Clicky Poll: Thoughts on working or SAH before taking leave

CA2006 · May 2010

In light of the heated debate about maternity leaves and using leave if you know it isn't likely you will return or quitting before you take leave, I wanted to take a poll to see where people stand on this issue for my own curiosity. I realize this is the WM board, so it is unlikely that someone would pick option 3. But there may be some people who did this with 1 child and not another so I wanted all options. So, which describes you?[Poll]

BizEB · May 2010

I was pretty much option 1. Knew I wanted to come back, never really wanted to SAH and came back. I did come back part-time 3 days/week- my original plan had been to come back 4 days/week.

FWIW, I don't think this poll will work because this is a board of working moms. You're not going to be accounting for the women who decided to SAH after loving maternity leave or those women who always knew they'd SAH but who rode out maternity leave for the benefits.

CA2006 · May 2010

BizEB:

I was pretty much option 1. Knew I wanted to come back, never really wanted to SAH and came back. I did come back part-time 3 days/week- my original plan had been to come back 4 days/week.

FWIW, I don't think this poll will work because this is a board of working moms. You're not going to be accounting for the women who decided to SAH after loving maternity leave or those women who always knew they'd SAH but who rode out maternity leave for the benefits.

Yeah, I am not sure how I would capture those. Just trying to see how many people never, ever waivered frm the time they went out until the time they returned. Or, as some put it: weren't overly emotional.

Stacyc625 · May 2010

I feel VERY strongly on this-

I knew EXACTLY what I wanted- and that was to WAH. I was extremely upfront with my boss and company. I said- I would be open to continuing my professional relationship with said company IF and only IF it was on a contractor basis and it was solely WFH- if that wasn't something they were interested in I wouldn't be returning after the baby was born and I would take the 6 weeks STD (that WAS owed to me) and paid out vacation time.

My company was very eager to keep me involved in my role- and jumped on the chance to hire me as a contractor. 2 years later I am still working for them and have gotten a nice raise and they paid for my grad school while WFH.

Being upfront with your company is important. I have gotten stiffed by 3 women and had to pick up their slack when they didn't return. I would NEVER do that to a company or co workers.

I also do other consulting on my own and I personally employ both male and female accountants- and an open line of communication is an expected requirement.

duchess0727 · May 2010

Stacyc625:

Being upfront with your company is important. I have gotten stiffed by 3 women and had to pick up their slack when they didn't return. I would NEVER do that to a company or co workers.

I also do other consulting on my own and I personally employ both male and female accountants- and an open line of communication is an expected requirement.

For me this is the bottom line. If you expect to be treated honestly and fairly, then you need to act that way yourself.

CA2006 · May 2010

Stacyc625:

I feel VERY strongly on this-

I knew EXACTLY what I wanted- and that was to WAH. I was extremely upfront with my boss and company. I said- I would be open to continuing my professional relationship with said company IF and only IF it was on a contractor basis and it was solely WFH- if that wasn't something they were interested in I wouldn't be returning after the baby was born and I would take the 6 weeks STD (that WAS owed to me) and paid out vacation time.

My company was very eager to keep me involved in my role- and jumped on the chance to hire me as a contractor. 2 years later I am still working for them and have gotten a nice raise and they paid for my grad school while WFH.

Being upfront with your company is important. I have gotten stiffed by 3 women and had to pick up their slack when they didn't return. I would NEVER do that to a company or co workers.

I also do other consulting on my own and I personally employ both male and female accountants- and an open line of communication is an expected requirement.

You are very lucky, honestly. That sounds like a great situation. My job/field doesn't allow any flexibility like that. You are either in full-time or you are out. If they make an exception for 1 person, they have to do it for everyone. So there isn't an option. Honestly, maybe that is where the disconnect it with this debate. If my job allowed the option to go part time or WFH, it would have been a no-brainer for me.

capitalB · May 2010

duchess0727:
Stacyc625:

Being upfront with your company is important. I have gotten stiffed by 3 women and had to pick up their slack when they didn't return. I would NEVER do that to a company or co workers.

I also do other consulting on my own and I personally employ both male and female accountants- and an open line of communication is an expected requirement.

For me this is the bottom line. If you expect to be treated honestly and fairly, then you need to act that way yourself.

But who in their right mind would go to their employer before maternity leave and announce that they are not sure they are coming back? I do think there is a middle ground here, which is to be thoughtful about how and when you quit, offer to come back and tie up loose ends, train your replacement, etc.

Stacyc625 · May 2010

See I really don't see it that way- it was FAR from 'luck' ~ i believe you make your own luck.

it was very black and white for me. Even if they weren't 'on board' I would have left in a second and made myself happy regardless and found a different client.

CA2006 · May 2010

Stacyc625:

See I really don't see it that way- it was FAR from 'luck' ~ i believe you make your own luck.

it was very black and white for me. Even if they weren't 'on board' I would have left in a second and made myself happy regardless and found a different client.

Again, it is great that you have this option. But for me (and I am sure a lot of others), it is come back full-time or not at all. That's a big commitment. I am happy with my job and have no reason to look elsewhere, but full-time is a serious consideration when you think about all the hours you are giving up with your LO. All I am saying is that the decision doesn't come easily to everyone. Add PP hormones to the mix? Even more difficult. Look at all the DAILY posts about women who are sad, afraid, confused, etc. about coming back to work at the end of their leave. Do you think all of them knew they woudl be confused when they went out on leave?

You posted about this on the SAH board and there are at least a few who took their benefits before giving notice. People have worked for a company long enough to earn those benefits and deserve to take some time away from work to adjust to their new family and figure out what is right for them without being blamed for workplace discrimination. Obviously company culture, size and how each individual handles themselves when giving notice is going to play into how they are viewed. The OP who started this said she wanted to leave her option open in case SAH wasn't for her. She has already had 1 baby...she likely knows herself and knows her thoughts may change.

duchess0727 · May 2010

Keep in mind that many of us on this board are managers so we aren't looking at this from the perspective that some mean old boss isn't going to care whether or not we want to be home with our baby or not. We are looking at what WE would do if our employee were the one pregnant and going on maternity leave.

The bottom line is, I want to know what I'm dealing with, as does any boss. I want to know even if my employee is considering staying at home as an option but may still come back. I'm not going to fire that person if they are thinking about it. That is ILLEGAL and I would get sued. But I may start considering my internal options for shifting work around and I may start accumulating resumes so I can begin a search if necessary. Either way, it doesn't leave me high and dry in the end.

sgrl · May 2010

I knew I had to come back and expected that I'd want to. Discovered while on mat leave that I didn't want to come back, but SAH is not an option. So here I am!

BoxTer · May 2010

I'm "other" in that I suspected I didn't want to SAH but wasn't particularly thrilled with the job I had at the time (somewhat of a long commute, not very challenging) so I ended up giving my notice while I was on leave, giving them plenty of time to find a replacement. And I was up front about the fact that I wasn't sure if I was going back or not and my boss was very understanding about it. I had been interested in doing PT but it wasn't possible. I had been SAH for about 11 months when I started seriously looking for a new job and happily found a position at a school where I had been wanting to work for years. I started here when DD was about 13 months old and am so happy I did. Now I might have the option to go PT here with a more flexible schedule and it really would be ideal for us as we have no local family here to help with DD and my current job doesn't allow for a lot of flexibility, hence it is difficult to schedule doctor's appointments, take sick days, etc.

EastCoastBride · May 2010

I knew I was coming back, but it was more from a I HAVE to come back POV. We couldn't afford for me not to.

However, my issue is when people knowingly go on leave, esp if it's full paid leave (not STD, but a benefit the company decided to offer), and KNOW they aren't coming back. They full on go into it KNOWING this.

My old company started paying women 100% of their salary to go on leave. They eventually stopped. I'm sure there were a number of reasons for this, but I would not be surprised if paying out the leave then having the employee not come back was a factor!

People who change their mind- it's harder to be angry at that. Many women can really ahve every intention of going back but things change after the baby comes. This happens and it will never stop.

CA_EAM · May 2010

I freakin love this debate today. I really admire those that are strong and sure of their decisions and really love their working life. I thought that would be me, but I have struggled a lot. I am trying to love my working life. This is me coming from a place where I am really not happy with my company, so keep that in mind as it taints my view currently.

I chose "other" in the poll because whether I wanted to or not I had to come back to work. DH started his own company, and it was our choice to have a baby when we did. So I have no choice but to work to provide benefits and a paycheck for us.

Maybe for #2 I will have a choice, and I've thought about maybe taking a year or two off. I honestly don't know if I would like being a SAHM even though I struggle as a WM. Either way motherhood and life can be a struggle and I get that. If I do have a choice to make with #2 I would probably decide after having the baby, after my leave AND after returning to work. After some time if it really doesn't seem to work out I would try to work with them to reduce hours/flex time whatever to make it work. Only then, in good graces, could I think about actually quitting.

madhatter2003 · May 2010

duchess0727:
Keep in mind that many of us on this board are managers so we aren't looking at this from the perspective that some mean old boss isn't going to care whether or not we want to be home with our baby or not. We are looking at what WE would do if our employee were the one pregnant and going on maternity leave.

The bottom line is, I want to know what I'm dealing with, as does any boss. I want to know even if my employee is considering staying at home as an option but may still come back. I'm not going to fire that person if they are thinking about it. That is ILLEGAL and I would get sued. But I may start considering my internal options for shifting work around and I may start accumulating resumes so I can begin a search if necessary. Either way, it doesn't leave me high and dry in the end.

Ditto this. My boss told me it was totally normal to be unsure, but she would rather know at some point on my leave that I was going to leave rather than waiting until the end of the 16 weeks so she could find a replacement. Plus I knew I'd have to pay back some of the benefits, etc.

I knew I was coming back, but my company does 'cover' themselves through rules about what women would have to pay back after leave, what happens to sick/vacation time, etc. BUT I think it's good to be as honest as possible especially if you are leaving or may quit around a tight deadline at work, etc. It's just the same as any time you quit...there's a right and a wrong way to do it.

Jennys1stBaby · May 2010

sgrl:
I knew I had to come back and expected that I'd want to. Discovered while on mat leave that I didn't want to come back, but SAH is not an option. So here I am!

This pretty much. If you took option #1 and changed the wording from "wanted to" with "had to". I wish I could SAH. I love my job (and $), but I love my DS more!

sju · May 2010

With my first I knew I HAD to go back to work but with my second I felt I wanted to.

Before having my oldest I had a position I disliked and required more travel. I had applied for a promotion that would require less travel and I did not get it. There were also other things that happened before I left on mat. leave that upset me. All that combined made me consider quitting but I didn't because I needed the job and I have a good job compared to the alternatives out there. The position I have now opened up while I was on leave and I got it so I came back to an "almost" fresh start and I am much happier. With #2 I knew I wanted to work p/t temporarily so I was upfront about it with my office while I was pg. I got the approval until late June.

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2010

I had a FT job when I was pregnant. I went on maternity leave and was planning to come back after 13 weeks of maternity leave if I didn't find a part-time job. Luckily, I was offered a part-time job when DS was 2 weeks old (I interviewed the day before I was induced). I gave my notice when DS was about 5 weeks old, since my job was 40 minutes away and I didn't want to resign over the phone. They had someone on task force helping out for the 13 weeks I was gone, so it wasn't that detrimental. They had someone hired before I would have been back from leave, so I didn't feel guilty at all.

bunny731 · May 2010

#1-assuming they were healthy. If they had special needs (or this one has special needs) I would have a different response.

alli2672 · May 2010

So quitting during my maternity leave would have been career suicide for multiple reasons. I would probably never get a job again if I quit halfway through my contract. I knew that I was going back and that any feelings I had about leaving my child wouldn't change that. I knew that I was going to have to learn how to deal with it and find the best childcare possible.

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to go through maternity leave with that kind of decision to make at the end of it.

flyer23 · May 2010

I voted #1, because it's the closest match. But I think there are VERY few women who return to work -- or SAH, for that matter -- and NEVER waver on it.

With DD, I didn't really waver when I was on leave, because I knew I had to return to work. DH had recently started his own company, and I was carrying benefits (and a stable paycheck) for the family. Still, I wavered DAILY after returning to work... I was completely miserable. But I told myself I needed to stick it out for six months, before making any drastic changes. By the time six months rolled around, our situation had changed completely and I was MUCH happier.

I'm on leave right now with DS. I'm really enjoying it, and I do think about SAH a lot -- way more than I thought I would. But I'll be returning to work. If I go back and I hate it, we'll figure something else out.

mysticporter · May 2010

My answer would be that I 100% knew that I would be coming back. My husband's answer would be that he knew with 100% certainty that he planned to stay home. In our family, I suppose the question is more relevant to him since the 'choice' was him working or not, not me working or not. (Aside, it irks me when in a family it is assumed the man will work and the woman can do what she chooses, I think it should be a family decision how responsibilities will be met.)

alli2672 · May 2010

mysticporter:
My answer would be that I 100% knew that I would be coming back. My husband's answer would be that he knew with 100% certainty that he planned to stay home. In our family, I suppose the question is more relevant to him since the 'choice' was him working or not, not me working or not. (Aside, it irks me when in a family it is assumed the man will work and the woman can do what she chooses, I think it should be a family decision how responsibilities will be met.)

So you are the traditional "dad" in your family, and your DH is the traditional "mom." So this question applies to him and not to you. Why does that irk you?

mysticporter · May 2010

alli2672:
mysticporter:
My answer would be that I 100% knew that I would be coming back. My husband's answer would be that he knew with 100% certainty that he planned to stay home. In our family, I suppose the question is more relevant to him since the 'choice' was him working or not, not me working or not. (Aside, it irks me when in a family it is assumed the man will work and the woman can do what she chooses, I think it should be a family decision how responsibilities will be met.)

So you are the traditional "dad" in your family, and your DH is the traditional "mom." So this question applies to him and not to you. Why does that irk you?

The question posed by the poll doesn't bother me. What always strikes me (I just put it in as an aside in this post, all the posts of today reminded me of it) is that a woman "decides" or "chooses" or "wants" to return to work after kids, whereas men..just do. What specifically irks me is when that assumption is even made within a family itself: the husband will (naturally) keep working, and it's "up to the wife" what she wants to do. It's fine if the family decides for either, or neither, spouse to SAH, but I think it trivializes women as workers that their income is the disposable one and is discriminatory toward men if the rationale is based entirely on "she's the mom, she decides SAH or not" rather than a family decision.

DallasHorn · May 2010

I make a significant amount more than DH and have benefits, so logically it makes sense for me to work. That said, when I first returned, I didn't know how much I would need to travel. In my ideal world, DH would have found a new job (and close the income gap b/t us) and I would have gone part time.

CA2006 · May 2010

mysticporter:
alli2672:

mysticporter:
My answer would be that I 100% knew that I would be coming back. My husband's answer would be that he knew with 100% certainty that he planned to stay home. In our family, I suppose the question is more relevant to him since the 'choice' was him working or not, not me working or not. (Aside, it irks me when in a family it is assumed the man will work and the woman can do what she chooses, I think it should be a family decision how responsibilities will be met.)

So you are the traditional "dad" in your family, and your DH is the traditional "mom." So this question applies to him and not to you. Why does that irk you?

The question posed by the poll doesn't bother me. What always strikes me (I just put it in as an aside in this post, all the posts of today reminded me of it) is that a woman "decides" or "chooses" or "wants" to return to work after kids, whereas men..just do. What specifically irks me is when that assumption is even made within a family itself: the husband will (naturally) keep working, and it's "up to the wife" what she wants to do. It's fine if the family decides for either, or neither, spouse to SAH, but I think it trivializes women as workers that their income is the disposable one and is discriminatory toward men if the rationale is based entirely on "she's the mom, she decides SAH or not" rather than a family decision.

This is because the woman is really the one entitled to the leave...and will naturally be taking at least a few weeks of it b/c she will be recovering from an actual birth. Whereas a man typically isn't given leave. Not saying men not being given leave is right, but I think that's why the woam has to make the choice to "come back or not" while for the man, it would be considered quitting.

mysticporter · May 2010

CA2006:
mysticporter:
alli2672:

mysticporter:
My answer would be that I 100% knew that I would be coming back. My husband's answer would be that he knew with 100% certainty that he planned to stay home. In our family, I suppose the question is more relevant to him since the 'choice' was him working or not, not me working or not. (Aside, it irks me when in a family it is assumed the man will work and the woman can do what she chooses, I think it should be a family decision how responsibilities will be met.)

So you are the traditional "dad" in your family, and your DH is the traditional "mom." So this question applies to him and not to you. Why does that irk you?

The question posed by the poll doesn't bother me. What always strikes me (I just put it in as an aside in this post, all the posts of today reminded me of it) is that a woman "decides" or "chooses" or "wants" to return to work after kids, whereas men..just do. What specifically irks me is when that assumption is even made within a family itself: the husband will (naturally) keep working, and it's "up to the wife" what she wants to do. It's fine if the family decides for either, or neither, spouse to SAH, but I think it trivializes women as workers that their income is the disposable one and is discriminatory toward men if the rationale is based entirely on "she's the mom, she decides SAH or not" rather than a family decision.

This is because the woman is really the one entitled to the leave...and will naturally be taking at least a few weeks of it b/c she will be recovering from an actual birth. Whereas a man typically isn't given leave. Not saying men not being given leave is right, but I think that's why the woam has to make the choice to "come back or not" while for the man, it would be considered quitting.

Au contraire...fathers and mothers have identical rights and entitlements under FMLA, which is all a lot of people get.

(BTW, I hope you saw my comments on the other two posts, we do have differing opinions on this, but I apologize that I got you and the other poster confused, a lot of my specific comments earlier stemmed from that confusion).

sunrae719 · May 2010

essentially I was #1, but I chose other because it was never about what I wanted. I knew I had to work, but I would have loved to stay home and it got harder the longer I was home with DS. But I never even entertained the thought of staying home because there was just no way.

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