In desperate need of MIL advice!

thanxbaby · May 2010

Please read, I know it's long but really need some outsiders advice!

Don't even know where to start... MIL has always had foot-in-mouth syndrome and says the worst things especially to me and has seriously pissed off her other daughter in law many many times, leading to them not being able to see their grandaughters for a while because of the tension.

Ever since DD was born she is on my last nerve with her comments. If DD is whiny or acting tired/teething and I say "oh someone is tired or not feeling well," she will correct me "no, she just wanted that toy" or some stupid freakin comment. This happens all the time and I just want to say I happen to know my DD better than anyone thank you! She is constantly working against me rather than with me and makes situations a million times worse (getting DD even more hyper and crazy at a restaurant when I was clearly trying to calm her down and get her to eat, then when I said enough to DD, she says "careful or I won't be able to see you anymore"). WTF?!

At SIL's bridal shower when a family member hugged me, MIL said "oh yeah I forget so and so (myself) is family."

At a family members destination wedding, DD was up during the nights while we were there for hours during our several day visit and we assumed teething. DD was a flower girl and DH was a groomsmen so I had my hands full with DD who was flipping out not wanting to get dressed, etc. I was clearly frazzled and she kept crying so DH's parents kept taking her from me, she would calm down but cry when she saw me because she wanted me and did not feel well (which we didn't know at the time). I took a few minutes and went to find them and I hear SIL saying to my DD, "oh your happy now, that's because grandpa has you" right after I hear that MIL turns to me and says "what are you doing get out of here she is happy!" I looked at her very annoyed and said, "she is NOT crying and upset because of me." And walked off fast because I was about to cry. Turns out DD WAS sick and threw up all over herself 15 minutes before wedding started so we did not get to watch or participate.

Now, MIL sends me a card saying sorry I hurt your feelings in trying to help and is crying to SIL about this whole thing instead of calling me. I would love to tell her how she hurts my feelings with the constant comments and maybe this is the perfect opportunity? Just not sure how to handle this but know we HAVE to address it soon. Advice please?

ameliahedlund · May 2010

oh boy, how does DH feel about all of this?

christine52078 · May 2010

yikes~not fun. how does your DH feel about how his mom acts? What I would probably do in this situation, since she is apologizing, is I would just drop everything that has happened and move forward from here. Hopefully things will get better, and if they start going back to the way they were, then talk to her about it. She probably isn't calling you b/c she feels embarrassed by the way she acted and doesn't know what to say. Not that she shouldn't call and talk to you directly, but some people just aren't good at that

Good luck, hope its a better situation for you from here on in.

emiliemadison · May 2010

Honestly it sounds like you're just REALLY sensitive. So she says some stuff that rubs you the wrong way. And? Based solely on the examples you've given us, it doesnt really sound like she's done anything wrong. You just dont like the way she handles things. So....um....get over it. She's going to be part of your life forever. Learn to ignore her comments and you'll be a much happier person.

thanxbaby · May 2010

He wants me to talk to her. He knows she is out of line but says she has always been like this (foot in mouth syndrome), sorry but its no excuse for me. He did tell her she crossed the line at the wedding and that I know our DD better than anyone else. I just don't know where to begin with her, I can't just let this go with all of the hurtful comments.

thanxbaby · May 2010

emiliemadison:
Honestly it sounds like you're just REALLY sensitive. So she says some stuff that rubs you the wrong way. And? Based solely on the examples you've given us, it doesnt really sound like she's done anything wrong. You just dont like the way she handles things. So....um....get over it. She's going to be part of your life forever. Learn to ignore her comments and you'll be a much happier person.

Really? You would let it go when your MIL says comments like "I forget you are family?"

Gerts · May 2010

I would take the high road and say nothing. Unloading your frustrations will only make you feel better for a few minutes. But your MIL will be hurt and she will never forget. That will hang over your relationship for a long time. It isn't worth it to hash it out.

kada626 · May 2010

I would call her and thank her for sending a card. I would just tell her that some of her comments in the past seemed insensitive and in the future you hope it will be better.

When she makes an comment you disagree with, just tell her. It doesn't need to be so dramatic.

emiliemadison · May 2010

thanxbaby:
emiliemadison:
Honestly it sounds like you're just REALLY sensitive. So she says some stuff that rubs you the wrong way. And? Based solely on the examples you've given us, it doesnt really sound like she's done anything wrong. You just dont like the way she handles things. So....um....get over it. She's going to be part of your life forever. Learn to ignore her comments and you'll be a much happier person.

Really? You would let it go when your MIL says comments like "I forget you are family?"

What, exactly, would be the alternative? It doesnt sound like she says things to be malicious, but- as you said- just puts her foot in her mouth by saying things without really thinking. Your DH said she has always been like this AND she apologizes when she actually realizes that she's said something that's hurt your feelings.

You're not dealing with a toxic, evil woman who is hell bent on ruining your life. She's just got diarrhea of the mouth and seems kind of ditzy. A well-meaning, bumbling idiot if you will.

So what can you do? Cut her out of your life? Let her comments ruin your life? Or just accept that she says things without thinking and move on with your day?

Paris05 · May 2010

Gerts:
I would take the high road and say nothing. Unloading your frustrations will only make you feel better for a few minutes. But your MIL will be hurt and she will never forget. That will hang over your relationship for a long time. It isn't worth it to hash it out.

I agree with this 100%

Paris05 · May 2010

Gerts:
I would take the high road and say nothing. Unloading your frustrations will only make you feel better for a few minutes. But your MIL will be hurt and she will never forget. That will hang over your relationship for a long time. It isn't worth it to hash it out.

I agree with this 100%

LillyGrrl · May 2010

On a personal note, I disagree with the "hold your tongue" attitude.

You need to tell your DH that he has to chat with her about the way she treats you. HE is the one that needs to deal with his mother.

For the last few years I've been brushing off the little insults that my MIL has jabbed at me or done to me (like remaking Thanksgiving dinner after I busted my tush for 2 days for everyone, mostly my DH's family members, or the time she complained that my DH and I think she and my FIL "have no life" when all we did was ask them to come to our house instead of their tiny house). I kept my mouth shut all in the sake of peace for the family.

But I should have been honest and told my DH that he needed to talk with her. Now we are facing an even worse situation with her that involves the health and well-being of our daughter. It is at the point we are giving her the kiss off (FINALLY the woman has annoyed me for almost the last year) and I told my DH I want him to mention all the other awful things she's done to me in the last year. I even went so far as to write her a letter (which one day I would LOVE to give to her but probably won't because it's supa-harsh).

I am all for honesty! But I think your DH has to be the one to do it.

oceanlover · May 2010

My MIL is known for her mouth and joking at other's expense. I couldve written this post a few years ago, and there are times I want to scream still. I finally learned to turn a ear to it. She helps us out so much, brings DS1 to preschool (he wouldnt be able to attend without her help!) The more I relaxed around her, the more she accepted me and quit most of the comments. I know every situation is different but we have a completely different relationship now.

thanxbaby · May 2010

See, I left out alot of info because there is way too much history here. It's not like this just started happening, it's been going on for 10 years now and I never stand up for myself with the all the comments (by the time I think of something smart that is not offensive it's after the fact). So when I acted dramatic at the wedding it was soo not me, I hate confrontation but I had reached a breaking point with all the comments. And this is the first and only apology I have ever gotten from her, it's not like she pisses me off and then apologizes. So in a way I am glad she knows she offended me and is crying over the fact that I am dissapointed in her, she is afraid I will shut her out like her other daughter in law.

I think I will just let this go but from now on I will have to stand up for myself when she starts making little jabs here and there. I just wasn't sure if I should address it or not because I have a feeling she will want to talk.

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