Holy In-laws (vent-ish, I don't know)

MillersXing · April 2010

My family is big on helping by actions (paint the house, help with the garden, manual labor stuff) and the occasional check in a card for mad money.

But I'm not really used to the ILs style. We had money saved to get the bathroom done (it's bad, total gut job), but LO was coming so we shifted priorities to use that for the baby. ILs were not happy and decided they were going to pay for the bathroom remodel. We were going for a no frills, standard bathroom, but FIL wants heated floors and heat lamps and he's now upgrading our electrical box for it. Um...okay.

Then we get DH's birthday present and there is a check from his mom for a couple g's. DH called to ask if that was towards the bathroom and she said no. Her response was essentially "shut up and take it".

I am grateful, but I feel like it's too much. DH also feels like it's too much. But on the other hand, we want to "shut up and take it" because it's money we'll need if I decide to quit my job. I really don't want to start to "expect" these kinds of gifts, count on them in any way, or take them for granted. But "thank you" and inviting them for dinner doesn't seem sufficient. The standard response from the ILs is "It's ours to give, and we're giving it, so deal with it."

We're so used to holding our own and taking care of ourselves that it can be hard to accept and I wind up feeling guilty. They were generous before, but not this generous. They've amped it up considerably since their grandbaby is coming. Anyone get what I'm saying?

AmandaAndTj · April 2010

All I can think is how super stoked (yes, I said super stoked...) I'd be if anyone offered my family that amount of money at this point. As long as they arent "expecting" something from you that you arent aware of, I'd say thank you soooooo much and run to the bank lol

orienae · April 2010

As long as there are no strings attached be appreciative and let them gift you as they feel they are capable of doing.

anderson_moore2008 · April 2010

As long as it is not their way of controlling you and or their grandchild and comes with no/very few strings attached that you can live with then I would accept it graciously. I know it probably seems like a lot of money to you but they are in a different part of their lives and probably want to make it as comfortable as possible. My MIL keeps buying the big ticket items for DH and I when she finds out what we want, I think for her she was SO poor when her LO were born she could barley afford second hand and now that she has money she wants to make her children and grandchildrens life enjoyable. It is hard for me but I also know MIL would never spend more than she could afford and she will not ever use it as a way to control.

If the money comes with strings attached or it goes over board with home improvments to to the point where you feel like you don't get to make any choices then you might have to find a way to change the situation.

Alicebean · April 2010

shut up and take it Big Smile

BarbieNCSU · April 2010

orienae:

As long as there are no strings attached be appreciative and let them gift you as they feel they are capable of doing.

This exactly.

MillersXing · April 2010

That's the kicker, no strings, no nothing.

Although when this "golden child" is born, I'll probably have to let my MIL do the Lion King thing where Simba was presented to the kingdom on Pride Rock. Maybe I'll buy her the soundtrack so she has appropriate music. Lol.

minaa7 · April 2010

Hopefully I don't sound greedy but considering we're on the opposite end of the spectrum with my inlaws - I would just say THANK YOU! That's really great of them :-) Congrats on having such an awesome family

hawkeye21 · April 2010

MillersXing:
That's the kicker, no strings, no nothing.
Although when this "golden child" is born, I'll probably have to let my MIL do the Lion King thing where Simba was presented to the kingdom on Pride Rock. Maybe I'll buy her the soundtrack so she has appropriate music. Lol.

This is hilarious! I love it. GL and hope the money really is no strings attached. That would be awesome!

LaurelBee · April 2010

I would usually say take the $ and run! But I'm dealing with the same thing: very generous "gifts" from my ILs, but there always seems to be a catch. I've got all kinds of stories of them over stepping the normal boundries. Just be weary!

kara975 · April 2010

I deal with the same issues, but from my parent's instead of my in-laws. It makes me feel bad to take their money when I know they could probably find another use for it. My parents work very hard and they do make a lot of money, but they never seem to spend it on themselves. I console myself with plans to do the same for my kids in the future Smile

KittahMama · April 2010

My husband has a very generous and wealthy uncle and aunt. When we got married we got a check from them for an amount that I would be ashamded to tell anyone I know.

A thank you note didn't seem appropriate but I got a card and told them thank you, more for the financial security they gave us and the ability to splurge on our honeymoon. I also told them that in the future we were looking to redo our bathroom (ours is foul as well) and that we could immediately begin a savings for that instead of putting away a safe nest egg. I told them how grateful we were for that, because most people our age starting married life don't get that.

His aunt was very touched by the card. She kept saying not to worry, it was just money and they wanted us to enjoy, but when I saw her next I looked her and his uncle in the eyes and said "by the way, thank you again for your generous gift. It really meant a lot to us, not because it is money but because you thought so much of us to be that generous". They were touched.

I would suggest something similar because in reality that is the truth, you are very thankful and grateful. Not everyone is that fortunate but when you are and especially since they are generous and don't want to be fussed about over it- give them a very genuine thank you and that is all they really want.

mysticporter · April 2010

Like the others said, if there's no strings attached and as long as it doesn't bother you, just continue to express your generosity and appreciation. It's a little hard for me to imagine, because with my IL's when they are really generous we always feel it's because they are buying the right to act as white knight, saving us when otherwise we wouldn't have "made" it. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's because of DH and I's 'proud to do it on our own' personalities, or comments they make afterward, or that once engaged they don't want any input from us, or how they offer the help (it is always a fight if we say 'no', which makes it feel like less of a sincere offer and more of an expression of lack of confidence and a desire to take over), but if we're feeling uncomfortable we generally decline offers that are over the top in our opinion. I see a couple of similarities to your post (can't say no, they want to do it their way with the bathroom), but it really is to each their own. SIL seems to eat up any help MIL/FIL want to give, and doesn't mind the trade-offs that sometimes they have more influence than we'd be comfortable with because of it.

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