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Blended Families
Tough Call
During DH's separation BM leaned on her then 10, close to 11 yo daughter heavily. She cried, talked through things about DH, etc. with her. We have no idea what she told her about the reasons the marriage failed or about DH. BM has since admitted to us that her behavior was inappropriate. However, we're not clear if she's explained that to SD. Also during the separation, BM wrote DH a letter laying out everything she felt about him as a man, a husband and a father from the days they'd dated to the day he left. It was pretty revealing as you can imagine. DH kept that letter thinking one day he may let the kids read it to see exactly what their mom said to him and how she felt about their time together. He's never planned to throw it in their face or force them to read it, just have it available should they have questions.
Now SD is 14 and we are having some behavioral issues with her - not just us, but BM as well. BM blames the divorce and says she still has pent up anger for DH and I. She claims SD tells her everything and that's what she's been expressing and that although she encourages her to talk with DH, SD will not. We're not entirely dismissing her reasoning because anything is possible. However, we find it interesting that he and I have been married for nearly two years and the only new thing in our life is the baby that's due in June, which the kids have known about since October. Yet, BM just got remarried in March bringing two older stepbrothers, a stepfather and a dog that doesn't get along with their cats into the mix. BM hasn't said for a second that any of that could be contributing to things. It could very well be a combination of both or something else entirely.
Regardless, DH has decided to have a one on one with SD to see if she'll open up to him.
Our concern is that if this does stem from the separation and divorce, how do we handle undoing the misperceptions and flat out lies BM told her that have made the foundation for her views on the event and everything following? Also, is this the time to bring out the letter so she can see exactly what DH was dealing with? We don't want to pit her against her mom, but we're not sure how to regain a relationship with her without undoing or undermining what she's done.
It's an interesting dynamic and I'm not sure there is a right answer, but any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated. Not that it matters, but I also find it interesting that the four parents involved now range from SF at 50, BM at 40, BF at 41 and SM at 33. That may have nothing to do with anything, but I couldn't help but notice that SF is nearly as much older than SM as SM is older than SD. Did ya get all that? LOL!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tough Call
NEVER show SD the letter. I'm not sure how you and your H think that is a good thing for a child (or even adult child) to see.
Neither of us really know what to do. It's something to consider along with a whole slew of other options. I'm not challenging you, I'm seriously asking for your reasoning as to why that's such a horrible idea? And, what is your alternative to counter some of the terrible things she's been led to believe?
A child should not be in the middle of her parent's divorce. She already knows too much, even if its lies. Showing her a letter with all the gory details of her parents divorce spelled out can only harm her. I would suggest (like you said) have DH talk to her one on one and find out what the issues are. It may have nothing to do with her parents divorce. She may have issues at school or with her new stepfamily. If she mentions stuff that her mom has told her about the divorce, then he can tell het it's not true, otherwise, you should take the high road. She will (hopefully) eventually see where the truth is coming from.
BTW, how old is she?
ETA - OK, WTF? Does anyone else see a huge nest screen shot in my siggy? I have no idea where that came from. Off to check it out...
I agree that revealing the letter would be a bad idea. People say things in the middle of emotional turmoil that they probably wouldn't want their kids to see or hear. When my marriage was falling apart, I contacted my ex several times offering to move, trying to talk him into counseling, etc... and I'm not interested in my kid seeing any of that.
I don't really think it's appropriate for her kid(s) to again see her being so emotionally vulnerable as it relates to their dad.
But talking about things that would be good. I don't think any he said/she said stuff would get you anywhere. But maybe if your H asks her if she has any questions about what happened or any concerns, she would feel okay about bringing something up.
Letter=bad idea.
I think your DH needs to have a talk with his X about the issues SD is having and see what they can agree on. If they can be civil and not accusatory towards one another, then I think it might help for them both to sit down together with SD and talk with her. If that isn't possible, then maybe considering having SD talk with a counselor. You can show the letter to the counselor to give him/her some background on the situation.
Thank you for not turning this ugly and explaining your response. I see your point and appreciate the offer of another option. We'll have to see how the conversation goes. Based on past experience with SD, she normally tells whomever she's talking to what she thinks they want to hear. That works to our advantage when considering her issue probably isn't the divorce and she's just telling BM that. However, it doesn't help us get to the true root of the problem if she tells us it's the new stepfamily. It's a very difficult situation.
I thought I put it in the OP, but in case I didn't, she's 14.
At this point in her life, I think it would do more bad than good to show her the letter. I think that after she is a legal adult, if she has questions, the letter would be okay to show her. She would be over the ackward teen angst time period of her life (hopefully), and will have a better grip on life and what it all means. I think if you show her the letter now it may emotionally hurt her more than help her understand your guys' situation.
I think the one on one with her father is a good idea. If she has questions, I would answer them as truthfully as possible, without painting BM out to be a bad person. (Of course, if there are any details that are a little much, I would skirt around those as much as possible). 14 is still young, but it doesn't mean she's stupid. Who knows, this all may not stem from the divorce at all, and be due to all the new changes in her life. You won't know unless you talk to her. I would play it by ear, but I think at this point, the letter is a bit much and may make things worse.
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I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, BM still hasn't come to grips with all the reasons for the demise of the marriage. She claims she has, has forgiven DH and refuses to talk with him about it anymore. She says she admits some fault, but won't specify what that is. It's kind of hard to know where to start with all the ambiguity and road blocks.
As far as counseling is concerned, she won't let SD go without her and when she's present, SD will only say what BM wants to hear.
I'm honestly not trying to counter everyone's suggestions or "have an answer for everything." I'm just trying to describe our situation and what's happened to date in order to gain more suggestions.
NO LETTER EVER!
My oldest SD is 14 and she would blame her acting out on the fact that her dad didn't live with them. FYI they (BM and my H) only lived together with her till she was 8 months old so she has no memory of it. As long as BM let SD use this reason she did. My SD (not saying your SD is doing the same but maybe) pulled out that card everytime she got in trouble. When BM figured it out FINALLY and put a stop to it she then tried to use the fact that BM stated working. Come on. She works 25 hours a week while you are at school. That shouldn't be a big deal. SS tried the same thing at 9 years old but we already knew the drill.
No matter what it is no good can come of that letter!!!!
I don't think that is quite strong enough. Letter = HORRIBLE idea.
My heart breaks for your SD. She is having a tough time, but people around her seem to think it is all about them (which it is in a way, but you should focus on her right now). I would try to remember that this is about her, what she is feeling, how is she adjusting, what her needs are...She may have questions, comments, concerns, and your DH should do the best he can to answer them for her, without badmouthing her BM (good luck!). But please remember it is about her (not some letter, not some nasty words exchanged between 2 adults years ago) and he needs to listen to her. I am NOT saying it is easy, because your DH is/was part of it, but it is not the point of the conversation. What you want to achieve is to give her a feeling of comfort, not only now, but also later, that she can come to him with anything (and maybe you too someday).
She is lucky to have you and your DH and that you are willing to listen and try to make your relationship even better. But do just that.
Or this could all blow up in his face, since she could be an irrational, lunatic, crazy TEENAGER. Good luck!
If she does not open up I would get her and DH into a therapist for at least a few sessions to try to get her to open up.