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Single Parents
DBs mom...
when i first got pregnant, DB's mom told us that she will pray to every God/Gods there are that my LO dies in the womb.
she sent me an email when i was about 23 weeks or so and she said "i dont want to have to get a lawyer to see my granddaughter, blah blah blah"...im not scared of that, the lady has no money, lives in a room at someones house, just got her car repoed, has no job, and chews all day. shes really a pathetic woman. i told her threats of a lawyer will not be tolerated and what not.
she asked me for pictures of LO when she is born, I asked her if she wanted me to email LOs ultrasound pics. she said no. to me a grandma who is excited to see their grandkid would want to see the US.
should i even keep this woman around, when her son isn't even in the picture? and i did tell her that ill only send her email, she cant call me or will see LO. she lives in another state anyway. i dont want LO around a woman who wished her dead.
thoughts? am i mean to not have this woman around at all, im thinking about changing my email and ending it there.
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Re: DBs mom...
I was still with her son when she said that. DB laughed, but when he saw i was upset (i lost a baby awhile back) he than told her how out of line and horrible what she said was.
We got her a 'grandparents' magazine and she wouldnt even except it. she said 'put that *** away' and now she wants to be in MY LO's life.
If DB isn't involved, his mom has no reason to be either. You're taking a very mature position by saying you would email her pictures of LO and setting up proper boundaries.
If I were in your shoes (which I wish I were, DB wont stop 'threatening' court) I wouldn't involve her simply because of the first sentence. No one has a right to say that ever. If someone were to say that to me, I might not be able to control where my fist connects on their body....
Just make sure you take the mature route and keep everything on your half calm and collected, if she freaks out, don't freak out back! You're doing the right thing in what you're saying, but IMO she shouldn't be involved at all. GL! :]
Do you think she was scared, and that's why she said that? My X's mom told me I should have an abortion when I found out I was pg. I think it is a common reaction (hoping for a miscarriage/having an abortion) when the baby is not a person to them yet, and they don't have the physical connection that you do. It is a hard thing to forgive, but I think it takes a while for it to sink in for the grandparents.
I'm just showing you the other side of the coin here. I was in a similar situation when I was pregnant, but I wanted X's parent's involved. Even after she asked me to have an abortion, I gave them another honest shot. They wanted to be a part of DD's life regardless of my X's choice. At that point, he had taken off to another state, so it was quite possible that he wasn't going to be involved.
I saw them as another kind of support. Your DB's mom might be that for you. She is another set of hands to watch LO (when you're ready for that... X's parents haven't watched DD yet and she's 6mos old!). She might help out monetarily if you need her to. She is another person to love LO! Unless she is viscous, mean, drug abuser, alcohol abuser, etc etc... I don't see why you would want to cut off ties with a potential support system.
I understand the hurt it caused when she made the comment about miscarrying, but it sounds like it might have been out of fear. I don't think you should make the effort for LO to have a relationship with her, but if DB's mom wants to have a relationship, I think you should let her make the effort.
These situations where kids are born to unwed couples (like in mine as well) or even married couples, and one parent takes off, are so fvcked up. And it's so hard when the child gets to an age where they realize their situation is not the same as the other kids at school. Maybe another grandmother would help make it a little more normal for LO?
I know it's hard to even consider it after what she's said to you, but think about the emotions behind what she said. I'm sure it was fear, worry, concern for her son, etc. I'm not excusing what she said, but whether you allow her to have a relationship with LO or not, it is going to make you feel a lot better to try and forgive her for that. (Easier said than done, I know).
ETA: I'm playing devil's advocate here. I just want to make sure you're seeing both options clearly. I don't know this woman or how toxic she may or may not be. I think you should make the choice that is right for YOU and LO!
Eh, if the mother really wanted to see the child, and was NOT crazy - I'd have no issue.
She sounds like a nut job. Block her phone number and email address.
This. She sounds nuts.
ofcourse i appreciate your opinion and every mom's opinion on this board. but i don't think it was said out of fear, her son was in his 30s not like a teenager, you know? but she hasn' made much of an attempt other than that email. I would never let here watch LO, even if she begged me too. the things she says and i've seen how shes lived, that thought would never cross my mind. as for grand parents, she has two sets on my side (parents split) who are SO excited for her, and already love her soo much. they have bought and payed for everything for LO, they have been such blessings. this woman is more of a health hazzard on LO. she wouldn't even stop smoking when i was around her pregnant. as much as i'ld love to see the positive side in her, i just feel i can't. i wish she could be a support system, but i know she can't be or ever will be. plus she just moved in to DB's apartment i found out, so theres for sure no way i'll let LO around an abusive A$$hole and household.
i feel sad for my LO, but i know she has family on my side, a HUGE family that loves her so much and cares for her. these other two people should be important to her, her father and grandmother, but they haven't been worthy enough to even know LO's name. Not because of my grudges, that has all gone away...but for the safety of LO.
I think an unplanned pregnancy strikes fear into anyone, teenager or "adult." But I also think that if LO's safety is at risk, it doesn't matter if you're being "mean" by keeping LO away from her dad/grandma. It sounds like that is what you HAVE to do to ensure LO's safety. GL!
i totaly agree with you there!
that being said, i dont think someone should suggest abortion to anyone! thats something someone should think of on her own, i mean we all know the option is there, but no one has a right to suggest that to anyone.
yea, i know, i agree with you too. i started going off on something else haha.
I don't think suggesting you kill your child and saying you hope the baby dies are much different at all, honestly. I suppose one is nature and one is making a choice, but that made no difference in how it made me feel when she said it. It felt a lot like she was telling me to kill my baby. So maybe to others the words don't create the same feelings. But, IMO, it is quite similar. I was comparing the two because I thought I could empathize. I'm not sure if you meant to downplay what was said to me as if it were no big deal, but that is absolutely how it came across. It didn't feel like no big deal to me at the time. Which is probably why I thought I could empathize. So, excuse me, I guess.
oh no no MRGN, please don't feel bad about what we are saying. you can empathize totally. same way you see that DB's mom may have said that out of fear, is like how i see her saying she hopes the baby dies rather than abort different. like i said before I DON'T THINK ANYONE SHOULD TELL SOMEONE TO GET AN ABORTION i think its horrible and wrong to even suggest that to someone, its out of line, and i can imagine how you feel. but IMO i see telling someone to get an abortion is said more out of fear for an unexpected pregnancy, and i think telling someone 'i hope you baby dies' is said out of hatred. you know? i'm trying to say it how i see, but i don't think i am doing it very well. but the last thing i want is for you to feel upset! I DO think you can feel how i feel by your IL saying that to you. but i also feel the two things are BOTH horrible and BOTH unnessecary but also said out of different feelings. i'm sorry if you were offended. us single mom's on here need the support not to feel put down by each other.