I'm done with being married...

prayin4ablssn · April 2010

I didn't know marriage was going to be miserable, I knew it wouldn't always be roses. Seriously, the sweetest my husband has ever been to me was when the babies were in the NICU, mainly when I was in the hospital too. In short, I don't get along with his family, he doesn't get along with mine. He thinks he's always having to adapt to my family because I won't adapt to his. I think his family is all self centered and misunderstanding of why I do the things I do with my kids. It's just a big fat mess. He's working 5 hrs from home right now so I haven't seen him, he hasn't seen us in a few weeks. I've been taking care of the babies alone 24/7 for awhile now. I've had about 4 hours sleep total per night for about the past 2 weeks and I'm starting to feel it. I just want to cry. I never intended for my children to be raised amidst two parents who don't get along. I just want a husband that is there for me and the kids and treats me like they appreciate all the sacrifices I make in order for our kids to have the best in life. I talk to my sis in law (brother's wife) and they've had a sweet little lunch outing with their two girls and went flower shopping and she's about to have a picnic outside with the oldest while brother plants flowers. How stinkin jealous am I? A LOT. Anyone wanna come to my pity party? I should be napping while the babies are down but what's the point when one of them will be up in 5 minutes anyways? Oy, I think I need a margarita, and a babysitter.

smileychic10986 · April 2010

I just wanted to say, I am so sorry that you aren't happy with how things are going in your marriage right now? Do you think DH would be willing to do marriage counseling with you? I think it could help to open the lines of communication with you. Maybe he just doesn't know what kind of support you need right now. If not, maybe if you go to it alone it would helo you feel a bit better. I think you need a night out! Do you have anyone around who can babysit for you? You need to get out for some YOU time. It won't make you a bad mom, I promise. Good luck with things. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Sweets2005 · April 2010

I'm so sorry!

Have you talked to your DH about these feelings? Maybe counseling will help?

HUGS!

prayin4ablssn · April 2010

I would love a night out but I do feel guilty not only about leaving my babies but leaving the responsibility of two babies on someone else. They are alot of work! The only times I do get out are when they are napping and I can get a family member to come watch them. Other than that, I'd consider me to be pretty house bound. It sucks and it's wearing thin on me that I don't ever get a break. I feel like if people don't offer to watch the both of them for me while, say, I go get a pedicure or go to lunch with a friend...then they probably DON'T want to do it. On top of everything I think I'm getting a cold and I tell ya, it's so hard to stay in babies face when you don't feel like yourself. Plus I don't want them to get sick. Sometimes I think about life before kids and I miss it, not that I'd trade this for anything. It's just been one struggle after the next since we wanted to start a family.

mcdev · April 2010

I'm not an overly religious person, but we were married in the Catholic church and our entire pre-cana marriage classes centered around the fact that you don't just marry the man/woman...you are marrying the entire family and the beliefs/values/traditions that each subscribe to. I think it is often overlooked how vital it is to have a mutual respect for each other's family. Part of the pre-cana we had to write down what we want to do the same/different from the families we grew up with in child rearing, holidays, vacations, etc. I have to say, it was really interesting to actually sit down, discuss, and put all that on paper! Do you think that kind of dialogue could help you and your DH with the in-law situations?

Lack of sleep is torture. For real. No one should make any decisions while under severe sleep deprivation. If guilt is too overwhelming at this point to leave the house with a babysitter/family member, how about having someone come spend mornings with you as a mommy's helper type thing? That way you are still there, but not running as ragged and maybe even able to catch some naptime here and there? I can't imagine having twins. It must be so so hard in those beginning months.

Hang in there. The exhaustion WILL get better. That will help somewhat. Communication will help at least some of the rest. I wish you all the best!

ijack · April 2010

Hugs

I will say that the first months with kids are really hard and my marriage really suffered. I think it takes men a little while to get the hang of being a parent, especially when they aren't there 24/7. Is there anyone that you can ask to help out? Do you have family around? Is it possible for him to come home for a least a weekend?
Good luck, I hope it gets better soon!

eacabraham@gmail.com · April 2010

Mama, I have never heard anyone so badly in need of a margarita. And a babysitter.

Stop letting your family off the hook, please. Reach out to them. ASK FOR HELP. If you think both babies are too much to leave on one person, recruit more than one.

You are not going to feel happy about your marriage while you are tired, lonely and overwhelmed. And you probably aren't going to feel great about it while you aren't seeing your husband. We get married hoping to find joy in intimacy and then when our partners are unavailable, we get grumpy. I don't know if there's more than this going on with your husband, but I would urge you not to make major decisions until you've established a routine that gets you a break once or twice a week, and you've had a chance to seriously reconnect with your husband.

I struggle with the family thing myself - DH and I just deal very differently with our families and the result is tension on both sides. This stuff doesn't get better overnight.

prayin4ablssn · April 2010

I think this would've helped us tremendously. However, when I married my husband, his family was somewhat different in my opinion. ANd things have just happened. His dad died right before we were married. When he was still here, DH's mom was very family oriented and very sweet and grandma-type. Now, she dates a man with a bad gambling problem that isn't completely divorced and he comes in and out of her life like a revolving door, in fact he has lived with her on and off for 2+ years. I do not believe in that, nor do I want my kids to think it's ok. (This man also couldn't understand why step moms should be considered too when it comes to Mother's Day...I'm a step mom) In short, I think there are a lot of trust issues that have developed over the years. Maybe it's me that has changed. When I married him, that was the pre-baby me and now I'm just all MOM and only want what's best for my babies. I don't know. I should've have said I'm done with my marriage because I am not. I will NEVER EVER leave my husband because I refuse to raise my kids in a broken family. I can put on my happy pants for their sake. I htink what it all boils down to is the fact that I'm running on fumes, fighting a cold with sleep deprivation, both of them are teething, I'm husband-less, I have been house bound for 6 mos + and I'm ready for some relief.

axh2277 · April 2010

((hugs)) I am so sorry you are going thru this. DH and I used to battle in the middle of the night over who had to get up with him when DS wasn't sleeping more than two hours because of his reflux so I can't imagine how it would be not having DH home and having two. Is there a neighbor or someone that can help you out when your DH is gone so that you have some "me" time? I remember that one day when DH was at work things with DS got so bad that I noticed that our neighbor was home and I walked over to their house with DS who was screaming because he was in so much pain from the reflux (this was before he was on all the medications) and asked if they could watch him because I needed a few minutes alone. I am still so ashamed of how I felt that day, but her DH watched him while she and I had a glass of wine and she told me stories of her three kids when they were infants and tried to make me feel better. ...to this day I am so grateful to them because it let me escape from his issues for a few minutes.

Shayna0182 · April 2010

Been there, wore the spit up covered t-shirt. A new baby is hard on a marriage, but I think having a preemie comes with it's own set of problems. We too have battled reflux, colds, flu, rsv, and because ds is in daycare, those were almost unavoidable no matter how hard we tried to stay housebound all winter. He didn't sleep through the night until he was about 5 months old ( and I consider sleeping through the night 4-5 hour stretches) And dh and I were almost at a breaking point. We fought and argued so much, that we felt this crazy guilt, because we loved ds but our marriage was taking a huge dive. What helped us, was one, starting ds on a routine where he goes to bed at 8:30 every night and then us getting some alone time. We also take him to daycare and then have a date day occassionally, just the two of us.

I agree with everyone else who said this, but please reach out and try to get a few hours a week, where someone close watches the babies. Even if all you do is take a nap, trust me it helps! And just know that even though this feels like it'll last forever, it won't. There will come a day when it will get much easier.

lemen99 · April 2010

I'm sorry

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