin Guardian Angel, 7.29.2009.**Natural M/C : 2.20.2010.
18 weeks. Always Loved. 4 weeks.This discussion has been closed.
Re: i need some help, please no flames.
You posted this just eight days ago,
"he knows how i would never do it for myself, so he told me, yes, TOLD me, to go get my hair done and a mani-pedi today so i felt "even more beautiful for my first mothers day"
that man is incredible, and he was right! i feel so great! what makes you love your husband today, or any day for that matter"
And now this post? Don't you think maybe you've got a couple screws loose?
You'll divorce him if he cheats on you, but not if he beats you? You are in the minority just like you said. I just do not get that!
Same here. But I do agree with her overall point, which is marriage being sacred. I'm not religious at all, but I'd never consider divorce, short of cheating/abuse, without trying everything to make things work out. I mean, I had a cousin who went through 2 years of marriage counseling with her DH. They still weren't happy, so they divorced. I wouldn't stay in a marriage unhappy forever, but I wouldn't give up easily either. I get what she's saying.
A PP mentioned that last week her DH was spoiling her and she really loved him. Considering that, I think that the OP and her DH should consider counseling. Maybe she is depressed which is causing her resentful feelings towards DH?
Is it a charge of assault or a conviction for assault? There is a really big difference.
conviction.?
I'm religious, but I wouldn't side with a few bible verses that were written back when beating your spouse was normal over protecting my child and myself from a man who thinks its ok to hit women.
THis is bigger than simply wanting to follow religion and believing marriage is sacred. You ahve to protect your child.
Okay. I dated a guy like this. He was Mr. Prince Charming after I separated from my first husband. After my divorce was final, we considered getting married. Oddly (though I didn't think so at the time), I hadn't met any of his family, even though we were together about one year at the time everything blew up.
Lots of things happened, blah blah blah, but the end result is he beat the $hit out of me. And yes, I've been divorced, but there are valid reasons for it, including any kind of abuse, so it's not like I don't think marriage is sacred. BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
If all this is true, you need to get out or throw him out. I never thought someone would beat me...heck, I have a college education, right? I wouldn't get caught up in that, right? No, I was wrong, because he was a con artist and I was naive when it came to him. The night he beat me up, he dragged me by the hair, trying to pull me to my purse and give him my debit card for drugs. I told him to take it, crawled to my car keys, and got.the.hell.out.
Locks were changed that night by SD and bro. IMO, if he does it once, he'll do it again.
?
thank you for this, honestly. i was in an abusive relationship when i was younger, but i was stupid then. this post helped me wake up a bit. i dont want to do anything to put myself or mydaughter in harms way. i really appreciate you telling me your story. thank you again.?
Thank you! My thoughts exactly
Romans 7:2-3 (New International Version)
2For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
I think God would let you leave the marriage if he knew your man was beating the crap out of you. You need to get with the times.
i said that was written during those times...not that the bible said it.
I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute here and give you a few stories. Please note, I'm not advocating for abuse in any form, just saying you dont know the full story. This doesn't apply if he's already been abusive to you, of course-I'm assuming by your post he's just moody but has never shown violence towards you or your daughter.
A male friend of mine in college and his gf got in a fight. He got really angry and threw a chair (not at her). She called the cops. He got charged with assault. He pleaded out for a lesser sentence (I think he actually got community service over it). Would you consider someone like that a threat to your child? Of course I'm not advocating that behavior at all, but I wouldn't consider that a divorce-worthy situation either.
Another male friend of mine was arrested for rape in high school since some girl was "mad" at him. She eventually recanted her story, but not before his rep was destroyed.
I think without knowing the full story you can't judge. "Assault" is a pretty broad definition. Can you ask him outright about the record and see if he has an explanation?
You said in your original post:
If anything else is taking place where I couldn't be with him, like abuse etc, I would just get separated.
I juts don't see your reasoning.
I would be more concerned with the fact that he won't come clean about the assault conviction. Yes, there could be some whacked out story behind it, but if he truly didn't beat the sh*t out of some chick, you'd think he'd want you to know that.
I don't think counseling will help in this situation.
This. And I may have missed updates about your health, but it would be normal for that to influence your decision. While I typically think marriage is worth the work, you've got a lot on your plate right now, he has a pattern of behavior that likely won't change, and it may not be worth the work in this case.
And to the pps who don't understand the notion that her husband showers her with gifts and can seem charming and generous -- that's the classic abuser. That is part of the control philosophy. It's how they keep you around despite the abuse. It's also known as inconsistent reinforcement. It's much more effective than positive or negative reinforcement. Basically, the concept is that when someone gets mixed signals (e.g., abuse sometimes and gifts other times, or even an animal in a maze that only gets a prize randomly), the abused spouse or the animal will keep trying, hoping for the desired outcome.
In my experience, abusers are not likely to change their habits, even with counseling and therapy. There's a deficiency there that cannot be fully corrected.
Good luck to you and your daughter.
That's true, but you only know half the story so it's a bit far-fetched to say that he's a "classic abuser".
All we know from the OP is he has a conviction on his record (which she doesn't know the reason behind) and mood swings. It's tough to make that assessment when you know such a small part of the story.
True. My intent was not to say that HE is a classic abuser, just that the pattern (abuse - reward - abuse - reward, etc.) is one of a classic abuser. (Sorry for the caps. I'm new to a Mac and can't figure out bold).
I'm not against divorce. I believe you should try everything to make it work first if you're both willing, however I would not stay with somebody who was/has been abusive ever. I did that in the past and never will again, especially not with my LO around now. I would talk to someone. If he isn't willing to, then I would leave. Just my opinion.