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Parenting
How much time does your DH spend with your children?
My DH works a lot and of course is tired when he get home. Do you expect your DH to be "ON" the minute he walks in the door or do you give him some down time even if he hasn't seen the kids for a couple days?
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Re: How much time does your DH spend with your children?
In his line of work, I follow his cues. Sometimes he hasn't seen them for days and he wants to get on the floor and play with them, other times he's exhausted or mentally out of it if a patient dies or something. So we try to give him space, let him go down to the man cave and come up when he's ready.
Sometimes though, he walks into a house of chaos where they are both whining and I'm usually yelling 'get the toys out of the kitchen!' if I'm cooking. Those times he usually tries to at least distract them and give me a few minutes to get things together.
J2 11.17.08
This, exacty.
This is the ONE sticking point we have right now. While I don't need him to help me AS SOON AS HE WALKS IN, I do want him to recognize his hypocracies.
1) When he cooks, the baby MUST be out of the kitchen so she won't interfere, but she is with me 5 - 6 days when I cook.
2) He needs time to decompress from his day and chasing/playing with a 15 mo is not relaxing, but cannot understand that after 14 hours of chasing/playing with a 15 mo, why I need a break.
3) He sleeps in on weekends because he is up at 5:30 and needs to recharge, but doesn't see why I may need the say since I get up at 6:00 (that extra half hour must be magic).
I get that his job is tougher than a SAHM - it just is. But afford me enough respect to not use THESE excuses/justifications for your special needs.
My DH is a SAHD so I'll give you the opposite point of view.
As soon as I come home I am "on" with the kids. I am utterly exhausted and would rather go straight to bed, but they are my babies and I only get to see them properly from 5:30pm to 8:30 pm. Being a SAH parent is a much tougher job than mine so it is only fair that I am there as much as I can be for DH. Plus, parenting should be 50/50 when you are both home.
If I need a break DH steps up and vice versa, if he needs time out, I step up.
L-R: Liam (7), Eimhin (6) and Fionn (4)! (Irish names)
Too busy to update the pics for now ...
Generally, DH isn't home until after DS is asleep. However, on the rare occassion he makes it back before bedtime, he comes in, changes out of his suit, and from that point on he is "on". Ususally he comes home just in time for the bedtime routine (brushing teeth and books), so that is all him. DS rarely sees him during the week, so if DH actually makes it home while he is awake I want to make sure they have time together.
On weekends it is 50/50 - we swap sleep in days, etc.
My dh spends a lot of time with the kids. We split childcare 50/50 when we're both home. The only thing he can't do is feed dd (ebf), so he'll do a lot of the tasks around this (bringing her to me, getting her ready for bed etc). He doesn't get up at night (because he genuinely can't go back to sleep after), but will take the early morning shift if anyone wakes at 5:30 or later.
He also makes a real effort to spend one-on-one time with ds, taking him to the park or out for ice cream. We're still getting used to having 2 kids, and I'm so glad that ds gets those special times with his daddy. Dh is a great dad!
He is "on" as soon as he comes home. It's a busy time with dinner. cleaning up from dinner, cleaning up from the day, bath, play, reading, tucking into bed. There's a lot to be done and neither of our days stop until the kids are in bed.
He spends as much time in the evenings as he can and during the weekends always.
I'd say maybe an hour a day, on average since he goes out of town some too, but then all day on Saturday and Sunday.
Me with my littlest.
During the work week very, very little. About 30 minutes in the morning before he leaves for work. He's rarely home before they go to bed, and even if he is Kate usually pitches a fit if anyone other than me puts her to bed (and Ben goes to bed too early). I am ALWAYS the one who wakes up with Ben at the crack of dawn, weekdays and weekends.
On the weekends we are both "on" and we both get our own down time during naps to work out, run errands, etc.
During the week if I have an evening event or want to go to a yoga class or something, I hire a sitter. I can't rely on him to be home, so if I want time for myself I make that happen. Neither of us makes our "own" plans on the weekend except for rare occasions. We are usually together.
My kids must be the most laid-back kids in the world because I never understand these questions. DH usually comes home, and sometimes I'm already on the couch with the kids. He'll come sit with us and we'll talk about our days. DD will climb onto his lap and play with his hat or something.
Sometimes he gets home and I'm in the kitchen. He'll stand in the kitchen with me and we'll talk about our day. DD will walk over to him and he'll pick her up or something.
Neither of us is "On" the entire day. We can get plenty of downtime with the kids right next to us.
DH and I usually cook dinner together and the kids are right in the kitchen with us. Setting the table takes all of 60 seconds, I can't really count that as a chore. The dishes afterwards don't take very long, we take turns on that anyway. DS is old enough to get himself in the shower and DD gets a bath in the morning. I stay home so I do cleaning during the day, there's not many errands to be ran. We take turns putting DD to bed.
DH coaches DS' baseball team, so on practice and game days our afternoons are a little more hectic.
We also have the kickass policy of the kid's are in bed at 7:30. DH and I have the whole evening to ourselves. I usually take the dog for a walk while DH plays video games. Then we watch tv till bedtime.
Like I said, I think I'm just really lucky to have easy-going kids. I'm rarely stressed out and ready to throw the kids at DH as he walks in the door.
I pretty much expect him to be on. We BOTH work, not just him. My job is a little more flexible hours wise and so I get home first, but I also do more around the house (all the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, packing the kid's bags in the morning, etc). So yeah, I expect him to entertain the kids while I cook or do the dishes and he usually does baths at night also.
He's good though, I don't usually have to ask or nag. We're in good routine and I feel like we both do equal parts.
We don't have the choice in our house. Monday thru friday, my husband walks in the door at 4:10pm from work and I walk out at 4:15pm to go TO work.
If either of us have to work on the weekends, when we get home we just join in whatever the rest of the family is doing.
It's funny, I never really thought about having downtime coming home from work because it's just another part of the daily mechanics of our family.
The question is does your husband come home and expect to be able to do whatever he wants, or does he help with what needs to be done, whether or not you consider it a chore. Does he interact/entertain the kids? Help with dinner? Whatever. I'm not sure what's difficult to understand about that. It sounds like for your family it works pretty organically--neither of you is feeling put out by the "demands" of what needs to be done. I don't think that's the case for everyone, clearly.
I guess it's because my husband isn't home, really, during the work week when the kids are awake, so it's not an issue in my house, but I don't have trouble understanding how it could be an issue in other people's houses. My best parallel is that if I want to do something on a weeknight, I have to ask him or get a sitter. If he wants to, he just goes out after work. It's assumed that I will be around/available to take care of the kids. The reverse is not true.
Dh spends quite a bit of time with the kids. When he gets home from work he pretty much just jumps right in and does what needs to be done. We've got a pretty even 50/50 split of duties for the most part. By default I'm the one who usually makes dinner and does dishes, he's the one who gets the kids ready for bed, brushes their teeth and gets them into bed for the night.
He also has mornings with the kids (I work nights and don't get home until 8:30am.) They're usually up and he's in the process of getting them breakfast when I get home.
All in all I would say that he probably gets a good 4-5 hours a day with the kids during the week and to be honest, it still doesn't seem like enough time. I know that different things work best for different families so I'm not passing judgment at all on others, but for us it would not be an acceptable option for him to not see the kids during the week very much (or not at all!) Maybe on a short-term basis (starting a new job, occasional travel for work, etc.) but not as a long-term arrangement.
this is us, I guess (although I do understand the question). Our dinner times are rushed if I have been lazy that day. I used to be lazy every day but lately I've been prepping dinner/cleaning up during the day while the kids have their down time and then dinner is easy.
DH is sometimes 'on' immediately.. sometimes he takes a shower , whatever. Every day is different. I trust him to give us what he can of himself. Some days it's more than others, just like some days I have more to give, too.
I was about to write exactly the same thing.
Plus I'm still breastfeeding when I am home, so I take over pretty completely with the baby when I walk in the door, and H takes care of our older daughter's dinner and bath. I can't imagine walking in and expecting to have non-kid downtime after he's had them all day.
Sadly, DH doesn't see DD very much besides a few minutes in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. On Tuesday nights he doesn't work his 2nd job so I give him a "night off" ... so sometimes that night she'll see him and sometimes she doesn't. But very rarely on Tuesday nights is he spending QT with her. On Thursday night he also doesn't work his 2nd job so that is MY night off and they do whatever they want together--they absolutely love this time! They go to the swimming pool, or Chuck E Cheese, or the park, or out for dinner and ice cream.
On Saturday during the day he's home (but not at night) and he spends time with her but it's also a busy day for us doing housework, grocery shopping, etc. Since Sunday is the ONLY day we're all together from wake up to bedtime, we try to make that priority and do something fun together, do bedtime together, play games, etc.