Bawled my eyes out after putting them down tonite. — The Bump

Bawled my eyes out after putting them down tonite.

I know I'm sleep deprived heading into the home stretch of this semester.

I know I'll feel better later.

But right now I'm just sad and need to get it out.

Jace barely fits in my lap for bedtime cuddles in the rocking chair.  I'm sure when we transition him to a big boy bed the rocking chair of songs and snuggles will come to an end.  

He's my last.  And not by choice.  And it's crushing me right now that I should be either tending to a 1 month old or half way thru another pregnancy but I'm not.  Our baby days are over and out toddler days are nearing an end too.  It's all gone by way too fast.

Then I went to Dylan's room for some snuggles and he started telling me that his BFF has to give up her blankie at her 4th birthday.  I asked if he wanted to give up puppy (lovie) and he said Yep!

Then he handed me puppy and said "let's start tonight".  I asked if he wanted puppy to sleep with me tonite and he replied a simple "yes!"

I snuggled on puppy for a minute and then got up to go (calling his bluff and praying he didn't see the tears streaming silently down my face).  He wanted puppy back.

And I got to keep him as my little boy for at least a bit longer.

That puppy blankie used to be longer than him.  There's never been a day in his life (since coming home from the hospital) that puppy didn't spend at least a little bit of time cuddled next to his warm body either nursing or sleeping.  

The logical part of me wants them to grow up and develop into amazing individuals.

The selfish part of me wants them to stay small and need Mamma snuggles and lovies for ever.   

Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.

Re: Bawled my eyes out after putting them down tonite.

  • :(

    That's really tough. I'm so sorry.

    <a href="" title="Getting Pregnant"><img src="" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>

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  • i am sorry mama (((hugs)))  it is so hard to have your babies grow up, the mom in us wants them to stay little and cuddly forever.

    but think about all the amazing things they have ahead of them, they will still both need their mama - just for different things.

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  • Awww!! Thanks a lot, now you have me all sad!! My baby is going to be ONE tomorrow, and she is our last also. : (
  • I'm not nearly as eloquent as you but this is exactly what we are going through with our 3 3/4 year old.  Beautiful and sad... this post really touched me! 

    eclaire 9.10.06  diggy 6.2.11

  • Make me cry, why don't you? That's so sweet and well put. They grow up too fast.
  • i'm feeling this because P is about to be three.  Where did my baby go?
  • Oh boy, do I feel ya on this one!  I'm sure we all do.

    A few weeks ago I ended up rocking DS after he had woken up in the middle of the night because he had peed in the bed.  He was so upset, so I rocked him.  Well, I ended up bawling during and after rocking him.  I was just looking at his sleeping face, at how big he was, and trying hard to remember what it was like when I rocked him as an infant.

    I came downstairs in near hysterics and scared DH.  Then I blurted out, "That might be the last time I ever get to rock him like that!"  He's such a big boy and not a baby anymore.

    Gah!  Now I'm getting all upset about it again.  LOL!

    While I know the "baby" time is over, I know there are lots of fun times ahead.  :)

  • Shell, you're an *incredible* mom.  They will always need hugs from you.  Always.  Those hugs will look a little different when they are wonderful full grown men, but they'll still happen.


    As for the miscarriages?  I *hate* that you went through them.  Hate hate hate.  :(    The world really could have used 2 more little howleyshells.  You make great kids.  Hugs.


    Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers
    Lilypie - (C6hS)

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