SO Sick of being the jealous wife...please help!-Kinda long

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

I love my DH so much and I know that our marriage is stable and very good.We have been married for 10 months (been together for 4 years) .

Well my DH is the type of man is who is very friendly and the same amount of guy friends as women friends.

To be honest this seriously bothers me....it bothers me most because I don't trust anyone (I have had many close friends who have hurt me and done some unforgivable things to me) So needless to say some of the women that he is friends with I just do not trust. I understand that I need to trust in my husband, but things happen.

He has this friend who lives very far from us a few states difference. He is always texting her, they were having daily conversations durng my DH's commute to work or during his lunch break...I was not comfortable with this so I talked to him and to her about it (it just did not seem necessary to me) well they stopped it and she apologized to me and told me that she would never want to make waves in our marriage. Well recently when I looked at our cell phone bill I noticed that this past weekend they were texting non-stop (about 60 messages) I really don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to seem like I was looking for something to be pissed about, but how hard is it to realize that we are now married and this kind of relationship should not be carried on... before we were married is one thing, but I don't feel the need to carry on relationships in the manner with my guy friends...I feel like it is disrespectful to my DH.

What do you ladies thing, give me some advice please...TIA!

newlywed26 · April 2010

I think you should have a serious sit down with your dh. IMO text messaging that frequently with another female is a little weird. I wouldn't like that one bit either. What are they talking about that they need to text that much? Anyway, yes just sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. It's also extremely disrespectful that, even after she apologized to you about the frequent calls and texts that she still did it after the fact. She sounds sneaky to me.

luvablegrace154 · April 2010

newlywed26:

I think you should have a serious sit down with your dh. IMO text messaging that frequently with another female is a little weird. I wouldn't like that one bit either. What are they talking about that they need to text that much? Anyway, yes just sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. It's also extremely disrespectful that, even after she apologized to you about the frequent calls and texts that she still did it after the fact. She sounds sneaky to me.

This and especially the bolded part. To be honest, I would be hacked that even after you talked with both of them about it, they continued behind your back. I don't know you or your DH but if he knew it was making you upset he should have stopped. I don't think it's appropriate for them to be talking so much. Like PP said, I would sit down with him and show him what you found. Don't accuse him of anything drastic, but tell him how much it bothers you. Hopefully he will understand. My first thought would be that he was cheating on me if I found something like that out but I usually assume the worst. There is a such thing as setting up healthy boundaries in a marriage, and this would be crossing one of the boundaries in my marriage. Since you talked about it once before and they didn't stop texting, I would be really mad. Try sitting down with him and let him know how it makes you feel.

Edit: There's nothing wrong with friendships of the opposite sex, but when it gets to be secretive, hidden and lies/not the whole truth that's where I would start to worry. If he has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't get defensive or angry. Hopefully that helps, and it wasn't just rambling lol.

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

Ugh I understand what you both are saying, but my DH does listen and he stops for a little while until he thinks I have forgotten about the situation, then he feels the need to "catch up" with people all over again...its like no matter what he doesn't see a problem, because he feels he is not cheating so he tells me that it is nothing....idk I just feel like I am already tired of complaining about it...it is so annoying! I just want him to understand my side and he never does-he claims he does but if he did he would not be messaging these women friends....I think about the relationship that his parents have and other people that I know have and this kind of thing would never be ok, so why does it seem like he HAS to have these female friends to conversate with all the time, if it is not one it is another (a few I have met, and they are nice people, but still)

Heather1979 · April 2010

I think that you need to sit down with DH and have an honest conversation about how you are feeling. I don't think that seeing a phone bill with that many texts is an uncalled for thing to discuss. (Now if you looked in his phone, that's a privacy issue).

I would frame it like "When I see that number of texts between the two of you, it makes me feel _____ because _______." You can fill the second blank with how you don't do that out of respect for DH, or ehatever other reasons you have.

This way it's not like you are coming at him when you talk to him about this. I think it's a bit shifty that the girl is still participating in this behavior after she acknowledged your discomfort.

Another thought I had was Is it possible they are planning a shower for you or something innocent like that?

I don't know. Every time I try to rationalize something, I always end up being mad at myself for not trusting my gut.

newlywed26 · April 2010

Soon_2B_MrsM:
Ugh I understand what you both are saying, but my DH does listen and he stops for a little while until he thinks I have forgotten about the situation, then he feels the need to "catch up" with people all over again...its like no matter what he doesn't see a problem, because he feels he is not cheating so he tells me that it is nothing....idk I just feel like I am already tired of complaining about it...it is so annoying! I just want him to understand my side and he never does-he claims he does but if he did he would not be messaging these women friends....I think about the relationship that his parents have and other people that I know have and this kind of thing would never be ok, so why does it seem like he HAS to have these female friends to conversate with all the time, if it is not one it is another (a few I have met, and they are nice people, but still)

Listen if you don't like it, you don't like it. He and that other heifer need to respect that. Sorry to be so blatant, but I'm mad for you lol! Seriously though, if you don't like it, you're his wife, and you have every right to set boundaries. I am all about allowing female friends and all (my dh has them too), but there's nothing that I feel uncomfortable with. IMO, it's weird and disrespectful, again especially after the fact that this woman acknowledged your discomfort and apologized, but yet turned right around again to text him back and forth. I wouldn't be a fan one bit. Like the other pp said though. Sit down with him and have an open dialogue with him without sounding accusatory. If he's "forgetting" and doing it again, he's being disrespectful and crossing boundaries.

Daisy77 · April 2010

Ask to see the texts. If he hands them over he isn't hiding anything. However that much texting is a little silly. If they have that much to say, call each other. Chat for 10 minutes, catch up, done deal. To say they'll stop and continue on is dishonest and he should be called on it. Why lie? Yes, she too is lying but she's not in the marriage nor is she responsible for your DH's actions. Your DH has the power to cut this right now and I think you are well within your rights to speak up if it's making you uncomfortable. If he has an issue with it (after saying he'd stop anyway) then there would be a problem.

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

UGH! Now I want to cuss him out! I looked at our cell phone usage online and she texted him 3 times this morning and he never texted her...I thought we had an understanding....and the excuse I will receive will be oh she is going through a crisis and needed advice or some sh*t! AHHHHHH I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

newlywed26 · April 2010

Soon_2B_MrsM:
UGH! Now I want to cuss him out! I looked at our cell phone usage online and she texted him 3 times this morning and he never texted her...I thought we had an understanding....and the excuse I will receive will be oh she is going through a crisis and needed advice or some sh*t! AHHHHHH I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Tell her to get a therapist. I'm mad, and I don't even know you Angry

Seriously though, what would really anger me is the fact that the woman is still being sneaky and disrespectful. Does she have a man?

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

newlywed26:
Soon_2B_MrsM:
UGH! Now I want to cuss him out! I looked at our cell phone usage online and she texted him 3 times this morning and he never texted her...I thought we had an understanding....and the excuse I will receive will be oh she is going through a crisis and needed advice or some sh*t! AHHHHHH I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
Tell her to get a therapist. I'm mad, and I don't even know you Seriously though, what would really anger me is the fact that the woman is still being sneaky and disrespectful. Does she have a man?

Yes I am mad too, my DH should be calling me any minute now (his lunch hour) I want to touch on this subject but I am not sure how to without getting angry on the phone. I don't want him to shut down on me and be mad.

newlywed26 · April 2010

Soon_2B_MrsM:

newlywed26:
Soon_2B_MrsM:
UGH! Now I want to cuss him out! I looked at our cell phone usage online and she texted him 3 times this morning and he never texted her...I thought we had an understanding....and the excuse I will receive will be oh she is going through a crisis and needed advice or some sh*t! AHHHHHH I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
Tell her to get a therapist. I'm mad, and I don't even know you Seriously though, what would really anger me is the fact that the woman is still being sneaky and disrespectful. Does she have a man?

Yes I am mad too, my DH should be calling me any minute now (his lunch hour) I want to touch on this subject but I am not sure how to without getting angry on the phone. I don't want him to shut down on me and be mad.

Try to hold off until he's gotten home. You're very angry right now, and if you bring it up angry, it will just make him angry, and then you two will be back at square one. When he gets home, maybe wait after he's wound down from the day, and then bring it up. Say something like "dh I notice that (woman) has been texting you very frequently even after I expressed to her how uncomfortable it made me feel and after she apologized. Is there a reason she's still texting you?" If he tells you she's going through something, maybe gently suggest that counseling might help her, and let him know again that it bothers you, and you don't feel respected. Also if he pushes back, ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned.

Daisy77 · April 2010

Soon_2B_MrsM:
UGH! Now I want to cuss him out! I looked at our cell phone usage online and she texted him 3 times this morning and he never texted her...I thought we had an understanding....and the excuse I will receive will be oh she is going through a crisis and needed advice or some sh*t! AHHHHHH I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Does she not know that you see the cell phone usage? I assume that she does given that you have addressed this with her already.

You need to find out *what* she is texting him. If it's harmless stuff like jokes, forwards, etc. no big deal...be glad she's not filling up your inbox with them. If it's something else, text/tell her to stop or you *will* block her number. Continuing this kind of contact when you requested her to stop is crossing a line. Crisis or not, your DH is not her therapist/sounding board/husband, nor is it his place to help her.

lys84 · April 2010

i agree with all the other responses. however to play devils advocate, you mentioned that he was friends with her before you were married and has always had a lot of female friends. did it bother you before you were married?

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

lys84:
i agree with all the other responses. however to play devils advocate, you mentioned that he was friends with her before you were married and has always had a lot of female friends. did it bother you before you were married?

Ok they were friends since like 3rd grade however for many years they were not in touch (we did not even invite her and her brother to our wedding because they had loss touch) so I did not see any issue...he had other females as friends before we were married and I did speak up about what boundaries that I thought were necessary but I never made him give up the friendships.

Spenjamins · April 2010

Reality check - you have asked him to stop and he refuses. You asked him again....and he has no desire to stop. And this has been with multiple women? And now you are reduced to spending your days checking up on him?

Time to wake up - this guy has absolutely no respect for you. And he and his "heifers" - yep, all of them, are laughing at you behind your back while they carry on....

EIDT: And you are pregnant? Seriously?

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

Spenjamins:
Reality check - you have asked him to stop and he refuses. You asked him again....and he has no desire to stop. And this has been with multiple women? And now you are reduced to spending your days checking up on him?

Time to wake up - this guy has absolutely no respect for you. And he and his "heifers" - yep, all of them, are laughing at you behind your back while they carry on....

EIDT: And you are pregnant? Seriously?

Seriously ...

HarrietNJMommy · April 2010

I don't think that having a "talk" with your DH is really going to help if this is consistent behavior on his part that hasn't changed. Maybe you two can seek counseling. It might help to have an outside perspective on the whole situation.

GL!

MAprincess · April 2010

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex and we are both totally laid back about it. That said, I don't think he has ever texted ANYONE that many times. Also, if he had, he would have said to me, "So, I was talking to Mary today and you wouldn't believe. . . . " and he'd tell me the whole story. I wouldn't have found out from the phone bill. That is the part that would have bothered me.

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

DH came home from work today for lunch and he asked if I was ok (I don't have the best poker face) I told him I am fine, but he said you seem a little sad... He said "did I do anything?" I told him no, then I said yes but I don't really want to talk about it right now. He asked why and I said it's not a good time. I think I definitely want counseling but I am not sure that it is in the budget right now, and I don't know if our insurance covers it.

They offer it at church but Idk if I want to go that route.

detroitblondie · April 2010

I agree with just about everybody's advice- confront him (without jumping to conclusions), confront her (on going back on her word), maybe set an ultimatum. There is absolutely zero reason why he should be texting ANY woman that much when he's married. I wholeheartedly believe that his only close female friend should be you and vice versa. YOU are his wife and his vows were made to you. Seriously, GO TO YOUR PASTOR and have him counsel you guys. There is probably no better help than your pastor in pretty much every matter- he has a vested interest in this. On top of that, start praying about it & ask for God's blessing over your marriage. He WILL turn this around for you as long as you just believe.

Spenjamins · April 2010

detroitblondie:
I agree with just about everybody's advice- confront him (without jumping to conclusions), confront her (on going back on her word), maybe set an ultimatum. There is absolutely zero reason why he should be texting ANY woman that much when he's married. I wholeheartedly believe that his only close female friend should be you and vice versa. YOU are his wife and his vows were made to you. Seriously, GO TO YOUR PASTOR and have him counsel you guys. There is probably no better help than your pastor in pretty much every matter- he has a vested interest in this. On top of that, start praying about it & ask for God's blessing over your marriage. He WILL turn this around for you as long as you just believe.

Lord. So women who leave their husbands because they are seial cheaters (like the OP) are non-believers?

Soon_2B_MrsM · April 2010

Spenjamins:
detroitblondie:
I agree with just about everybody's advice- confront him (without jumping to conclusions), confront her (on going back on her word), maybe set an ultimatum. There is absolutely zero reason why he should be texting ANY woman that much when he's married. I wholeheartedly believe that his only close female friend should be you and vice versa. YOU are his wife and his vows were made to you. Seriously, GO TO YOUR PASTOR and have him counsel you guys. There is probably no better help than your pastor in pretty much every matter- he has a vested interest in this. On top of that, start praying about it & ask for God's blessing over your marriage. He WILL turn this around for you as long as you just believe.

Lord. So women who leave their husbands because they are seial cheaters (like the OP) are non-believers?

My DH has not cheated on me...

drreidlover · April 2010

I feel for you (especially being pregnant) but it really bugs me when women say they trust their husbands but not other women. I mean come on. If you 100% trust him it shouldn't really matter right? I did have a very good male friend before I got married. DH was always hesitant about him. Then one night when I was in a fight with DH, this "friend" told me he loved me. So my DH was right to be hesitant. So I cut off contact as harsh as it was. While I do believe men and women can be just friends, everything should be out in the open. Good Luck in talking to your husband about it.

lms_bride · April 2010

Some thoughts...

- You need to be having the sit-down discussion with your husband, not with the female friend. Frankly, she is not a part of the equation. Yes, she is texting him too but HE is the problem because HE is the one married to YOU. I'd cut off communication with her and focus on him. You are married to him.

- I agree with others, talk to your pastor and get into the church counseling, especially if it is less expensive/free. At minimum, you and your husband need some outside perspective on this and friendships/marriage in general.

- Your husband sounds like he has a little growing up to do. I am personally ok with opposite-sex friendships as long as they are kept at a minimum number and minimum level (ie, an email or phone call here or there). Your husband seems to think he can do whatever he want without regard to your feelings (at least in this situation) and his large number of friendships/frequent contact with his female friends seems to somehow indicate maybe he likes/needs a lot of attention.

Hang in there and good luck with things... hopefully this is sorted out soon.

Fringle · April 2010

Soon_2B_MrsM:
..DH does listen and he stops for a little while until he thinks I have forgotten about the situation, then he feels the need to "catch up" with people all over again...its like no matter what he doesn't see a problem, because he feels he is not cheating so he tells me that it is nothing....

But cheating is not really the central issue here. The central issue is that you, as his wife, have explained that this relationship makes you uncomfortable and yet he chooses to pursue it anyway. Maybe it is 100% innocent. But if my husband, the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with and father my children, told me a relationship I had was making him uncomfortable I would break it off. I would tell him that I need to call/text/email/talk to this person one more time just to let them know that I could not pursue this relationship any more. I would tell my 'friend' that my relationship with my husband is too important to me to put jeapordy for any other friendship and that's why they would not be hearing from me again.

Look into counseling. If you want to go to a counselor rather than your pastor you could always see if an intern could see you for a reduced rate. (Marriage counseling is rarely covered by insurance.)

detroitblondie · April 2010

Spenjamins:
detroitblondie:
I agree with just about everybody's advice- confront him (without jumping to conclusions), confront her (on going back on her word), maybe set an ultimatum. There is absolutely zero reason why he should be texting ANY woman that much when he's married. I wholeheartedly believe that his only close female friend should be you and vice versa. YOU are his wife and his vows were made to you. Seriously, GO TO YOUR PASTOR and have him counsel you guys. There is probably no better help than your pastor in pretty much every matter- he has a vested interest in this. On top of that, start praying about it & ask for God's blessing over your marriage. He WILL turn this around for you as long as you just believe.

Lord. So women who leave their husbands because they are seial cheaters (like the OP) are non-believers?

What does that even mean? First of all, he hasn't cheated. Secondly, she mentioned counseling at their church is an option. I was just offering her a little encouragement.

Lucy_Plus_One! · April 2010

I am wondering... was it really 60 text messages? Or are you rounding up by like 50? Because that is a ton. I would be super pissed off about it. To be honest, I would want to see the texts.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You need to have a talk with your DH and tell him that, regardless of what might not be going on, he is making it look like he is cheating, and that seed of doubt in your mind is awful... especially when you are pregnant.

Seriously, he needs a good whack to the forehead. Its stupid and disrespectful for him to act this way after you already talked about it.

Hang in there!

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SO Sick of being the jealous wife...please help!-Kinda long

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