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Preemies
Mini vent-How does your DH act at the hospital?
I'm going to preface this by saying that my DH is a wonderful father and loves our kids very much. He misses Cooper like crazy. He's also working lots of extra hours so that we have a "nest egg" and I can take the time off when the baby comes home.
Now the vent....
I get realyl frustrated with him at the hospital. He actually tells me he's "bored" there. I'm thinking (and maybe it's just me being a mom) "how can you be bored when we are with our baby??
I know that the monitors make him REALLY nervous. Like, he will spend the entire time staring at them waiting to see if Cooper has any apneas or bradys. Also, he doens't like to do any of the things like change his diaper or take his temp because of the leads and his oxygen. I have tried to involve him, but he says it makes him nervous. I guess I'm just used to them because I jumped in and just learned what to do. I went into "mom-mode" even in the NICU.
I posted yeseterday I went back to work this week, so I only get to go up in the evenings. We were there an hour last night and he says "you ready to go?". NO! I'm not ready to go! I want to see my baby. I was very frustrated last night.
I'm trying to be patient with him, but last night I wanted to throat punch him.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mini vent-How does your DH act at the hospital?
Well it could just be really stressful for him and he gets anxious and wants to leave? Especially since he isn't there as much as you so he hasn't gotten as used to everything... Just a thought.
Since you asked, my DH never rushed me at the NICU since he knew I needed to be there.
But to defend your husband, the NICU can be a little boring. Especially when you don't get much hands-on time so the time in between can drag on. We were always trying not to fall asleep! Yes we were thrilled to be next to our babies and watch them sleep, but just being there was exhausting.
You should tell your DH now how it hurts you when he rushes you or says things like that and just tell him you need to be with Cooper AND him so he has to be supportive.
P.S. You should turn the monitors around when DH visits. Our nurses always turned them if they caugt us watching them. They said it was their job to watch and our job to visit, lol. I can understand with a tiny one, though, that you want to keep an eye on them more.
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
Well, I'll be honest...I found the NICU boring. When there isn't anything to do (changing, feeding, etc), its really slow. Yes I liked being with my girls, but I knew they were being well taken care of. I was often bored. I also had a two year old and other responsibilities and couldn't spend all day there.
Your DH isn't hormonal and isn't going to have that immediate 'parenting' reaction necessarily. And having a baby in the NICU is just very different. Some people cope by being more emotionally absent for self-protection. Its also hard being a parent or feeling like a parent when you are there...its very sterile.
I wouldn't be mad at him. he is coping in his own way. It may not be your way and he may not be expressing it the way you want to, but it isn't necessarily wrong. If caring for your baby makes him nervous (which is to be expected...so small with so many wires) that's ok. As he gets more comfortable with it, hopefully he'll be more hands-on.
Well, we didn't stay long either. My dh was convinced that we shouldn't touch/talk to him for fear of upsetting him. Lennon would get really agitated since we couldn't touch him.
Me, well I guess I felt it was best to stay out of the way. I'm a nurse and as much as I respect my patients and their famlies, I work better without family there.
I like this idea. I am sorry about your DH not being supportive of your needs to be with your son. I was very worried when I got discharged that DH would be that way but he wasn't and understood from the get go how important it was for me to be there all day every day. Here's how we worked it though:
We 'moved in' to DS's space (granted, we were lucky to have a private room). We brought a CD player to play soft music to him and DH enjoyed deciding what to bring up there. We brought books to read DS; we brought books for US to read when we couldn't be holding him. We brought magazines and crossword puzzles, and I made sure I never criticized DH if he wanted to do something like that while sitting at DS's bedside.
How much can you hold your son/interact with him? Does he need to stay in the incubator or do you get to hold him the whole time you're there? Things got a lot better when we could hold him - he'd fall asleep on us all the time and we could read and just enjoy him sleeping on our chest. Hang in there and I'm sorry you're feeling rushed. Talk to DH about it!
My husband complained of being bored as well. And was perfectly content to spend an hour a day at the hospital and call it done. I did not feel the same way. It was a 45 minute drive to the hospital, so it would have made more sense to drive together, but I found it kept the peace more if I went seperately.
I think generally, men just don't have that immediate bonding mode. Even friends with full term kids talk about how it took their husbands some time to really "get it" with the kids.. then the NICU adds to that. Biologically, men want to make sure their kids are provided for. To them, being in the NICU with all of the doctors and nurses, they feel like that is taken care of.
As women, we want to nurture.. and no nurse or doctor can replace a child's mother.
I can't say not to be frustrated with him.. God knows I was frustrated as HELL with my husband. But now having a little perspective (Robbie will be 2 in a month) I can see that we just had very different ways of coping. Neither were wrong, just different. And that's good.
Even now, we bond with Robbie in different ways. I'm the nurturing, snuggly, care-taking parent. David is the playful, easy-going, fun parent. Sometimes I resent that a little, but in the end, Robbie needs BOTH things, so it's good we're able to provide it.
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This. My DH and I used to go seperately to the NICU because of our work schedules and he was actually the one who got to know how to do everything first. He learned how to bathe her, change her diaper and feed her before I did. It really helped him bond with her. Also, I always found the NICU super boring and stressful, especially before we were allowed to hold our DD. Even afterwards I found it stressful because of how sick the other babies around her were. But I defiently think you DH should go by himself.
I agree with you 100% here. My hubby was with Annabelle the first few hours, and it helped so much. Since the first few days of her life, he has been very hands on. Still is. Yes, I won't lie it was very boring to just sit there and wait, but it also gave me peace to know that she was in good hands. Most evenings when we went, we had neighbors (Annabelle had a friend in the NICU) so we would talk to them for several hours. I'm glad we did, come to find out, she I worked for the same company and we still stay in touch. Anyway, would try and make your DH as comfortable as possible.
Good luck.
My twins Benjamin and Olivia
Our DS was in the NICU for 9 weeks (born at 27 weeks). During that time, I would go by myself (or with my mom) during the day, and with DH at night. IMO it's really important to be there, even if you aren't interacting with your LO. The nurses encouraged us to read to our DS and talk to him so that he stayed familar with us.
Because we were there so much, I was almost always there when the dr did rounds. This allowed me to ask tons of questions. It also built trust between the drs and nurses and us. It made the transition from NICU to home so much easier since we observed the care that he was given. Plus, the drs commented several times, "you will be fine, you're always here. it's the parents who aren't here who have the most trouble at home." Also, we now are really great friends with some of the nurses.