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1st Trimester
This may seem crazy and a bit mean......
Ok, we are finally pregnant after a bit of journey with infertility treatments. My mother has no idea we were even trying to get pregnant because of how absolutely overbearing she is. Now that we are pregnant, I dread telling my mom, she is going to drive me nuts!!! She already calls me at work in the middle of the day just to chat - and she uses crazy baby voices or exaggerated southern accents (she lives in Texas). Is wrong for me to make a list of rules for her to follow during my pregnancy? I just feel like I need to be upfront with her about what I want during this pregnancy otherwise my sanity and patience will fly right out the window.
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Re: This may seem crazy and a bit mean......
I would wait to tell her unless your ready now. She might surprise you..
She didn't know you where doing fertility tx?
No one in our families knew we were doing fertility treatments, either, and we haven't told them yet about the pregnancy. We're debating whether we should tell them soon (like after my repeat beta on Monday, or possibly Memorial Day weekend after what will likely be our first u/s) or wait until the end of the first tri... we're not sure they can be trusted to keep it secret until then, and we don't want the whole extended family knowing until we're out of the first tri.
I think a written list of rules might come across poorly, but I don't think you're mean or crazy at all for wanting to set specific boundaries early. We'll probably have to do the same with my in-laws, LOL. The earlier you start setting boundaries, the more likely she is to respect them, and the more sane you'll stay.
no. It's not ok for you to make a list of rules for your mother to "follow".
It's ok to tell her not to call you at work though.
I know the idea of giving my mother rules is ridiculous - I'm just not sure what the best way will be to handle her and so far that is the only idea I've come up with. If I just wait until she's done something to upset me or DH, my response will hurt her; whereas, if I sit her down and explain our wishes for this pregnancy I just felt like she would then know how we feel and maybe, just maybe try to curb some of her behaviors.
Newsflash: you're going to get unsolicited advice from your mom whether you want it or not. Respectfully setting boundries is fine. Giving your mom a list of rules is not.
I think our mother's may be sisters! When I picked out my wedding dress, my mom went and bought the one she liked. At the beginning of my marriage if she called and I was tired, she would call my brother and tell him that DH was abusing me and he needed to talk me into moving home. When she comes to visit and I have to work, I'll come home and my house is virtually completely re-arranged to the way she thinks it should be. When I go to Texas to visit she gets mad at me for meeting old high school and college friends for dinner. The list goes on and on..................
I think in the end it depends on the exact situation that is going on. Without a set of rules for my mom we would not have any sort of relationship at all. I have three sisters that refuse to talk to her at all, and the two oldest haven't spoken to her in nearly 20 years. When you have a mom like mine boundries aren't enough. You have to take over as the parent and set rules that she must follow. I refuse to allow my mother to put me under any more distress or mental/emotional abuse than she did as I was growing up. She wants to be in my life? Then follow my rules.
They might be!
That sounds like the situation with my family. My brother and I both cut her off for about a year, she would write us letters and when my dad said she had finally got help for her issue (prescription drug addiction), we slowly let her back into our lives. Unfortunately, she is the epitamy of give an inch, take a mile; which is the reason I feel the need for boundaries.
In the end you can only do what you think is best. I understand that everyone may think it is a sign of disrespect, but sometimes it is actually a sign of respect.
First-I'm from Texas and I love my Texas Accent!
Second- She is your mom!! She loves you! One day your kid might be saying the same thing about you!
Just enjoy being pregnant!
This.
My mom is super annoying too, but she has been pretty respectful and good since telling her my news. I waited until 10 weeks and dreaded telling her. The experience was not enjoyable and she annoyed me to no end the entire weekend, but now she has backed off a bit. I'm not going overboard with sharing stuff anyway, so I think she has taken the hint that I will share what I deem necessary.
But I KNEW that the experience of telling her was going to suck and I just expected the entire day/weekend to be allll about her. So it made it easier to deal with, knowing the reality of the situation. Be realistic, don't expect much from people, and just turn your brain off if it becomes overwhelming.
I DO think it's perfectly acceptable to say, if she's being overbearing or going overboard, "I have an OB whose medical advice is the only one I trust" or "Thanks for the suggestions, but I'm not really open to them right now" to be honest.
It's just a matter of phrasing things well but you do also have to exercise some patience here. She's excited and loves you.
Cooper+Evie=Soulmates
Thank you. We are planning on waiting until the 4th of July to tell everyone, we will be entering the 12th week by then, it just seems like perfect timing. I am just trying to mentally prepare myself for the stress of my mother's behavior. Of course, like several of you have said - she may surprise me but my expectations come from past experiences with giving her what I feel is extraoridnary news and her reactions being fairly inappropriate. Maybe having 7 weeks to prepare myself will make all the difference.
This is incredibly presumptuous of you. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. It can be incredibly difficult to deal with a parent who has boundary problems and addiction issues.
To the OP, I don't think a list to give to her is appropriate but you have to find a way to set boundaries. Maybe make a list for yourself of what you're willing to do/put up with.
If you don't like that she calls you during the day, stop taking her calls.
It's kind of presumptuous of you to state your piece as well. The OP may allude to struggling with boundary issues but she states nothing about addiction whatsoever.
Judging from the information the OP gave us, it sounds as though her mom does love her- she's just super annoying and needs some boundaries. Mine is the same way.
If I gave my mom a list of written rules, she wouldn't necessarily follow them but I would have some kind of proof that I did explain to her my wishes. She is a big fan of saying "well, you didn't tell me you didn't want me to do that" or "i didn't know". I think the way we plan on handling this is to just talk to her and my father. If my dad hears me verbalize my wishes, he will do his best to make sure she respects that.
Actually she does state an addiction:
"That sounds like the situation with my family. My brother and I both cut her off for about a year, she would write us letters and when my dad said she had finally got help for her issue (prescription drug addiction), we slowly let her back into our lives. Unfortunately, she is the epitamy of give an inch, take a mile; which is the reason I feel the need for boundaries."