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2nd Trimester
MrserinJ
member
I am furious....How would you handle this (NBR and long)
MrserinJ
member
Hi Ladies,
I have posted before about how my mom died about a year ago and how my dad has changed quite dramatically since then. Obviously, I know people grieve differently and I am not pushing him to grieve how I do but he makes me feel totally crazy for still being sad from time to time. He tells me to get over it, that its been a long time and he has removed every trace of her from their house, his life, everything. He remarried again and in general, just doesn't want to talk about her.
Well, right after she died, I was in her email account because she was still getting email from friends and people who didn't know she died. I found all of these old emails she had written to her best friend, just about every day life. About how she loved us, being a mom and being a grandma. I told my dad about these and thought he might want to read them, because I found it very therapeutic. It was like reading her old letters and hearing her talk again. I liked to read them from time to time when I was missing her, especially lately, because I am just so sad that she won't meet this new baby and its so nice to hear about how she loved being a grandma. She talked about my son all the time in those emails. It really helped me through some hard times. My dad knew I did this and that it helped me.
Well, last night, I was alone and feeling sad and missing her. I thought I'd go read some of her words again. I tried to log in and the password was changed. I got confused and since I know her mother's maiden name which was the answer to her secret question to reset her password, I did that. When I logged in, I was completely shocked to see that my dad had deleted 95% of the emails she wrote. I mean permanently, out of the deleted file. He kept a few that talked about him and he even forwarded my sister some nice ones that she wrote about her. But deleted everything to do with me or my son. I kind of panicked. I mean, I don't get why he would do that. We have had our share of problems since Mom has been gone, but I am just so hurt. Those emails were like a link to me and I just wish I would have known he was going to do that so I could have printed some off. The even bigger thing that's nagging me, is WHY would he do that? Its like he is punishing me for holding on to her memory. I don't think it was unhealthy of me. I even told my therapist about it and she thought it was great. I feel like he took that away from me, on purpose. Or he was just being selfish and because he couldn't deal with her memory, decided that we all needed to move on, HIS way.
Another thing that bothers me, is about a year ago (About 3 months after Mom died), I was having a really hard time and my therapist suggested I write her a letter of all the things I wanted to tell her. I decided to just do it in an email to her, obviously knowing she would never get it. It was great and I felt like I got a lot of my feelings out. Well, I looked last night and my dad had deleted (and probably read) that one too. I feel betrayed and I just don't know how to handle this. I've tried to talk to him about how I grieve before and he just tells me that I'm unhealthy holding on to her memory and to let it go and that I need to get over it. He gets mad if I even suggest that he is insensitive to me and just shuts down and won't talk to me. He has moved on no doubt, but our realtionship is so fragile right now, I don't know how another "talk" about real issues would go. He gets so mean to me and has really shut me out of his life so much already, I feel like I"m walking a tightrope and I have to choose between getting answers and just sucking it up so thing boat won't be rocked. I don't know what to do.
If you have made it this far, thank-you. I'm obviously upset and would love some advice or input. My husband is so angry at him that he wants to call him himself. That obviously won't do any good, but I feel like some clear-headed, unbiased advice is needed. Thank- you so much.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I am furious....How would you handle this (NBR and long)
I forgot to mention that I did ask her best friend if she had them. She doesn't. Some are from 3 years ago, before anyone even knew my mom was sick. Its very unfortunate.
I gotta say, I'm really sad for you. Those letters were important to you and were a "line" between you and your mother. It was seriously inconsiderate for him to delete them, especially knowing you still read them from time to time and found them comforting.
I would talk to him (no, I would yell/scream at him) about how much that hurt you. Let him know they comfort you when you are sad and now you don't have that to look upon. Plus, now your child has nothing to remember or remind him of how much his grandmother loved him. That is very devestating.
You grieve in your own way. That was you MOM!!!! Especially since you are pregnant, of course you will be thinking about her often and sad she wont be around for this LO like she was for the last one.
He sounds either super selfish or very inconsiderate. Either he deleted them on purpose to hurt/spite you or he just didn't even consider your feelings when he "got rid of them." Either way, I think you need to confront this. If it rocks the boat?? That's really sad he would give up a relationship with his daughter over your grief for your mothers death.
I am sorry....
Everyone grieves differently, I agree. But there needs to be a mutual respect on how each person needs to grieve. From what you wrote he just wants to forget and move on, maybe because he does not like the hurt that he feels. And obviously you need to remember and review, and him knowing that may hurt as well.
I am not sure you can broach the subject with him again, unless you want to hurt the relatioship even more. Could you even suggest counceling together? Not sure that would help, but it sounds like he may be hurting too and the easiest thing to do is just forget for him, instead of dealing with the emotions.
But then again I do not know him, so I may be totally wrong.
i did read the whole post and i am truly sorry you are dealing with this. it sounds like his approach was to just wipe the slate clean. i doubt he intentionally did it to hurt you, and since it can't be un-done, (unless you contact the provider and can in fact retrieve some of the messages,) I would just let it go, in time, because i would rather have a relationship with my dad than no parents at all.
he remarried so fast and everything, it seems his method is just hurry up on with life. maybe he thought you should, too, and by telling him you were still holding on to the emails, maybe he thought that wasn't positive for you. he had no right to do that, of course, but i doubt it was ill-intentioned. he doesn't seem in touch with his feelings at all. so like i said, i would just drop it with your dad, and focus on ways you can keep your mom's memory alive that don't involve the email, like photos and telling stories about times you shared together. maybe write up something for yourself, recollections of what you read in those emails. that's about all you can do, because you can't un-do what your dad did.
I have asked him to go to family counselling several times with me. He refuses and last time I mentioned it, he actually said "Solve your own problems for once.". I guess that means no.
I know he's hurting too. The sad thing is, is he pretends he's not. Which I respect now, but that doesn't mean that everyone else can do that.
Everyone grieves differently, and it sounds like your Dad is trying to force his own grief processes onto you. I would confront him about it, and be VERY concise in telling him that what he did was wrong and hurtful. Dh and I have a friend who died 8 YEARS ago in Iraq, and we have held on to every letter we ever received from him. Sometimes it is nice, like you said, to re-read those letters and reflect on the things that were said.
I would definitely sit down and talk with him. It sounds like perhaps he is 'convincing' himself that he's moving forward with his life, but perhaps he really isn't. To me (mind you, I'm not a psychologist) I would almost consider the things he has done up to this point to be premature in his grief process, like he is trying to fill the void left by your Mother to avoid confronting the loss head-on.
What really upsets me about your story is not only did he delete the emails specifically about you and your son but he also changed the password. I think this is very sneaky and devious and just not right! I'm sorry that he isn't more understanding or supportive of your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling and you may want to limit the time you spend around others who don't validate your feelings. I'd take a little break from dear old dad to gather yourself and then if you feel comfortable try talking to him about it. But obviously you two are in two different places right now.
I hope things get better for you!!!
My grandfather died rather young. He was only in his 50s at the time, and I was still a very small child. I know my aunt was livid because my grandmother collected all of his clothing and gave them to charity before the funeral even happened. Over the next year she threw away, boxed up and put into storage, or gave away pretty much everything that was his. She even took down pictures of him and removed them from photo albums.
I know that all sounds horrible, but I found out later that that was the only way that she could cope with it all. She couldn't deal with seeing anything of his, or she would break down. As I've gotten older and have seen more relatives die, it seems almost commonplace. Your father being male, might not have gotten over it as you think, but because he doesn't want to seem weak, has to have all the reminders of your mother gone so he doesn't have to think about it.
This is one of my coping mechanisms as well. If you can learn to pretend that it's ok, and you're not reminded of it, it does seem OK. As soon as you see something that reminds you of it, it doesn't seem as OK anymore, and you sometimes break harder. He might not want you to remind him so he doesn't have to think about it. Or he might just be an insensitive jerk, either or.
I tried going to the trash folder. He deleted them permanently out of there too. I am so confused as to why he kept certain emails about him and my sister too, but not others. I don't get it. That's why it seems deliberate to me. If it wasn't, why would he take the time to send my sister nice ones about her? Obviously he read every single one and chose the ones to keep. It just wasn't his decision to make. And if he wanted to get rid of her account to "clean the slate", so to speak, I just wish he would have told me first so I would have had the opportunity to print some of them off for myself. I just don't even know who he is anymore...
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose your mom. My mom died when I was 13 and I still miss her. I honesly don't know if you ever get over loosing someone that you love so much. I think what your dad did was horrible. I know that it is hard, but you have the words that your mom wrote in your heart. You don't always have to read them to know how much she loved you and your son. Try to remember that and stay strong. I know that can be easier said than done.
Aw hunny I am so sorry! It's so hard to lose a loved one. let alone a parent! It seems to me that your dad doesn't appreciate your feelings very much! I think he needs to really realize that people grieve differently and he needs to respect that. Maybe sitting down and telling him how hurt you were that he did this to you and how you would appreciate him letting you grieve the way you need to.
Hi,
I am so sorry this happened. It is true that everyone grieves differently, but your father should in no way force his way onto you.
Regarding the emails, you might try and see if you can find a company that recovers things from hard drives, if you really want to get them back. My computer completely crashed one time, and we lost a bunch of congratulatory emails from when our son was born. I was crushed, because I was saving them for him. We did find a company to recover ALL of them, however, which was such a blessing! I will tell you that it is NOT cheap at all, but it was just worth it to me.
Good luck, and I am sorry about your Mom passing away.
I am so sorry. I'm glad you are taking healthy, active measures to grieve your mother's loss. I've read a few other posts you've made, I think your dad is the one who just remarried right? And didn't want anyone from the life he shared with your mom at the wedding? It sounds like your mother's loss was too much for him to bear, and he's manifested his energy elsewhere. Unfortunately, at your expense.
While this may be an unpopular opinion, I think you may need to distance your relationship with your father (more than it already is). You should not be out through this kind if stress while pregnant. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; maybe your dad will realize what he is missing out on (his relationship with you).
I am so sorry. I don't know how to handle this but my heart just breaks for you. I wish you could get the e-mails back and your dad would understand. I truly hope he did not do this on purpose. Can you speak to your sister? I don't think there is anything you can do about your dad's attitude other than to not look to him at all for support with your grief. It's so unfair you can't lean on your dad and I am sorry you aren't getting a better deal. I wish I could give you the e-mails back.
I'm so sorry for you loss and for how your father is acting... that must make things so much harder for you.
When my friend's mother died she found a lot of peace and support on a Yahoo message board called Motherless Daughters. I think she even still communicates with a woman from that board.
Good luck, I hope things get better.
I didn't read the other responses, so I apologize if any of this is repetitive.
I would be very upset if I were in your situation. I think it is totally reasonable to tell your dad that you were hurt by his actions, and just like you don't tell him how to grieve, it is not appropriate for him to tell you how to grieve.
I would also try to contact the email provider and see if there is anyway they can recover the emails. Or if you ever accessed the email account on your own computer, you might be able to take your computer in and get access to the emails. Or ask her friend if she still has the emails? I know I keep all personal emails I get from my friends.
Another thing I want to say is that you have always been very clear and articulate when you write about this issue, so know that you are a very good communicator. Try to bring that knowledge to your interactions with your dad.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. Best of luck to you, I hope you find some resolution soon.
have you talked to your sister about it ? I would definitly talk to your dad about it , it really seems like he went and made sure he got of the letters that were about you, why would he even bother to change the password,
my other mabey adding drama , could it possibly have been his new wife that did it? I really hope not but you never know. so sorry you are going through this hard time with your own dad.
Just an update. I spoke with my dad and he said he had no idea that I still looked at those emails and that he was sorry. I really don't believe him and I have no idea how he couldn't have known, but what can I do. Him apologizing is a huge step, even if it isn't sincere. Usually he just gets mad and won't respond. I don't know what is going through his head or what he is trying to do, but its really my word against his now. Its not going to go anywhere good if I argue that he knew and he argues that he didn't.
I think the pp's who said I should distance myself are right. I just can't take this heartache anymore. I wouldn't be dramatic about it or even tell him, I'll just slowly let things "drift" a bit. Its just not worth the constant battles. Maybe he can take this time to work things out for himself and figure out how he can best deal with his loss.
I contacted Mom's best friend again and she says that she will send me whatever she has that Mom wrote about my son and us kids, etc. I am so thankful for that. I'm not sure they will be the older ones in Mom's email account, but it makes the blow a little less.
I have tried to talk to my sister, but she really is reacting the same as my dad. She has a hard time talking about things and her reaction everytime is "I don't care". She has a self defence thing, where she thinks if she doesn't get close, nothing will hurt. I guess I can understand that. Unfortunately, we have all gone separate directions and it hasn't helped with the whole grieving process.
Anyways, I just wanted to thank you all again and give you and update. I really do appreciate all of your sincere comments. They really do help.
Have a great weekend, Everyone.