DHs who were anti RE and/or testing?

mdluv21 · May 2010

Did others DHs resist getting tested or think you should wait longer to see a RE than what you did?

Mine thinks since we have only had 6 chances in the last 10+ months that he shouldn't have to get tested. That if we could just make me ovulate more then we would get PG. I explained to him that me ovulating more/earlier in my cycle might be my our only issue but that clomid can only be taken so many times, so they want to know all possible challenges ahead of time just in case he has any problems too. He doesn't seem to get it.

Plus, we just found out today we have no IF treatment coverage after all. (We thought we did.) That made him even more anti - moving forward.

He is just usually so level headed and this is one of our only arguements we have ever had. I hate that we are not on the same page.

It just seems like everyone elses DHs are so supportive. I am hoping mine comes around or maybe he is right and he will have a reason to say, "I told you so."

gymnst1013 · May 2010

It's just so hard for our husbands sometimes. It's not their bodies and they just don't understand what we go though. It's not on their mind every second of every day. Mine wasn't necessarily anti-RE or testing, but he put his SA off for several months. He did finally get it done though and then we started our appointments and he is definitely on board now.

Maybe just give him some time to adjust to the no coverage news (so sorry btw!) Can you maybe suggest just going to the initial appointment and seeing what the doc has to say and taking it from there? Can you tell him you don't necessarily have to jump straight into testing? Maybe once he has a better understanding of what the challenges may be from a neutral party, he will be more on board. I'm sure he will be supportive though.

(((hugs)))

loloindiego · May 2010

I'm sorry he's being a butt Md. He's probably just nervous about giving his sample, the results, or both, and he's just using your issues as a way out. I would just remind him that this is the ONE thing he has to do while you're getting b/w, u/s, an hsg, and most likely taking meds that can make you feel like a crazy lady.

And you're absolutely right.. you shouldn't even take clomid until he's done his test. You definitely don't want to waste any cycles taking something to help your issue, when you don't even know if he also has an issue.

Sorry again hun.. I hope he changes his mind soon!

katib77 · May 2010

My dh is so passive. It's more like he's a spectator in the process than an active participant. I told him OBGYN wanted us to have three more cycles before seeing an RE but that she gave us scripts for SA & HSG so that we can have them done. Well this is cycle 3 since she said that. I had HSG and DH just said "well lets wait to see this cycle before I *bother* to get the SA".

I feel like saying "because then I can get an RE, and set the 3 day B/W if we're not KU this cycle and we'll already know about your SA!" But I don't feel like forcing the issue since it's only a little while away before we know for this cycle. I'm picking my battles and making him go a week or to earlier is not worth it for me.

MrsTucker07 · May 2010

My DH was not wanting to leave my ob/gyn and go to the RE. I think he was afraid the RE would want to jump into procedures that would cost thousands of dollars before exhausting every other option. He didn't quite get that doing Clomid unmonitored at my ob/gyn was just wasting time. However, after our initial RE consult, he is definitely on board. I think hearing it from someone else (besides my emotional/hormonal self) made a difference.

mdluv21 · May 2010

gymnst1013:
It's just so hard for our husbands sometimes. It's not their bodies and they just don't understand what we go though. It's not on their mind every second of every day. Mine wasn't necessarily anti-RE or testing, but he put his SA off for several months. He did finally get it done though and then we started our appointments and he is definitely on board now.
Maybe just give him some time to adjust to the no coverage news (so sorry btw!) Can you maybe suggest just going to the initial appointment and seeing what the doc has to say and taking it from there? Can you tell him you don't necessarily have to jump straight into testing? Maybe once he has a better understanding of what the challenges may be from a neutral party, he will be more on board. I'm sure he will be supportive though.
(((hugs)))

I had made the mistake of telling him they said he didn't need to go to this appointment and now he going to do a talk at some conference in San Diego.

I will try and bring him to whatever my next appointment might be. He said he wants more time. I guess that is just what I will have to give him. I think after we after we have been officially been trying for year and he is turning 33 too it will start to sink in more and more.

Gives us more money time to save for possible treatments, I guess.

Luckily, all of our testing is covered so I can finish doing mine. I think all I have left is my HSG. I am really hoping the more he hears about everything I am having to go through the sooner he will feel bad about not wanting to jack off in a cup.

Thanks for your reply. Sometimes I just feel like I have the only reluctant DH.

mdluv21 · May 2010

loloindiego:
I'm sorry he's being a butt Md. He's probably just nervous about giving his sample, the results, or both, and he's just using your issues as a way out. I would just remind him that this is the ONE thing he has to do while you're getting b/w, u/s, an hsg, and most likely taking meds that can make you feel like a crazy lady.

And you're absolutely right.. you shouldn't even take clomid until he's done his test. You definitely don't want to waste any cycles taking something to help your issue, when you don't even know if he also has an issue.

Sorry again hun.. I hope he changes his mind soon!

Thanks lolo.

I think he worried about the results and I think the no coverage was a big blow to both of us because we both thought we had $25k.

Temp356619000002780 · May 2010

You know mine was and getting him to do that first SA took forever to convince him! You can ask Sulfa she'll tell you how much I use to complain that he wouldn't test. But then one day he said OK. Then he said no to meds and when he found out I needed them he said ok. Then IUI or IVF that was a hell no. Then he said ok, but I don't want a surrogate or adoption. Now I'm working on the surrogate and the adoption. I hope he will come around.

It's harder for men to deal with IF. Most are scared of finding out they are at fault. It's a huge hit to heir ego. Can you imagine going to a lab and being put in a room with a cup and porn and told to get busy? Remember you have to finish to fill the cup. That has to be so difficult. They work themselves up and once they do it they know it wasn't a big deal!

GL babe I really hope he comes around!

mdluv21 · May 2010

katib77:
My dh is so passive. It's more like he's a spectator in the process than an active participant. I told him OBGYN wanted us to have three more cycles before seeing an RE but that she gave us scripts for SA & HSG so that we can have them done. Well this is cycle 3 since she said that. I had HSG and DH just said "well lets wait to see this cycle before I *bother* to get the SA".

I feel like saying "because then I can get an RE, and set the 3 day B/W if we're not KU this cycle and we'll already know about your SA!" But I don't feel like forcing the issue since it's only a little while away before we know for this cycle. I'm picking my battles and making him go a week or to earlier is not worth it for me.

I hope this cycle works out for you hon so you don't have to battle!

I would not have been pushing mine but this cycle I am in is making me a little nutty. I just hate not knowing what is going on!

I told DH don't you dare tell me to relax one more time. haha

mdluv21 · May 2010

mari2003:
You know mine was and getting him to do that first SA took forever to convince him! You can ask Sulfa she'll tell you how much I use to complain that he wouldn't test. But then one day he said OK. Then he said no to meds and when he found out I needed them he said ok. Then IUI or IVF that was a hell no. Then he said ok, but I don't want a surrogate or adoption. Now I'm working on the surrogate and the adoption. I hope he will come around.
It's harder for men to deal with IF. Most are scared of finding out they are at fault. It's a huge hit to heir ego. Can you imagine going to a lab and being put in a room with a cup and porn and told to get busy? Remember you have to finish to fill the cup. That has to be so difficult. They work themselves up and once they do it they know it wasn't a big deal!
GL babe I really hope he comes around!

Thanks sweetie. I really do think it is all about fear. I would just rather know if something is wrong and deal with it sooner rather than later but I know that is not how he sees it.

He said to me in the past, "If it ends up being my fault, you can divorce me." So I know it worries him. Of course I would never leave him and told him that was absolutely ridiculous! I think he has that thought in his mind now though.

He can do his at home. I have the cup. He never even has to see a doctor.

Temp356619000002780 · May 2010

mdluv21:
mari2003:
You know mine was and getting him to do that first SA took forever to convince him! You can ask Sulfa she'll tell you how much I use to complain that he wouldn't test. But then one day he said OK. Then he said no to meds and when he found out I needed them he said ok. Then IUI or IVF that was a hell no. Then he said ok, but I don't want a surrogate or adoption. Now I'm working on the surrogate and the adoption. I hope he will come around.
It's harder for men to deal with IF. Most are scared of finding out they are at fault. It's a huge hit to heir ego. Can you imagine going to a lab and being put in a room with a cup and porn and told to get busy? Remember you have to finish to fill the cup. That has to be so difficult. They work themselves up and once they do it they know it wasn't a big deal!
GL babe I really hope he comes around!
Thanks sweetie. I really do think it is all about fear. I would just rather know if something is wrong and deal with it sooner rather than later but I know that is not how he sees it.
He said to me in the past, "If it ends up being my fault, you can divorce me." So I know it worries him. Of course I would never leave him and told him that was absolutely ridiculous! I think he has that thought in his mind now though.
He can do his at home. I have the cup. He never even has to see a doctor.

Hmm! Can you suggest he sit back and relax? You do all the work! For all he knows theirs nothing wrong with him. Or are you guys open to adoption you can tell him you just want to be a mother and him be the father. I really think it's fear and that starts to fade. You will have to give him time!

I took this approach " The RE said he won't do anything until you get tested". It eventually worked.

mdluv21 · May 2010

Yep I am going to go next week and then tell him - there are lots of things the RE can do but none until you get tested. Then wait...hopefully not too long.

Temp356619000002780 · May 2010

mdluv21:
Yep I am going to go next week and then tell him - there are lots of things the RE can do but none until you get tested. Then wait...hopefully not too long.

That's what I did, but I was a little bit pushy! I told him and your SA is scheduled for (date), then he said I can't that day, Then I said ok then what day.... LOL But I'm in sales I'm good at being persuasive without being too pushy. I'm sure he will come around! I really am hoping this works for you!! Best of luck! Now I'm off to bed!

mdluv21 · May 2010

mari2003:
mdluv21:
Yep I am going to go next week and then tell him - there are lots of things the RE can do but none until you get tested. Then wait...hopefully not too long.
That's what I did, but I was a little bit pushy! I told him and your SA is scheduled for (date), then he said I can't that day, Then I said ok then what day.... LOL But I'm in sales I'm good at being persuasive without being too pushy. I'm sure he will come around! I really am hoping this works for you!! Best of luck! Now I'm off to bed!

Thanks so much sweetie!

Goodnight! xoxoxo

Ya Never Know · May 2010

We're just starting out with the specialist, and I think when the doctor told DH he would have to get an SA done right off the bat in the first 5 mins of being there, he was a little weirded out. DH is generally weirded out by anything that's not natural when it comes to TTC. He's not keen on the idea of using drugs (Seraphene/Clomid) for us to get pregnant, but he acknowledges that going about things the natural way is probably not going to get us anywhere. He's been surprisingly good about it so far... though he likes to refer to our doctor as "Dr. Test Tube Robot Baby Maker". Oh well...

I hope everything works out for you and YH.

LaStrega · May 2010

My DH is definitely resistant to the SA. He knows he has to get it done, but keeps putting it off. I hate pushing him on the issue, but we can't move forward until he does it.

He also doesn't get why I need to be monitored on the Clomid, no matter how many times I explain it.

mandyandmike2009 · May 2010

Your def not alone. My DH still hasnt been tested. I don't really know what else to say to him to get him to go. He says he will go, but when is my question?

Blasianlove · May 2010

M didn't understand why I would rather do the testing to get pregnant when there are children in the world that needed adopting. I just explained that I wanted at least one blood child and I have no problem adopting.

He dragged his feet about getting SA testing, he finally did it after 4 months. 3 of those months I was on BCP, so I guess it wasn't too bad.

He is a supportive person, just something about dealing with Infertility he doesn't like/understand.

STL34 · May 2010

My husband didn't mind testing, etc. with my OB. But, he is scared of moving to an RE. I think I finally have him convinced that we shoudl if this cycle is a bust, but you never know when he will change his mind. Originally, I thought his big hold up was the money side. We too will be completely OOP for IF. Then, a couple of weeks ago he told me that the only person he knew (one of his coworkers' wives) who went through IF treatments ended up with triplets and he is terrified of having multiples (at least more than twins). Now that I understand his fear, our conversations are more productive.

ecleptic · May 2010

MH has been a pain int he rear about the RE. First he said "12 months, not 12 cycles". Then "give it a couple more cycles". Then "okay but you have to do it on your own." I finally dragged him into the RE (and in a bad mood) and he complained about the cost of the diagnostic cycle (when we had already known about it).

Once we started the diagnostic cycle he threw a fit that they drew enough blood to make me faint (complaining that he was paying good money for doctors to "break" me.) and got upset that they made him pay for each appointment individually since we're OOP. We had a bad fight the morning of his SA because he didn't want to go- then he botched the SA, and when the doctor called to tell him he'd just have to do it again- he declared that work was going to be too intense to schedule it for almost a month- dragging out any possibility of treatment for another cycle.

He swears he's okay with this. That he supports me. That he's willing to do his part and help me get through my part. This part of IF hasn't been great for our marriage though. It's certainly not going to break us- but we bicker about the RE more than everything else combined. He's just really freaked out about anything that involves him in this process.

Want a personalized experience?

DHs who were anti RE and/or testing?

Re: DHs who were anti RE and/or testing?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards