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2nd Trimester
Randy'sgirl52409
member
Prince Spaghetti Night
XO My Funny Valentine XO
Mother's insults...vent.. a little long
Randy'sgirl52409
member
Hi all. I hung out with my mother tongiht, movie and a pizza thing. Was supposed to be a nice night together. Well.. it turned into a really terrible night for me. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship but I can't say just anything to her or fear her never talking to me again.. that's how she rolls.
Ok so all of my life I have heard from her "you are so defensive, stop being so defensive"... and maybe I am but I feel that when I am "defensive" it is warrented and valid and I have a reason for sticking up for myself. I like that about myself, period. So we are having a conversation and I end up saying something about my daugher being a "mimi me"... my mom agrees and we both have a chuckle. She then goes on to say that she hopes my unborn daughter does not have my overly defensive quality because it is so unattractive...I felt like the world stopped for a brief moment... since when did it become ok to throw your daughter under the bus while 25 weeks pregnant with your first granddaughter (my first child)??? I was so hurt and pissed and of course when I tried to discuss it with her I was once again "being defensive" so I just had to shut my mouth and fume by myself until our movie night was over.
Does anyone else think that this is NOT ok to say to your child? i would NEVER dream of treating my daughter like that. All of her qualities is what is going to make her so special. Sometimes I feel like my mom is a prime example of what i don't want to be as a mom to my daughter....
Prince Spaghetti Night
XO My Funny Valentine XO
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mother's insults...vent.. a little long
That part has me confused, bigtime.
Anyway, I do not think that's okay. If it hurts you or bothers you, tell her then. It will not get better if you don't bring it up. If she gets upset or says you're getting defensive, tell her she's right and you're defensive bc again, it hurts when she says things like that, so you feel like you have to put your guard up. Sounds like she is just stubborn and set in her ways. If this doesn't work, cut back on mother-daughter time or just clam up when it gets to that point. Hopefully, she will get the hint that you were not just being defensive for sh!ts and giggles, but bc it really does bother you/upset you. (See bc now you will have shown her you're upset instead of just sitting there and taking it.) I hope this helps. My mother is pretty much the same and when I cut down on time with her, she actually tries to be a bit more tame and not so judgmental. Hope this helps! (Also this is my first pregnancy and my mom's first grandchild.)
Well I have a hoooorible relationship with my mom and i made the decision a little over a year ago to just flat-out cut her out of my life because I just couldn't deal with her negativity anymore. Among her many 'wonderful' qualities, she also used to call me on everything like my weight ("ur gonna be as big as a house") to me not doing so well in HS ("you aren't gonna do anything with your life") So I completely understand ur frustration.
There's nothing wrong with being defensive--it shouldnt even be worded that way; you are DEFENDING urself against negativity, which you are allowed to do. Idk how ur relationship is otherwise and I would never suggest anyone take the route I did with my mother but I look at it like this: A mother isn't a title, its a role. You can't just claim ur a mother and expect all the accolades, praise and respect that comes with it if you arent doing a good job in said role. If it were a legitimate job that came with a salary and u were hired in, then you'd be liable for termination. I had to terminate mine...and I havent regret the decision either. Good luck with yours.
I've been in the "you're too defensive" spiral also (someone tells you that you're too defensive --> you attempt to stick up for yourself --> you're too defensive --> etc) and it is frustrating. Since when was it not ok to be assertive and not take insults from people? That would be something I would HOPE is passed on to my daughter.
I think you did the right thing in this instance by being quiet (as hard as it is to do) as I have a feeling that if you 'defended' yourself, your mum may have pulled the old "hormonal pregnant woman" chestnut also. I'm really sorry this happened, it's crap.
I would like to point out that this here: "I can't say just anything to her or fear her never talking to me again.. that's how she rolls" makes it sound like your mum uses avoidance as a defense mechanism, which (imo) is far less healthy than how you would approach things. Perhaps she is jealous of your ability to handle a sticky situation? I don't know...But yeah, I hope everything turns out ok x
THIS. You're not being "defensive." You're being assertive. Assertive personalities ARE attractive in women. People act "defensive" when they have low self-esteem (because they feel like people are always attacking them or putting them down), and you don't want that for yourself OR your child -- and one way to get it is by letting your mother tell you that your personality is "unattractive!"
Do we have the same mother? My mom doesn't stop talking to me if I say the wrong thing, but she feels entitled to criticize me & DH without any response from me. When I do respond, I'm being "defensive." It sounds like that's how your mom is excusing her behavior. If she can turn it around and make it about your defensiveness, then she isn't doing anything wrong.
I've told my mom that if she continues with those types of cutting and judgemental comments she's not going to get a response from me. It's ultimately going to lead to a relationship where we have very little to talk about because I'm simply not going to say anything back. A lot has changed because she does want to have a relationship with me, she's just had to change how she communicates with me.
i have a great relationship with my mom but if she says something that's somewhat rude and i tell her so, her response is, 'you are so sensitive.' it drives me NUTS. my usual response to her is, 'maybe you are being INsensitive.' hell, even if i AM being sensitive, i'm freakin' pg.
i try to let it roll off my back but i understand your frustration. it took a good cry and vent to my sister to get me to realize that there is nothing i can do about HER behavior except call her out on it when it happens or ignore it.
Zoey Emma 08.18.10
This is exactly what happened to me.
And no, I dont think it is ok for your mother to insult you like that.
So, are we long-lost sisters? My mom is the same way - I've always said it's like having two moms. The really loving, protective, supportive mom (when I was a single mom, expecting #2 and my first husband left, she left her husband for a year to come live with me in another state and help me out); and the evil, crazy mom (still, when said first husband left, she somehow blamed his multiple affairs on "well, you really have let yourself go over the last few years" - WHAT?) I am also always told I'm overly sensitive - yeah, to her mean, biting comments.
Unfortunately, we don't get to pick who we're born to, nor do we get to pick whom we give birth to. Personalities are weird, and we have to set boundaries as best we can, love the lovable parts of them, and try to deal the best we can with the rest.
Thanks so much for your feedback everyone, it really really helped me put perspective on things. I feel like such a strong woman until I am faced with having to deal with my mother, then I revert back into the scared 5 year old little girl I used to be. I am going to have to have a chat with her and know that it in turn may turn into what I don't want... a severed relationship with my otherwise very cool mother. But that's her choice, not mine and I know I can't own her behavior or choose the outcome. I can only be honest. Thanks again so much!
also, this is brilliant.