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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
My Daughter (long)
What Mother's Day means for me...
My daughter, Hannah, was born just before I turned 25. That was twelve years ago. I was young, still finishing university, single, and scared. Her father and I were only briefly involved (before I learned what a jerk he was and dumped him) and only later (about two months) did I discover that I was pregnant. I saw no reason for us to reconcile, and chose to head into parenting alone. He dropped in from time to time, but never really took an active role - nor has he ever paid child support.
I spent nearly ten years as a single mom before meeting Rohan. Between being busy with her and working hard to forward my career I just didn't have a lot of time for dating. I was also quite content on my own, and had all the love of Hannah - who needs more?
I always wanted a sibling for her though. I felt as if I was doing her an injustice by not letting her have those childhood memories of getting into mischief with your siblings, or playing on the beach. She's got a couple good girlfriends that she has grown up with (my friend's girls, also both single children) and so has had that relationship - but it's not the same. By the time she turned ten I realized and came to terms with the thought that she will never have that sort of sibling relationship, even if one were to come along now.
By the time I had met DH I had resigned myself to the idea of never having anymore children. Again, I was initially content with that idea. I will always feel lucky to be Hannah's Mom, and that is so special in itself. Soon after meeting DH I realized how amazing he is with everyone's children - all his friends, my friends, and of course with Hannah. He's the father she never had, and she adores him. They have a very sweet relationship - she confides in him things she sometimes doesn't tell me, asks him to teach her things, and shoot hoops together. We had only been dating a short time when I said to him that he deserved to be a father, he should be a father.
Here we are a couple years later, we tried to conceive for nearly six months, and were so excited when we got our BFP. We told Hannah right away. She was probably more excited than both of us together - finally she was going to be a big sister. In spite of what was going to be a 13 year age gap, she was quite determined to have a special bond with her new sibling. She was hoping for a girl, a little sister to dress up and play house with. She was our nursery decorator and baby clothing fashion designer. She chose the paint color for the nursery, and wanted to come to every ultrasound.
What amazed me most about Hannah during my pregnancy was how understanding she was, and considerate of how I was feeling. She was always asking me how I was doing, and admiring the small bump growing on my belly. She went through old photos of my pregnancy with her and marveled that the same changes were taking place again. When we reached the milestone when the baby can (possibly) hear she started playing the piano to my belly, and made plans to learn as many lullaby and baby songs as she could so that she could play them when she baby sister or brother arrived.
I had explained to Hannah early on about miscarriage, and why people often don't tell everyone right away (she wanted to tell everyone at school the next day). She was somewhat horrified, but I smoothed it over by saying an m/c was unlikely - "statistics are on our side" I foolishly said.
When we lost the baby Hannah was devastated and confused. Rohan and I both reassured her that someday she would get her little brother or sister, we just had to wait a little longer....but I think the whole experience really spooked her. She was amazingly compassionate to me. I was a mess, and barely left bed for days following the D&C. I ached, cried all the time, had no appetite....Poor Hannah didn't know what to think. She made me get well cards and 'I love you' cards and left them on the bed beside me (which was so incredible I cry writing about it).
I was so proud to be pregnant with Rohan's baby. Right from the start it was a completely different experience than with Hannah. To actually try to conceive, and to create a new human with someone you love so deeply was so wonderful. There was no fear or worry - we are financially secure, with great careers, home, space, love...I could just kick back and enjoy this pregnancy - and enjoy Hannah being a part of it. I still can't believe it's over.
So, as Mother's Day approaches I think about the absolutely incredible joy that Hannah has brought to me for nearly 13 glorious years, my gratefulness for her health and wellness, and how lucky I really am. She definitely helps me maintain some perspective.
I wish you all a special day on Sunday ~ mothers of ?Angels? and babies and children of all ages. (((HUGS))) to you all.
BFP #1 Valentine's Day BFP! February 14th 2010
Missed M/C 11w5d ~ forever in our hearts.
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My Daughter (long)
I am sorry for your loss.
I don't mean this to be as biitchy as it's probably going to sound, but reading about the joy your daughter has brought you for 13 years isn't really what I want two days before my first Mother's Day after my four day old daughter died.
I'm very sorry. ~and I am so very sorry for your loss. I was worried that by posting this, some who have had losses wouldn't want to hear about a remotely happy Mother's Day. I didn't mean for it to hurt anyone.
My loss has been very difficult, and it's changed how I think about the day. Before now I had never thought of it as anything but celebratory. Now it's become a hurdle and a sad reminder. This post was just to show some hope, and perspective.
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
I can certainly understand how your perspective has changed, and I don't think I will ever look at Mother's Day again, even after I have more (hopefully healthy) children. It's not that I don't want to hear about a happy Mother's Day, because I hope that's what all mothers have, but it wasn't what I was expecting to read when checking in on a loss board.
I feel like I tyoed this myself. Our stories are VERY similar. My daughter is 10 and we have had to tell her twice about her little brother or sister going to heaven. I feel sometimes as if it's crushing her and my husband more, who doesn't have children of his own. I want this so bad for us, but every day I tell myself that the lord will give us all a new baby to love and spoil.
Thanks for sharing your story. {{{hug}}}}
This. I am also sorry for your loss but this post just made me more depressed about the fact that I don't have another child at home to be grateful for like you. I don't mean to be rude, it's just a sensitive weekend.
BFP 1 4/2010 M/C 5/1/2010 8w2d EDD 12/10/10 BFP 2 5/5/2011 C/P?? 5/14/2011 5w2d EDD 01/12/12 BFP 3 3/12/2012 EDD 11/23/12 Ultrasound 4/11/12 H/B 160bpm! It's a GIRL!
I appreciate your post and teared up reading about your life and loss. I think it is all about perspective and that changes daily for me. I am the mom of a beautiful,healthy 4y.o. and also the mom of 6 angels. Each loss has been so different and has completely changed me.We experienced 5 losses in a row...so many holidays feeling down and out. Despite having one healthy child, I'm still grieving the loss of my angels...most recently 4/25-my husband's bday,nonetheless.
I hope others who read this do see the hopeful perspective...it would have been difficult for me several years ago. On Sunday, I will say a special prayer for all the moms of angels and IF couples.
Happy Mother's DAy..