What do you say when....

bgarson · May 2010

What do you say when someone asks you if you have children? I am sure this topic has come up before on this board, but I am really struggling with it. I was getting a pedicure the other day and was asked if I had children. Victoria was our first baby and I very much so consider her my child. I carried her for 22 weeks, delivered her, and buried her. However, when someone asks me, it's not just an easy "yes." What do you say?

DRN8302 · May 2010

I'm sorry for your loss. My losses were all first tri, so.... it depends. When I had no living children, I would sometimes just say "no" and sometimes I would say "not yet, we've had 2 miscarriages" and sometimes I would even say "we have 2 angel babies in heaven". After having my daughter, and suffering 3 more losses, we are getting the "are you going to have more kids soon?" I so badly want to say "well, it's not for lack of trying- I've been pregnant 3 times since having her." But I'm sure people don't want to hear that. If it's someone I'm semi-close with, I divulge. When asked if she's my only one, "I say, yep, the only one here" which I'm sure confuses people, but I fully believe I have 6 children, with 1 here.

I don't know if that was a good answer.

CashewsMommy · May 2010

I've been struggling with this thought. I really have never been asked this before a few months ago when I started a new job (temp job). I didn't want them to know I was pregnant, not yet, (thanks to being overweight you couldn't really tell i was pregnant), so I told them I had a step-son.

Today, If I were asked that I'd probably tell them that I have a step-son and a daughter that we lost. I don't care if it makes them uncomfortable, she was my beautiful daughter and i'm not comfortable pushing her aside to make others feel comfortable.

DRN8302 · May 2010

CashewsMommy:

I've been struggling with this thought. I really have never been asked this before a few months ago when I started a new job (temp job). I didn't want them to know I was pregnant, not yet, (thanks to being overweight you couldn't really tell i was pregnant), so I told them I had a step-son.

Today, If I were asked that I'd probably tell them that I have a step-son and a daughter that we lost. I don't care if it makes them uncomfortable, she was my beautiful daughter and i'm not comfortable pushing her aside to make others feel comfortable.

Yes

millejj1 · May 2010

My m/c was early so I never had a live child. When I get asked about kids I usually just say we haven't gotten there yet. Then I don't have to put out there about my m/c and I feel like I'm not saying we haven't started either. If they push I'll tell them I have had a m/c, but most people are happy with that.

jerriesgirl · May 2010

No on has asked lately but I suspect I will acknowledge Jillian. I think familiarity with people will also come into play.

Sunflower730 · May 2010

It depends on what your comfortable with.

I have been asked and I came out and said yes we had twins, but we lost them to early but I still consider them my children as I carried them to almost 24 weeks.

greenclown · May 2010

"I have a daughter who passed away" is my answer.

twinkletoes815 · May 2010

ditto GC.

nina&matt · May 2010

"Yes, we had a daughter but she died at birth." Has been my answer.. Followed by the akward "aww what happened?" And I usually respond "she was just born too soon." And leave it at that..

magdalina.h · May 2010

I say yes, I have a son who passed away. I would rather make them uncomfortable then to deny him

Izabella22 · May 2010

I actually got this question yesterday and while it was tough, we didn't tell more than a few people about the pg and I'm not prepared to answer questions or be open about the m/c at this point so I go with my standard "Right now, only the 4-legged kind" - its just easier for me. If someone pushed (which is bound to happen at some point) I will probably say that I had a m/c.

*Chicken* · May 2010

Both my losses were in the early first tri so I might tell them that I've had a couple m/c. However, I hate when people feel sorry for me and that's usually the first emotion that comes out of people when told something like this ('oh you poor thing') so a lot of times I'll say no.

With a late loss I would probably say yes but we lost her/him. I'm going to guess that at that point people would not ask a ton of questions unless the person is extremely nosey or you've been getting pedicures from her for a long time where she might feel comfortable being nosey..

Buckets of Moonbeams · May 2010

I say two. I say we have a wonderful daughter and a son in heaven. If you say it matter of factly, people don't pity you much beyond a simple I'm so sorry. Like you, I carried Max for 22 weeks, I delivered him, I held him and loved him like a mother loves her child, and we had him baptized and cremated and his ashes are sitting on our dresser. He was my son and he will always count to me.

SmallestWilk · May 2010

magdalina.h:
I say yes, I have a son who passed away. I would rather make them uncomfortable then to deny him

I feel the same. I was asked by a stranger on a plane. I said, "We actually lost one." I know that's probably a bit dramatic but it felt good to say it.

bgarson · May 2010

Thanks for all your responses. I have decided that I am going to say that I do have a daughter who passed away. Not to get pity and your right, who cares if they are uncomfortable. She is my daughter, my first daughter, and I love her more than I ever imagined I could.

tiffanysbride · May 2010

I think we will probably say we have a son and another son that passed away. We named and buried him, I can't pretend like we don't have 2 children.

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