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3rd Trimester
"Confessions" of a new, first time mom. FYI (long)
The first question I imagine people asking is "Why is she telling us this?". If you decide you're interested in the answer and keep reading, please just remember this is my experience and I'm sharing as an FYI because no matter how many times I heard it...I had NO idea how I'd be feeling after Emily was born. It threw me for a loop and I honestly just want people to be more prepared than I was.
I woke DH up around 2:30am on the 30th of March because, after being up for about an hour and feeling less movement than normal, I got worried. None of the usual tricks had worked. OB said to head to the hospital if we wanted to be monitored and we went. Got to hospital maybe 3:30 or 4am. Emily's heartbeat was fine, but my BP was way too high. To make a long story short, the OB decided to do a c-section rather than wait for the 24 urine collection results (even though I'd done hours of collection already).
I was terrified of the c/s but obviously wanted to do what was best for both of us. At 8:16am on March 31, little Emily Fay was born and--in our opinion--was just beautiful.
I wasn't very mobile for a while and Emily was being changed by DH, visitors, and nurses for quite some time. Additionally, I was having trouble getting to her in a hurry when something went 'wrong'. For example, Emily started gagging (on mucus, as it turns out) and we got lucky because the nurse just happened to be in the room at the time. The nurse flipped Emily onto her stomach and cleared her airway. She'd started to choke--I was lucky the nurse was there, as slow moving as I was.
After the first night in our room, I decided to let Emily stay in the nursery. This was the only logical decision to make, as I'd started to fall asleep in the middle of everyday 'tasks' due to lack of sleep for 3 nights straight. I fell asleep while pumping, while texting, and during phone conversations. I'd never fell asleep "accidentally" before in my life.
A LOT more happened in the hospital that I won't get into, but I had serious issues with information I got from staff. Seemed I got differing info from enough people to leave me confused, extremely emotional, and unable to even make decisions about feeding Emily. I'll gladly get into it if someone feels they 'have' to know...but the bottom line is different nurses (and lactation consultants) give different info about when to feed and how much to feed (and what to feed!). We left the hospital pumping/feeding breastmilk from a bottle and supplimenting with formula.
Once we got home...my mother was around most of the time to help. I was constantly exhausted, always crying, and never felt adequate enough to even hold my own daughter. I felt that I was unfit to be a mother and couldn't even do basic tasks to care for her. Emotionally, I felt spent. I believed I'd never stop feeling how I felt and that I would never be capable of caring for her and myself...I didn't eat unless reminded.
Immediately, I called my therapist (from years ago) and made an appointment for a phone session. I knew I was 'hormonal' but didn't really want to blame all of how I was feeling on that. I couldn't get on the Bump too often, since any sleep I got was with Emily laying on my chest...so I got only two posts-worth of feedback.
Emily is four weeks old today. She's not sleeping well anywhere but in our arms (or on my chest again). The longest she'll stay "put down" is 40 minutes...this phase is a couple days old, now. DH is currently looking for work (he was in schoold until last week) and I'm still on disability. Frankly, with both of us home (running errands, taking showers, eating, sleeping, and using the computer to look for work in shifts) I'd assume we have it made. It is, as a matter of fact, getting easier. I love her more than I could ever imagine and I'm so glad she's here....making our lives and our love complete. The very honest truth is, however, that for the first two weeks or so...I regretted getting pregnant. I missed the lives we had before and I didn't know if I could ever get over those feelings. I did not think I had PPD (and still don't, since I do believe the feelings have changed for the better), but was prepared to consider medication if needed. NEVER did I consider hurting Emily or myself, but I did feel like running away a few times. I thought about selling our condo and moving in with a parent--ALL of us--so that we wouldn't have to do this alone. The feelings and 'solutions' I had were all very extreme.
The two times I did post on the Bump people told me things would get better as we fell more into a routine. From my experience, that is the truth....
Again, I'm posting this here just to share my experience because as often as I heard "you'll be emotional" or that things would be hectic...I had no idea how extreme my reaction would be. Having a new baby is wonderful and I wasn't expecting to have such a negative emotional experience upon coming home.
If you feel overwhelmed at any point...talk to as many people as possible including a therapist, if possible. I talked to my DH but was convinced he couldn't possibly understand how I was really feeling. He could hear me but not know how it felt.
I have a long way to go but am feeling much more connected to Emily, emotionally, and am so thrilled to have this beautiful little girl in our lives.
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Re: "Confessions" of a new, first time mom. FYI (long)
Thank you so much for sharing, I know that it can help just to know that you're not the only person going through something, so I'll keep your story in mind if I feel overwhelmed.
BTW, your daughter is gorgeous!!
Thank you!
ETA: Your daughter is beautiful!
Thanks for sharing! I felt exactly the same as you with DD. I didn't think it was baby blues or depression because I never felt any urge to hurt DD or myself either. However, I felt like crying 95% of the time and missed how easy my life was previously. I think the lack of sleep really gets to you along with the hormones. No body can explain what the lack of sleep is like unless you have experienced it yourself. A night or two of no sleep, okay, but when you start getting into weeks and months of not enough sleep it is miserable. I'd say the emotional part didn't go away until about 4 months with me and even then I didn't feel like I truly got the hang of things until DD was about a year old...maybe "hang of things" aren't the right words because I did get into a routine much earlier but I guess once she started walking things got much easier as slowly she was doing a little more on her own.
I am hoping this time I will be more prepared and let people who offer to help (mom, DH etc.)...help so I can get some sleep. I always felt I needed to do it and didn't want to burden my mom. DH was always helping and was up and sitting with me at every feeding even though I never breast fed. I didn't want to miss a feeding and he felt me sitting alone in the dark by myself would only make me even more depressed so poor DH...neither of us got to sleep.
It DOES get better and it DOES get easier!
It is really good that you posted this b/c most of the birth stories don't get into the real emotions that happen when you come home. I feel like I had a similar experience to you when I got home - my dd wouldn't latch on to me so I felt like a complete failure. I couldn't even bf. I also had the baby blues - like you I don't think I had PPD but I felt like my life as I knew it was over. I often looked at Mom's in the store cooing over their baby and wondered if I would ever get to that point. I knew I loved my dd and would never hurt her but I really didn't like her too much.
I hope things are getting better for you. It took me close to two months to really bond with my dd so if you're not there yet, take heart that you will get there.
thank you for sharing! i think a lot of us can't understand the magnitude of those emotions until we experience them. thank you for reminding us that we're not alone and there are other moms who feel this way and make it through.
congratulations on your beautiful daughter.
She is beautiful! And love the name. Emily is the name this one would have been if he was a girl.
Your experience sounds so much like mine post c/s. I think a LOT of the emotional response you had was like me - a let down from having to have a c/s, pain from the c/s, moving slowly, etc. I remember being so upset that I couldn't change his diaper even. The first time I did he was 10 days old and being a boy, he peed as soon as I took the diaper off. Then as I stared in amazement at the wet bookshelf, he explosively pooped and it landed on my shirt and the floor. DH was like "you have to be faster!" and I burst into tears. It's funny now, but terrible at the time!
And my son was a lot like your daughter. terrible sleeper. I was exhausted. everyone kept telling me to make it to 6 weeks - that is the turnaround point. Nope, later. He was 4 months by the time he slept more than 4 hours and that was only because he'd had some shots that day. I'd say it was 6 months till i consistently had more than 5 hours. but, once he got to that age, he was a dream baby and has been since. I say i'll take the terrible frist 6 months for the angel older baby and toddler her is/was.
Hang in there. It will get better, I promise!
Good for you for sharing this. I struggled so much in the first few weeks (well, first few MONTHS), partly because DS had colic and acid reflux and cried all.the.time.
I was miserable and I, too, wanted to run away and constantly questioned, "Why the hell did I have a baby?? Life was so great before."
Needless to say, that is all way behind us and I am insanely in love with my little boy, and life IS better than before he came along. But I do like to share my story with my childless friends because not enough people talk about it. It's not being negative, it is preparing people so that they don't panic and think they are a horrible person.
It is not easy to admit these feelings but it is such a good thing to do, both for yourself, and for other mothers-to-be so that in those wee hours of the morning when they feel so all alone, they might remember that other people have been through it and that there is plenty of help out there!
Good luck.
I think it's awesome that you've shared this with us. Like you said, talking helps, but knowing that others are going through/have been through the same thing will help.
I'm sorry you had to go through a tough time, but I'm glad you're coming out of it and glad you're connecting with your little cutie...and she IS a cutie!
Enjoy Emily, and again, thank you!