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Postpartum Depression
sapphire angel
member
I've been crying for about 3 hours now...
sapphire angel
member
I can't seem to stop. LO has been screaming for some unknown reason. SIL came over earlier and whenever she took LO from me, LO would stop crying and screaming but then started up again every time I took her back into my arms. She screams when I pick her up then screams even more when I put her down. SIL left about 3 hours ago and LO just calmed enough to eat and sleep now. I hate myself for putting her down in her crib while she was screaming and then going out on to the porch to get away from her. The neighbor came over this weekend and said that if I can't take care of my LO she'll call CPS on me because all she hears in the evenings is LO screaming. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
I really want to see my counselor but I won't be able to go see a new one until June when the center reopens and even then I'll be seeing someone new. I hate feeling like I need to see her when I know she is paid to act like a good friend and confidante.
I'm so tired of being alone. No close friends or family and FI is on the other side of this state. LO doesn't exactly make for stellar company. I started thinking again about putting LO up for adoption but I hate not knowing whether or not she'd have a good life. My family would never forgive me either for doing this. Or that maybe I should of had an abortion. I don't think I could ever do it but I am so frustrated with feeling this way. And thinking of the what if's that I have no control over.
I'm tired and want to sleep but the Ambien doesn't work anymore. I would get some wine to help me relax but am afraid to drink while on the antidepressant. I don't understand why I am feeling worse now when we increased my medication.I'm having more and more bad days. I am about ready to just stop taking all the medicine and just let what happens happen. I hate taking medicine all the time. I hate the antidepressant, the asthma and allergy meds, the pain relievers because my incision site still hurts, the sleep aid and I think my blood pressure is high because of all these seemingly non-stop headaches. They feel a lot like the ones I had at the end of my pregnancy when my BP would not drop below 140/95.
I just want this to stop, to go away so I can have my life back...why is this so hard right now?
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Re: I've been crying for about 3 hours now...
Do not feel badly for putting your daughter in a safe place when you need to take a bit of time to step away. That is the smart and safe thing to do. Forcing yourself to carry on when you've reached your limit is not good.
I remember the feelings of "what have I done to my life and this little life I've brought into the world". (And this is coming from an IVF mom who went to great lengths to have this baby, wanting to opt out.) From my pespective, this sounds like you are still in the strong throes of PPD.
Keep taking your meds. Are you taking them EVERY day, at the same time? I know that when I am not med compliant, I feel like hell. I have learned, the hard way, that I have to take my meds first thing EVERY morning. I take them before I feed the baby or make my coffee. I have to take care of me first so that I can take care of the baby.
As for counseling. Can you call your insurance company and ask how you can get additional sessions approved NOW? You need to see someone before June. Are there any free-clinics in your area where you could see someone? Try calling your OB's office and see what resources that they have available.
I am so sorry that you are feeling the way that you are. It will get better. I can imagine that is hard to imagine right now. But it will.
Are you eating regularly? Three meals a day with proper nutrients? I know that I have a hard time prepping meals for myself. My DH was deployed until recently. There were too many times that I did not eat as well as I should have because nobody was there to notice and I just didn't have the energy to put something together. But, you do need to eat.
Sorry that this has gotten so long. I remember when you posted before. You are such a strong woman, but you are working through a lot right now. You can do it!
One last thing--call your OB about the headaches. I ended up with the most severe form of pre-e and my BP, after delivery, was off the charts. I know that your situation is not the same, but BP issues need to be looked at. Hopefully they will make an appointment for you. And, during said appointment, tell them exactly how you are feeling--especially the bad and ugly parts (you can tell them the good--how cute your DD is!).
Hang in there!
I called the center this morning. My psychiatrist is going to double as my therapist for now and they also relabeled some of my appointments to get around the seven limit. If FI was with me (which he did go to some with me) they were relabeled as couple sessions which are on a different tally sheet. My psychiatrist appointments do not count towards the seven limit and they also approved me for 5 more sessions before the end of June. I'm also going to stop in so they can take my blood pressure several times today, tommorrow and Wednesday before my next appointment. Their office is in the building just next to mine so it's not far to walk.
I did miss one pill about a week ago. But other than that I take the antidepressant every night at around the same time because I set an alarm for it (give or take about 30 minutes depending on LO and what we are doing when the alarm goes off it also triggers it's own 5 minute snooze to remind me when I can't get to it right away and that lasts about 30 minutes). I know I don't eat well enough and this happened to me during the pregnancy also. I had to set timers to remind myself to eat and I guess I'll have to do that again. I did start the taking the remainder of my prenatal vitamins this morning since I know I don't eat well enough. Looking back this weekend and last week, I think my caloric intake was probably under 800 each day and some days I know were under 500 because I only had half an apple, a granola bar and a yogurt cup.
I've been thinking about talking to the OB office about BC and if it would help the PPD by using the pill (or something else) to keep hormone level patterns more normal and from fluctuating all over the place. I don't know if that would help anything though but I guess it's worth asking about.
Thanks for responding. This weekend had me feeling completely lost and hopeless (still do this morning). I'm ready for my life to move on, I just can't seem to work past this dark spot.
I'm so glad you are getting in to see your psychiatrist--getting treatment right now is SO important.
What is your neighbor's DEAL? Jeez. Your baby crying has NOTHING to do with you. Some babies are colicky. As long as you're responding to her cries (and if you have to occasionally put her down to re-group, that's absolutely okay) what the heck can you do? If there was a magic "no cry" pill, I'm sure you'd give it to your baby.
Argh.That makes me really angry for you. The last thing you need right now is unsupportive judgment. Hang in there--your DD is just darling, btw, and you are doing a GREAT JOB.
for what it's worth I remember the public nurse telling us in prenatal class if we needed a time out to put the baby down and step outside. Don't feel bad about that- you did exactly the right thing. It sounds like you could use a bit of a break... could you go stay with family for a few days so that you will have someone to watch her while you take a nap/have a shower, etc?
I don't know how old your LO is- but the first 6 weeks are the toughest... and you sound like you are trying really hard.
Neigbours can be a real pain.... Children's aid doesn't take a child away from a parent because the baby is crying- only if you are abusive. Don't worry about crazy neighbours...