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Attachment Parenting
KittyKatMom
member
DH not an attachment parenter by nature
KittyKatMom
member
I was attachment parented as a child, my DH wasn't. So naturally, I am using attachment parenting techniques with DS, but DH isn't. He'll hold him for a few minutes, but prefers to put him in his swing, bouncy, or playmat. He is also isn't on board with bedsharing and thinks DS should be sleeping in his crib, so we've been sleeping separately, which is no fun.
I can't really approach him with a book on AP because he thinks I research things too much and that we should rely on our natural instincts, rather than what other people and so-called experts tell us. The problem is, my instinct is to AP and his isn't.
Has anyone else experienced this? It's hard because I don't want to constantly harp on him, but I'm not completely happy with his parenting style and I feel like we're constantly debating about things.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." - Jack Layton
BFP #2 12/26/11 ~ EDD 9/6/12 ~ MMC discovered on 1/27/12 @ 8w1d (measured 6w2d)
BFP #3 8/10/12 ~ EDD 4/23/13 ~ MMC discovered on 9/13/12 @ 8w2d (measured 6w6d)
BFP #2 12/26/11 ~ EDD 9/6/12 ~ MMC discovered on 1/27/12 @ 8w1d (measured 6w2d)
BFP #3 8/10/12 ~ EDD 4/23/13 ~ MMC discovered on 9/13/12 @ 8w2d (measured 6w6d)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH not an attachment parenter by nature
Well said! It has taken a while, but DH now loves bedsharing, always loved babwearing. He's also stopped talking about CIO! DS is so happy and I'm much happier too, so DH can't argue with the results.
have you pointed out that a lot of your "instincts" come from what other people have taught you and therefore it makes sense to research things so that you can come to an agreement that works best for your family.
Have you discussed what is at the bottom of each of your instincts.
ie, is it an instinct to put a baby on the mat or is it boredom on the parents part?
This example could fall either way. Sometimes it is clear that a baby wants to be down and not held. Sometimes the parent has had enough of holding the child (I personally think it's better to put a child down when you've had enough, rather than to hold it because you "should")
Anyway I guess my point is, how in depth have your discussions been so far. What is his reasoning for his instincts. What are his concerns around holding a child a lot or bed-sharing. Lots of people worry about spoiling babies or worry that they'll have no personal space as parents, or that the kid wil be in your bed until they're 15.
So if you know what his concerns are then perhaps you can agree to find more information out as relevant, rather than you trying to convince him that your instincts are better just because you say so.
Good luck.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I think three things.
1 - You need to keep talking. As PP stated, talk about "why" you think bedsharing is good or bad, talk about "why" you prefer to hold baby over putting him down, etc. Talk about why you think you have the instincts you do. Parenting with another person isn't always easy (just wait until you're trying to potty train or disciplining a 3 year old!) and it is critical that you communicate about the decisions that you are making as a team. It sucks that you didn't start out on the same page, but that doesn't mean that you can't find common ground. Also, if he has preconceived negative notions about AP, then don't talk about AP. Labels don't matter. What matters is that you talk about options and make decisions together.
2 - Remember that this baby has been a part of *your* life for 11 months, but from DH's perspective it has only been 2 months. Yes, he knew that you were pregnant for 9 months...but in the womb the baby was an abstract idea to him and not a constant creature moving around in his body. This whole thing is much more new to him than it is for you and it is TOTALLY normal for a dad to be a little distant with a baby that isn't interactive. I'll tell you honestly that my DH became MUCH more engaged with DD when she became more interactive. He tried for those first few months, but my bond with the baby was closer until her personality started to shine through.
3 - Pick your battles. Decide what parenting decisions are most important to you and debate those - cosleeping, BFing, whatever...but DO NOT micromanage the way he parents and question everything he does. As a possible example - So what if you want to babywear and he wants to use the stroller. As long as baby isn't being ignored or harmed, this isn't something to try to change. Decide what is critical and let the rest go.
Is he opposed to AP or is it not just his instinct? I agree with MrsAmers in that picking battles is key. I also think it's good for LOs to grow up knowing that the boundaries and destinations are the same, but mommy and daddy sometimes have a different way of getting places. If your husband's "instincts" are different than yours but completely safe and not harmful, let him build that independent parenting skill but continue to model how you do it so he can see what else works for LO. Give them plenty of time alone and I'm guessing the first time your LO gets really fussy and the bouncer doesn't work, he'll be begging for you to show him how to wear :-)
For BFing and co-sleeping, I see them as being pretty tied together in nighttime parenting. If you aren't co-sleeping, is DH willing to get up each time with LO and bring him/her to you? My DH's enjoyment of not needing to get up was a key motivator in his liking of co-sleeping. We did however, have M start the night in a bassinet in our room most nights so DH and I could have some alone time together in the living room. After his first waking, he came to bed with us.
Hugs and good luck. Good communication is key, but hard when you are tired and stressed.