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What to say/not to say

Izabella22Izabella22 member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Comforting People who have Experienced a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is one of the most difficult losses a person or family can experience. Friends, relatives and co-workers often have a hard time knowing what to say or do to comfort and console those who are grieving. But there are some things you can do and say to try to comfort people who have had a miscarriage.

What to Say and What Not to Say

 

People should be very careful when choosing their words of sympathy for somebody who has experienced a miscarriage, for many seemingly harmless words and clich?-type phrases can actually cause more sadness than they ease.

Avoid saying things like:

  • "It could have been worse."
  • "It was for the best."
  • "Your baby is in a better place now."
  • "God must have done this for a reason."
  • "At least the baby was not born yet."
  • "You can always get pregnant again."
  • "At least you have other children."

When comforting others, try using these sentiments:

  • "I am sorry for your loss."
  • "I know how much you wanted the baby."
  • "Is there anything I can get/do for you?"
  • "I am here for you if you want to talk."
What to Do and What Not to Do

The appropriate actions and gestures are often difficult to determine when comforting and consoling somebody grieving a miscarriage. Here are some ideas of things to do:

  • Help them mourn. Offer a shoulder for them to cry on.
  • Reassure them. Let them know they did all they could and that the miscarriage was not their fault.
  • Be a good listener. Let them know they can contact you if they need to talk. When you are talking, let them control the flow of the conversation.
  • Offer to watch their other children so they can have a few hours for themselves.
  • See if they need anything if you are going out to run errands.
  • Offer to help with practical things such as preparing a meal or basic household chores.
  • Help them find a support group, therapist, religious leader or councilor to talk with.
  • Give them privacy without falling out of contact.

Avoid doing the following things:

  • Do not ignore or avoid their grieving.
  • Do not think that a miscarriage is easier to deal with than a stillbirth or the death of a young child. Each of these is a tragic loss.
  • Do not judge how others choose to grieve. The grieving process is an experience that everybody does in their own personal way. The grieving will take however long it takes, and can be expressed in any number of ways.
  • Do not feel like you need to keep your kids or other children away from grieving people.
  • It is ok to be silent if you cannot think of anything to say.
  • You do not have to be overly cheerful yourself, or have to cheer others up.
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Re: What to say/not to say

  • Izabella22Izabella22 member
    Just found this on my companys counseling website, thought it was interesting. Wish I could make people read this before they talk.
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  • Amanda02aAmanda02a

    I think I have heard everything on the "avoid" list.  

    The one that kills me is, "Your baby was (messed up, deformed, retarded, or had a horrible disability/disease) so your body rejected it and it you should be happy that you didn't have a baby like that.   <-- People are ignorant! 

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  • acast187acast187 member
    Am with you Amanda i have heard everything on the "avoid" list as well as the your baby was.... People telling me it was for the best DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!! If anything it makes things worse!
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