I'm getting tired of making so much effort with MIL

mlc92404 · May 2010

This got long....if you make it through, thank you for listening to (reading) my vent.

DH is an only child and MIL was never married and DH father was never in the picture (just some back info)

So fast forward to us getting engaged...MIL never acted happy, never said congrats to me (and I'm pretty sure not to DH either) and wasn't going to come to our wedding "because she wouldn't look as nice as my mom" (MIL is short and VERY overweight and doesn't dress real nice because of it). Fast forward to getting pg with DS. Never heard an I'm happy for you, not when I got pg, not when DS was born.....and she never thought she'd have grandkids because for the longest time DH didnt want kids. So she tells DH that I (meaning me, her DIL) will have all the control over when she sees DS (she lives 45 min away so its not THAT far and I've never been anything but nice and kind to her!) My parents live 5 min away and we are all VERY close (Dh's family isnt that close) so DS sees them a lot and LOVES his 'papa' to death! So MIL gets attitude about DS not knowing who she is, etc. Let me mention too that she NEVER asks to see him, waits for us to invite her and when there are family gatherings she doesnt spend a ton of time with him because she doesn't like that everyone else is there spending time with him. Last week DH calls her and invites her to our BIG u/s (still over a week away....and she did come to DS's) and instead of saying, yes of course I would love to come she says ok, thanks. So no clue if she will be there or not (and she doesn't work....a whole other issue) DH talks to her today and asks if she wants to get together this coming weekend for mothers day (my thought being we could take her to a nice dinner since she doesnt get to go to nice places and then she could come back and spend time with DS) and she says there's nothing she wants to do, she doesn't know what we would do. So to DH that sounded like she wanted some sort of event, activity. We can't do a picnic because it will be too cold. We could have her for dinner but it just sounds like she doesn't care. This woman would never gets gifts/cards from us or calls on her b-day if it wasn't for the effort I put forth.....DH just doesn't care/worry about that kind of stuff. We always try to get her nice stuff since she cant afford it but I'm pretty sure she's sold some of it (got her a digital camera and frame a few years ago and last year for her bday she said she wanted a digital camera UGH GRRRRRRRRRRR and DH wouldn't say anything so we just got her another one) I'm just tired of making all the effort and her not seeming to care one or put forth any effort.

mr&mrswelch · May 2010

dealing with her sounds like quite a chore.

and there is nothing that says you have to continue put put forth as much effort into the relationship, especially if it really is the way you describe it.

delg23 · May 2010

she sounds tough. I say either don't care because your husband doesn't or if you want to try harder you could invite her to your house when other people won't be there. Maybe try inviting her more often for those type of circumstances. She sounds really depressed actually, like she always assumes the worst scenario. I kind of feel sorry for her. Maybe tell your husband you want him to put in more effort too because you want her to have a relationship with your children. I dunno...

mlc92404 · May 2010

delg23:
she sounds tough. I say either don't care because your husband doesn't or if you want to try harder you could invite her to your house when other people won't be there. Maybe try inviting her more often for those type of circumstances. She sounds really depressed actually, like she always assumes the worst scenario. I kind of feel sorry for her. Maybe tell your husband you want him to put in more effort too because you want her to have a relationship with your children. I dunno...

They never had a great relationship growing up, she always tried to be his friend not his mother, let him do whatever whenever he wanted and she worked weird hours a lot so he spent more time with his grandparents. We were inviting her down for stuff....babysit DS or other things and we'd even give her gas money but never heard a thank you or thats not necessary or anything like that. She is very down but wont talk to anyone about it. She wont attend a family gathering if she doesnt get a personal invitation and wasn't going to go to her nephews wedding because "no one cares if I'm there or not". Everything is why me, poor me with her. And because of her health and lack of income (she has a million reasons why she cant do all kinds of different jobs) we will have to pay for her care or to live with us eventually I'm sure.

JhawkCE · May 2010

It sounds like she could be battling depression. That's tough. You can try to get her to go to the Dr. and get checked out, but chances are the only thing you can do is accept her the way she is and try to work around it.

Good Luck.

mlc92404 · May 2010

JhawkCE:
It sounds like she could be battling depression. That's tough. You can try to get her to go to the Dr. and get checked out, but chances are the only thing you can do is accept her the way she is and try to work around it.
Good Luck.

Dr probably is a no go because she doesn't have health insurance....if she does its just medicare and I honestly dont know much about that. She just believes everyone has it better than she does (she even compared DH's income to what the president makes once! he does well but nothing like that)

cybergal5184 · May 2010

She sounds really depressed. She would make more of an effort if she wanted to ... 45 minutes is nothing to drive.

JhawkCE · May 2010

mlc92404:
JhawkCE:
It sounds like she could be battling depression. That's tough. You can try to get her to go to the Dr. and get checked out, but chances are the only thing you can do is accept her the way she is and try to work around it.
Good Luck.
Dr probably is a no go because she doesn't have health insurance....if she does its just medicare and I honestly dont know much about that. She just believes everyone has it better than she does (she even compared DH's income to what the president makes once! he does well but nothing like that)

She can go to her primary care physician on medicare. He/she may be able to help her out or point her in the direction of low cost/medicare help in the area. Maybe you could even ask your own physician if they know of any low income counseling centers. It's a pain, but if it helps in the long run for her to be able to enjoy life and her grandchildren it would be worth it.

mr&mrswelch · May 2010

if she is on medicare, she should be able to get access to some low/no cost counseling. And even if she isn't all major cities are going to have agencies where she can get low cost counseling.

mlc92404 · May 2010

mr&mrswelch:
if she is on medicare, she should be able to get access to some low/no cost counseling. And even if she isn't all major cities are going to have agencies where she can get low cost counseling.

I dont know if she is on it or not, its just an assumption. She has no job, no savings and never had a real good job so anything that is going to cost any money isnt an option. Plus, I'm not sure we could convince her to talk to someone. She'd tell us she will do it and then never will.

delg23 · May 2010

mlc92404:
delg23:
she sounds tough. I say either don't care because your husband doesn't or if you want to try harder you could invite her to your house when other people won't be there. Maybe try inviting her more often for those type of circumstances. She sounds really depressed actually, like she always assumes the worst scenario. I kind of feel sorry for her. Maybe tell your husband you want him to put in more effort too because you want her to have a relationship with your children. I dunno...
They never had a great relationship growing up, she always tried to be his friend not his mother, let him do whatever whenever he wanted and she worked weird hours a lot so he spent more time with his grandparents. We were inviting her down for stuff....babysit DS or other things and we'd even give her gas money but never heard a thank you or thats not necessary or anything like that. She is very down but wont talk to anyone about it. She wont attend a family gathering if she doesnt get a personal invitation and wasn't going to go to her nephews wedding because "no one cares if I'm there or not". Everything is why me, poor me with her. And because of her health and lack of income (she has a million reasons why she cant do all kinds of different jobs) we will have to pay for her care or to live with us eventually I'm sure.

That is really hard. I'm sorry your husband had to deal with having a depressed mother growing up. good luck.I hope it gets better.

mr&mrswelch · May 2010

mlc92404:
mr&mrswelch:
if she is on medicare, she should be able to get access to some low/no cost counseling. And even if she isn't all major cities are going to have agencies where she can get low cost counseling.
I dont know if she is on it or not, its just an assumption. She has no job, no savings and never had a real good job so anything that is going to cost any money isnt an option. Plus, I'm not sure we could convince her to talk to someone. She'd tell us she will do it and then never will.

"Low cost" can mean $1 a session. I am willing to bet she can afford that. And you don't have to convince her, you could just do the research for her and let her know that it is an option.

Or not.

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