Community› The Bump Message Boards› Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
New Discussion

I think I hate Mother's Day

bethskyebethskye
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Hello everyone...it's been a while.

I don't usually like to share things online.  I don't usually like to share with anyone really, but I need to write this down.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm just very sad.  I am getting help, but I needed to write this.  Please don't be alarmed.  Someday the sun will come out again, but that day is not today.

I lost Natalie in September, three days after my husband told me about the affair that he'd been carrying on with a fellow med student for several months.  She worked at my OBGYN's office.  We tried to keep a public face on while we buried our daughter.  I took my leave.  I went back to work.  He went back to school.  He went back to her.  He confessed it.  He went back to her.  They got pregnant in early December.  He was scared.  She was scared.  I wanted to save a life.  I tried to help.  I'm an idiot.  They got an abortion.  He promised to stay with me.  I'm an idiot.  The new year came.  He went back to her.  I never said anything to anyone.  Finally, he said he wasn't leaving her any more.  I could stay if I wanted.  We could pretend.  I called my mom.  My family rescued me.  I went home.

Work was better about it than I could have imagined.  I work remotely now from far away.  I cry a lot.  Everyone thought that things were perfect.  I guess I lie well.  I'm never lying again.  They tell me I'm strong.  I'm not strong.  They say that she was taken for a reason.  They say that I'll have other chances.  I see other people who have children and hate them.  I see hatred, anger, and violence.  Was I really so bad?  I only know what I told her the night that he told me. 

I told her that she would always have me.  I told her that everything I would do was for her.  I promised her that she would always be first.  I promised that we would go.  I never meant any words more than those ones.  Instead she left.  I stayed to try to salvage something.  The only thing worth saving was her.  I should have known that.  At least I saved one of my cats.

I live in a basement now with my cat.  Everything I built is gone.  I live in a house with five other people who love me, near my church with 3 thousand people who love me, and in a community of people who love me.  I'm alone.  I'm alone because I can't let anyone see me like this.  I'm an idiot because I know damn well that they see it every time they look at my face.  I don't lie any more.  People may want me to say that I'm fine.  I'll do that when I am fine.  A year ago my husband said that I couldn't celebrate mother's day.  I wasn't a mother yet.  Now I'm just a sad foolish woman with a baby in the ground.  I think I hate mother's day.

Report Reply to Post

Re: I think I hate Mother's Day

  • Lorange-8Lorange-8 member

    I am so sorry for your loss! You are a mother and always will be, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I'm sorry you have these feelings we are all here for you no matter what!!!! Your in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

    Keep your head up!!!

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • jerriesgirljerriesgirl
    You ARE a mother, no matter what your ex-husband says.  Your baby knows you love her and she is watching over you.  Please lean on those around you; I bet they are strong enough to hold you up.  We are here as well.  Please post here as often as you feel like. 
    My Blog
    We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
    Report Reply
  • SassyMamainVASassyMamainVA
    I am so, so sorry for your loss.  You are a mother!  You were from the day your baby was conceived.  And you are strong.  Just because you're sad and angry doesn't mean you're weak.  Please use the support you have around you when you are feeling down...people want to help and want to see you happy.  Come here whenever you need us...we'll be here for you!  (((Hugs)))
    Report Reply
  • damabo80damabo80 member

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I'm so, so, so, sorry, sweetie. For your loss, for everything you had to endurre. You experienced a lifetime's worth of grief in only a few short months. You are not alone, and so many people care about you.

    In addition, you ARE a mother. You loved, cared, and mothered sweet Natalie for 32 weeks. That 32 weeks is your entrance to mother-land. Don't let your husband or anyone else tell you any differently.

    Please feel free to vent to us whenever you want to. We'll be waiting with open arms and lots of virtual hugs.


    BFP #1 via IUI ~ L (Fatal Birth Defect) 4/7/10
    BFP #2 via IUI ~ m/c
    BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
    BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
    image







    Report Reply
  • Amanda02aAmanda02a

    I am so sorry for your loss.  You have survived a heartbreaking journey.  Please know that you are a Mother!  Vent here anytime you need to and we are hear to listen.  hang in there! ((hugs)) 

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • millejj1millejj1 member

    I am so sorry! No one should have to deal with this and even on the bad days the fact that you keep going makes you strong. You are and always will be a mother.

    I also agree that please come here whenever you want, everyone here is amazing.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"