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Postpartum Depression
amber_tynan
member
XP: I was robbed of the first few weeks
amber_tynan
member
For some reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm
really pissed that I didn't get to enjoy the first few weeks with B and
feel like I really missed out. I know I missed out.
I had severe PPA/PPD and it set
in the day we came back from the hospital. I really didn't get to
enjoy my squishy little newborn because of everything going on in my
head. When I look at pictures I can still feel those
helpless/impending doom/crazy-ass feelings I had. I'm on meds but I can still feel those things quite clearly like I'm reliving it when I look at them.
I want to remember it as a good time; when I met my little love, when I really became a mommy, when we became a family of 3. But I don't feel that way. I feel like something was stolen from me and I really want it back, but I don't know what "it" was in the first place. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.
Please tell me I'm not alone! Do you feel this way at all?This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: I was robbed of the first few weeks
I definitely feel like this. Not only because of the fact that my twins were in the NICU and I missed out on crucial bonding time but because I felt so detached from everything that was going on.
We never get that time back and I, for one, wish we could because I think we all need it.
I completely understand. I had a horrific birth experience (I ended up with the most severe form of pre-eclampsia, called HELLP Syndrome, LO was delivered by emergency c-section). Once I started to feel better physically, the PPD/PPA set in. My parents took care of LO and me for nearly 2 months. I felt so guilty about it all. . . and my DH was deployed, so I didn't have him there to hold my hand, literally, through it all.
But, as with other experiences in my life, as much as I would like to be able to go back and do it all over again, being angry, sad and frustrated does me no good. I can't go back. I can't change the past, but I can decide how I feel today and tomorrow. I am thankful that despite all of our struggles, from having to do IVF to get pregnant, DH deploying, to our difficult birth experience and challenging first months--my son is happy, healthy, and a joy to be with, my health and mood are back to normal and DH very recently came home. I have much to be thankful for and I appreciate it all.
PPD/PPA is awful. It can steal away those first weeks or months, but do all that you can that it does not steal from today or tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing your stories! It feels so much better to know I'm not alone.
I think I may need to switch meds or do a combination because I'm really not feeling very well now. When I feel this way I dwell on the bad things when I should be looking at all the good things in my life.
I am blessed with a very happy baby who makes everyone smile. His face lights up when he sees me and I need to start thinking of those moments rather than dwell on the past. I have a lot to be thankful for; I just need to remember that sometimes.
You've got a good perspective and attitude! It is hard, knowing that you missed part of the motherhood experience. It sucks, but seeing that you are focusing on the negative as a reason to adjust your treatment is rather insightful.
)
I think that its okay to feel sad about missing out, but don't let it interfere with what you have now. I know that it makes me sad, especially since LO will be our only child. But, PPD/PPA is also one of the reasons that LO will be an only child (a small part, but still). Talk to your OB or whoever is prescribing your meds. You may benefit from an increase. They also say that exercise is great for helping one feel better. Throw your LO into his stroller and take a nice walk. It might help, too!
Keep up the good work!
It's really easy to feel that way, I know.
That said, I try and remind myself that this is my journey and this experience will ultimately lead to a wiser, more empathetic and full person.
I feel that way all the time. I used to just lie there in bed at night and stress over the fact that I could barely remember DD's first few weeks. Part of it was probably PPD, but a lot of it was that I had a rough birth and recovery, so I was just so out of it.
In my case, I think my PPD set in later, so I have this nagging fear that I'm not enjoying her enough now. Even though I love playing with her and she lights up my life. I'm just afraid that I'm somehow not as with it as I think I am.