Bartering for visitation... (very long)
Erin0922
member
Alrighty, for those of you that remember the backstory... our CO is nuts (we are supposed to get SS EOW... even though we live 1200 miles away. Hmmm) and BM is usually pretty good about letting us get SS when its convenient for us (May-Aug, and one week in Dec).
Well, she let P come up for Drew's birth, he was here for 3 weeks. But he stayed with my parents, since we were obviously in the hospital that whole time. We got to spend the 2 days before I went into labor with him. Now, she only even let P come because we agreed to buy all his summer clothes (to free up CS for whatever else she wanted to use it on). Fine, whatever.
Now, she is saying that we can't have him for the whole summer, because its not fair that she and her BF won't be able to do summer-y things with SS. Selfishly, I want to say "well we can't do fall/winter/springy things" but I won't.
Now here's the fun part. DH and I just moved last week. BM texted me, and asked if we had one of her boxes. I said I didn't know, but if I found anything of hers, I'd send it to her. Sure enough, I found a box in the bottom of the closet with tons of expensive scrapbooking gadgets, along with photo albums from HS, etc. DH grabbed the box and went to chuck it down the trash chute, and we literally had a battle royale where I insisted on sending BM her stuff. DH got so mad that I was willing to help her, he didn't speak to me for like, 3 hours. This is on top of willingly shipping her our xbox/playstation and all the games a few months ago (don't worry, DH kept the 360, lol).
So. I want to say: "Look, I understand you want summer time with SS, and thats fair. How about we take him June 7th-July31st. This way he is with you Mother's Day and your birthday [we had him last year] and all of August, but we will have him Father's Day, and our ONE week we planned a beach vacation [end of July]."
If she says no, I will feel the need to point out that it is reasonable, fair, AND I have gone out of my way for her on more than one occassion since DH and I have been married, and I have asked NOTHING in return. Oh, and that she keeps saying how she wants Drew and P to grow up close, but that can't happen if we can't see P.
So, I am really hoping she goes for it. If not, I am hoping I can guilt her into it (lol, I kid - sorta). And before anyone asks, we realize our CO is nuts, we are saving for a lawyer to have it rewritten. AND, before anyone says this: we can't go to him right now with Drew's medical situation, which is why we need him brought to us. And, the longer we have him, the cheaper the tix (One for DH to go there to retrieve him, 2 tix back here, 2 back there to drop off, and DH's ticket home. EXPENSIVE, since SS can't fly alone).
So anyways, wish us luck! And, if you have any ideas, let me know 
And, if you made it this far.... x's and o's!
Re: Bartering for visitation... (very long)
He's done it before, and he is fine. In fact, he never even wants to talk to her on the phone when he's with us and always screams when its time to go back (not a relfection on her by any means, but he know that when he's with Mommy he doesn't see Daddy).
You're right, I wouldn't want Drew away from me for 2 months. But god forbid DH and I split... I would deal with it, because he would need to see his Daddy too.
AND, fwiw, thats not her justification. If it was, it would make more sense.
but months and months and months without his father is cool right?
I don't understand people who think that time without one parent is fine, but without the other it's the end of the damn world. I can see where it's warranted in certain situations... but in this one. No.
Erin: I like the way you think. lol
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Please tell me HOW they are to parent then? I really am not trying to be snarky, but the dichotomy and/or hypocrasy her is just plain wrong.
How are the non custodial parent to ever PARENT if you force a situation that does not allow them too?
Erin- I think your offer is more than reasonable and I hope she goes for it.
To everyone else- Of course the CP is different than the NCP. You parent differently when you have your kid 1 month a year versus the other 11. It doesn't make the NCP less of a parent, just a different parent.
In our house, we don't say that DS is "visiting" his dad, we just say that it's his time to be with daddy. Nothing more, nothing less. The time is what the NCP makes of it... which in our case isn't much..
When we split and DS was 18 months, my pediatrician, my lawyer, and the judge agreed that my ex's 6-week summer visitation (written out in the CO) had to be split into blocks of 2 weeks at a time until DS was 5. The ex has never taken his summer visitation, so it's a nonissue. But whether the CP is the mom or the dad, months at a time is a long time to be away from the home the child is most used to.
I'm not going to get started on how unfair it is the way dad's seem to get the short end of the stick alot. If I start, I might not stop! LOL!
So to your post, I think your offer is more than fair. I understand where the BM is coming from sorta...I mean SS isn't in school, so all those months she has him (fall, winter, spring) she has him all the time. It would be different if he was in school and all those days were spent with him being gone the entire day. Your offer is totally fair, you guys deserve to have him for some extended time in the summer since you don't get to see him much during the rest of the year. I really hope she'll be more cooperative on this. (would it be wrong to trade her her box of scrapbook stuff for time with SS this summer? LOL) Since you mentioned you are working on getting a lawyer, start documenting all these things now if you aren't already. There is no reason she can't be flexible and give you some time with SS this summer.
I think your plan is more than reasonable. Especially since you anticipate the entire year with the expectations that you'll have him for the entire summer.
I hope the new CO will be realistic to your current living arrangements.
THIS. WORD FOR WORD.
AGREE
This. Had DH & BM been married and then divorced, DH would most likely have had joint custody... Because they werent, the BM automatically got full physical and full legal (in Mass. this is anyways)
I don't think it is too long, he has a strong clear bond with his dad and that is why he will be away from BM --to be with dad. The fact is his being away from dad for such long periods is also not a great thing. But with distance and such it is an unfortunate truth in a lot of blended families. It is important his relationship with his father, because of the distance, is supported as much as possible. A relationship with both parents is equally important. Granted I'm not sure how old your SS is but am assuming he is over the age of 3 (the age at which psychiatrist generally agree the bond with the parents is permanent).
I think the offer for the summer is completely reasonable. We have a similar situation my SS (6yo) is almost 1800 miles away and the CO technically calls for 1 weekend a month but with travel time it isn't feasible. We get 42-45 days over the summer. Plus alternating holiday in the winter (8 days at a time). We are also waiting to go back to court to try to work out a floating week during the year instead of the weekly visits.
Good luck!
Well Erinn, we actually pay those outrageous flights , for 4 years now. It costs us about 5k a year to see SD, 9 roundtrip flight tickets. DH's CO was written so that if he lived within a certain mileage he got x visitation, and if outside it he got y. THat works great because BM moved so it was already set and he didn't have to go to court. Then if we ever manage to pin her down, and move to where she is, that is set too. I'd look into doing that.
Also since she was moving DH's CS was adjusted to take into the fact he'd be paying for all those flights. At the time they probably figured it'd be about 2-3k a year, but flights have jumped in price over the years so even though DH makes more now, it wasn't adjusted due to the rising cost of travel. DH is responsible for all flying, but I have done it in hte past for him. It's looking like SD can't fly alone until she is 10 since there are no direct flights to where she is.