Let's be honest
Phantomgirl
member
On the way home last night SS and I (me and SS???) were chatting about an upcoming play he has. SS was talking about the last one he did and asked me if I remembered. I did not because BM forgot to tell us about the last play until the night of it and I was 2 hrs away at the time. (This is an activity he does with BM outside of school). So I reminded him that I was not there but that his dad was and he replied, matter of factly and totally intending to make me feel better about not being there, ?well it doesn?t matter as long as dad was there sure you only have to go cause you?re his girlfriend?. I of course told him I went because I wanted to and I was proud of him and so on.
BUT this got me thinking? I have a great relationship with my SS and spend a lot of one on one time with him. I called BM yesterday to ask about the sleepover and she said ?no problem I?m sure he won?t care who?s there as long as you are? and laughed. She then asked me if I could pick him up early this weekend as she is working. So? out of all the SMs who claim to be there skids mothers and have equal say? do skids WANT another mother? In some cases YES they not only want one they need one (J&A, Lucky and other custodial) BUT research suggests that the majority of skids do not see their SM as a ?mother? figure (non custodial with active BM). You cannot deny the biological bond a parent feels to their child AND the bond a child feels to their bio parent.
SS is clearly my Fi and BMs son, he knows it, I know it, BM and Fi know it. So why am I flamed for calling him ?his son?. Why am I considered a ?bad stepmother? for acknowledging the fact he is not mine? Why am I under pressure to be his mother and love him like he is my own when he is clearly not?
What is so wrong with simply being a loving caring step parent?
Re: Let's be honest
how funny, SS tried to "help" and thereby provokes neurosis...been there.Know what you mean Phantom. There's definitely a mixed message sometimes, e.g. to love them like your own and put their needs first and be selfless in all things reasonable but remember....you're not the mom. Have a little BFTIP now that makes me acutely aware of this.
I don't know that it's that children don't need another mom but when their mom is actively involved, they don't need you to fill that particular role. As an adopted child who at 25, gained a biological mother, I'm aware of that firsthand and have had uncomfortable conversations with my new parent who has conveniently attempted to pretend that I had not been in fact adopted, by bragging about "my daughter"....arghh.
My SD definitely has an involved mother who is truly her "mommy" and doesn't want another but conversely, wants to be "mine" as well, maybe it helps her to define our relationship more clearly or resolves her insecurities about how I might feel about her. Since I'm an adult family member whom she sees about as often as she sees DH, she wants to be loved and wanted by me.
Thanks to talks with SD, I learned: she didn't want to be referred to as my friend, yes, I did have children, and two weeks ago when attempting to explain DNA while watching a Discovery Channel program, I explained how should a sample of her DNA be tested, it would explain that she came from Mommy and Daddy. Her response..."You too, right, at least a little bit you?" Since no one's ready for that conversation "Uh-huh, sure".
Personally, I think a lot is lost in typing on here. I think much of the "my kids" "his kids" stuff is in the context and tone you use it and for what reason you're differentiating.
For example, there are some decisions that BM and DH need to make together about their kids. I wouldn't have married DH if he and I weren't on the same page parenting-wise because I knew his kids were part of the package. In no way does that differentiation make me "claim" them any less.
Another example I think I've given before is the kids driving with my MIL. It is not my place to make the decision for either my DH or BM to deny my MIL the privilege to drive their kids. I don't agree with it and I voiced my opinion on it, but the action is not taking place in my house, so it is not a decision for me to make. I have, however, already told DH that I will absolutely not allow MIL to drive our daughter. He got snippy with me and said, "But it's okay for her to drive *my* kids?" I calmly told him, "No. It's not, in my opinion and I've expressed that to you, but you've not chosen to act on it." In that case, it isn't that I love or care about my SKs any more or less than my DD. It's that they are not *mine* to make the decision about.
What is so wrong with simply being a loving caring step parent?
I don't think there is anything wrong with it! I am not my stepson's mom. They don't need or want another mom. I love them and care about them and am perfectly happy being another adult in their lives who loves them, but I am not their mother.
Are you reading StepMonster???
I've been reading the book and it makes me think about a lot of things. My SS and I have a great relationship (which seems to be rare in the book), but I'm reading the book thinking, "would he care if I was gone?, would he notice if I wasn't at the baseball game?" "Is he going to want me to be in his life when he is an adult?" "What is he going to tell his wife about me?"
I know all of these thoughts are crazy - especially since he is only 7 - but the book has me thinking. But - i like the book!
1st off, you were right the 1st time its "SS and I".
2nd, I think you're right. Prior to DH getting custody, I think they looked at me as kind of like a cool aunt. Not in a creepy eww dad is sleeping with a sibling kinda way, but you know...we all that cool aunt or cool older family friend who we called aunt but really wasn't.
I think in some cases-even non-custodial, there can be situations where a child does need another mother figure but I would bet that 99% of the time, they don't. If there is neglect or abuse at the mom's house then yes, they need that positive mother figure...otherwise, no.
I found it interesting that in court this week BM said that they call me mom. She would have no idea if they did or didn't, I have never said that they do. This question got me wondering...so I'm going to avoid hijacking your post and post my own.
I am. I am not thinking any of those things you listed although I am likely to consider them now lol. I'm just getting from it that it is OK not to be his mom.
I think those questions cross every SM/BM's mind.
Have you ever seen the movie Stepmom (Susan Sarandon, Julia Roberts)? These questions remind me of a scene where they are discussing the future and events like the daughter's wedding. BM is dying. The stepmom(Julia) confesses that her greatest fear is that on the daughter's wedding day, the daughter will only be able to think "I wish my mom was here" and BM responds that her greatest fear is that the daughter won't be thinking that.
My position is the same as I have voiced many times on this board. A stepmother is a mother, just by marriage and not by blood. Yes, there is something special about being a bioparent, but it seems like sometimes that the BM is made a deity whose role cannot be compared to a SM. I think that's BS. Love is Love. It doesn't matter if it's from BM or SM. Kids respond to love and love and trust those who care for them.
There are several cultures where the title "mother" is bestowed on all female relatives. My tribe is one of them. All aunts are called "mother" and if your sister has a child, you call her your daughter. When someone asks how many children you have, you include your nieces and nephews.
Sorry If I made you even crazier. It's just that I had a step-Mom for 20 years, and now that my Dad is divorcing her, I don't speak to her anymore, and I wonder - did she expect that? Did she think there was more to her relationship with me than my father?
I think it is different with my SS though. I think he genuinely loves me and although I am not his BM, I am his parent. And he has always made me feel this way, so I should just enjoy my kids and keep living my happy life!
On another note - what do you think of the book. I keep reading excerpts to my DH.
I would never flame you for saying 'his son', as I say that sometimes too. My SS is not mine biologically. My husband absolutely flips when I call SS 'his son'. He says, "he is ours". But, I understand where he is coming from, he doesn't want me to treat SS any differently than I would treat my DS. I try not to, but there are some cases where it is not my opinion that matters but BM's. She is an active role in SS's life as we share custody 50/50. This makes it hard for me to think of him as "our son". My DH does not undertsand that and I don't think he ever will.
I love my SS and I would do anything for him, but I think I know my role. I am here for him when he needs me. I am here to show him what a stable family should look like (BM never stays in the same place for more than 2 months and has had many many many live-in boyfriends over the past 2 1/2 years). But it is not my place to say she doesn't deserve to be a mom to SS, because I know she is a good mom to him. He doesn't need another mom, but he can always use more good adult role modles that care for him and love him.
No flames here.
I think people get too caught up with stuff that doesn't matter.
Love your stepkids and treat them well, that's what matters. Depending on the age of the children and the time spent with them, you may or may not act in a parenting role. I have been a part of SS life since he was in kindergarten. He's with us 4 days a week, so I do take on a parenting role in the house. This does not mean that I think I am his mother, I am acting like his mother, or that he views me as his mother. He knows who his mom is. I help take care of him and he has to mind me. Parents love even their biokids a little differently, they have different bonds and relationships because they are different people and it doesn't detract from the amount they love them. Its ok not to stress over loving your stepkids differently.
Oh yeah and if you called your SS "my son" you would get flamed for that too. Sometimes you are damned if you do and damned if you don't as a SM.
I really likethe book. I admit that my BF is nowhere near as dysfunctional as some ofthe ones she interviewed. But I love the way the book is factuallypresented. Also it confirms how I have felt all along. I love my SSbut I am not his mother. Sometimes this board can make you feel like youare wrong to think like that. BUT all the research backs it up and letsyou know that not only is it ok it is normal.
Actually I alsohave a SM for the past 12 years and I think that if she and my father divorcedwe would not stay in contact. BUT I was older when she came on the sceneso we never really 'blended'. Iget along fine with her BUT that as deep as it goes.
AGain, my diplomatic answer is, everyone is different. hahahaha! Love when I pull that card...
it's 'SS and I' (here's a trick one of my school teachers taught, if you can take the other person out of the sentance and the 'I' makes sense, it's 'I'. If you take the other person out and it should be replaced with 'me', replace it! hehe)
Ok, so, I think this is something that is SO easy to get cought up on. I think this may be one of the top emotional issues that SM's may go through. I love my SS with every fiber of my being, I would go the ends of the earth for him (and I'm not exaggerating, I love him). BUT in the end he. is. not. MINE. And when I refer to SS as DH's it's not because I'm trying to not want to claim him, it's more of a respect thing. I know, if someday my DH and I get divorced, I would be upset if the new woman came in and started calling DD HER child. Even though that emotional connection I feel is there with SS, I am respectful of the fact that he has a mom. (BUT I also think there is a huge difference if the BM is not in that child's life, and the SM fills that role, but that's going to make my post entirely too long, so I'll forego that for now
)
When I call places or am making reservations or something I'll often say 'I am planning ___ for my son' because well, it's just easier. In public when random strangers say 'oh your son is so cute!' I nod and smile and say thank you, because who wants to explain in the middle of target 'well he's actually my step son but thanks!'. When DH and I have serious conversations or what not I refer to him as 'his' because, he is, but DH is always so adhament 'he's OURS' and in a way, yes, he is. BUT ultimately, he's not. KWIM? It's such a fine line! and it's so hard to discern the difference sometimes!
I know that someday SS is going to have a car and have girlfriends and I often wonder 'will he bring them here for dinner?' 'Will he ask me to dance with him at his wedding?' 'Will we have a good relationship with him later in life?'. All these things swirl around, and it can be hard sometimes, but I think the best thing you can do is just learn to try to balance it all out best you can in your own family.
Man I suck at explaining myself over text... lol.
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I also get flamed often for referring to SSs as "his kids." They are. I don't tell people that "we" have kids b/c we don't. He has kids with his x-wife.
After reading another book, there was a sad story about either the Skip or SM in their dying days, and the SM was really hurt b/c the Skid didn't want her, only wanted her bio-mom. But it just reinforced the fact for me that there will always be a difference. And that's ok; it just makes me know I want Bio-children one day. B/c I don't think my Skids will be able to fulfill the needs/wants of a child that I have as a 31 year old woman (especially seeing them 12-24 times a year). However, I'll do my best to be a loving, kind Smom to them and hope that they can enrich my life and I can theirs in some way.
As one poster mentioned the pastor, I also had someone make a comment that stood out to me. I have an aunt whose been married for 20 years to a man with 3 kids; she has none of her own. She is VERY involved in their lives and now is a step-grandma to 8. She LOVES it.
But not that long ago (and not sure how it was brought up b/c it wasn't by me!), she said to me that her jewelry would be left to me and my other cousins because her step-children aren't her "real family" like we were. And these are people she's been involved with for 20+ years, who she loves. I was surprised to hear that b/c I do think of them as her family. But I guess blood bonds will always be thicker than step-bonds!