(NTTGPR) strange question

lmj8284 · April 2010

this is totally a strange question but since there are so many of you on this board i figured i'd use it as a resource.

my father passed away last year and was creamated. we still have his ashes and are unsure of what to do with them. he didn't want to be buried in a cemetary so thats out. it's illegal to just dump them somewhere or scatter them in a lake. i'm at a loss.

my husband does have alot of private family land in the country we could scatter them there...i'm just not feeling "at peace" about it though.

do any of you ladies have any suggestions? he can't keep hanging out in a plastic box on my sisters bookcase:)

Thanks! and sorry for the random question.

brookelynpaisley · April 2010

I'm very sorry for your loss. Are you not feeling at peace about actually scattering them or because your DH's family land wouldn't have been meaningful to him?

Are you open to an urn or something nicer to keep him in? Were your parents married when he passed? Is there somewhere that was meaningful to them that's on private land where you could place him?

McMrs · April 2010

I'm sorry for your loss.

If your father didn't want to be buried in a cemetary did he leave any indication of what he wanted?

Mysh · April 2010

I have to say I wasn't expecting a question like this at all. I have never had a family member cremated so I don't have any personal experience to offer, however do you think that if you were able to have some sort of ceremony at your DHs family's land that you might be able to feel more at peace?

I don't know what the laws are on this, but would it be possible to contact a place your father loved (park, golf course, etc) and maybe bury his ashes there with their permission?

Winkski15 · April 2010

If it were me, i'd scatter the ashes somewhere that either meant something to that person or somewhere that they may have always wanted to go. You may have be sneaky and/or creative about how you scatter them, but I think you'll feel better once you have placed them somewhere you feel good about.

Foutzie44 · April 2010

I really am curious to see some answers....my dad passed away last April, and is still sitting at my moms house! We also are at a loss as to what to do with him....He was a big hunter and wanted to be scattered in the woods somewhere so we may just go ahead and do it....

good luck, I hope you find some helpful suggestions...and so very sorry for the loss of your Dad, I know how hard it is

denitab · April 2010

That's not a strange question. I recently had a conversation with my Dad about his wishes to be cremated. He wants his ashes scattered at his favorite places.

Do you know if your father had a favorite place that he liked to go? I would suggest scattering his ashes at that place. I don't really like the idea of just scattering them any old place.

Another option, is to bury your father in a special location in your yard. Then plant a tree in that area & turn it into a garden of remembrance.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry for your loss.

LovesPie · April 2010

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Usually when someone is cremated they have a desire to be scattered in a particular place. Did your dad give any indication of where he might want his ashes scattered? You can always look into mausoleums or other places that don't involve burial but some form of entombment above ground. I'm not sure if its illegal to scatter ashes anywhere. You may have to get some sort of permit to scatter them in a public place like a lake or field. Good luck.

knighec · April 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss, and this difficult decision that you now have to face. My grandmother and her sister divided the ashes of her parents since my gm lives in US and her sister in UK. My GM buried hers and I'm not sure what my aunt did. I also know people who just keep them in a nice urn in their home. My church has a memory garden area that is similar to a cemetery for putting ashes, either spreading them or having a place for them in a reflecting wall. Maybe somewhere close to you has a place like that?

lmj8284 · April 2010

wow! i really didn't expect that many responses...thank you all so much!

we knew he wanted to be creamated but didn't really have a chance before he died to talk about where he would want his ashes.

my dad had lived in CA for the past 8 years and died there, i'm in NE and they had to ship his ashes to me. Theres not really any place of significance here in NE that i can think he would like to be placed at. he did live here for many many years but the parks and lakes that we always visited it's illegal to scatter ashes there. but i'm not opposed to doing it anyway....discretely (sp?).

i do however like the idea of just burying them in my yard and planting a bush or something over him. thank you so much for that idea!

you all are so great, i really mean that!

itsmegin · April 2010

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my father. It must still be hard.

Secondly, this is going to sound very crass and gross, but I want to be honest to help you make your decision. My grandfather was cremated and we did the whole scatter the ashes in the ocean thing. I hated it. I would never do it again. It was awful, windy, gross, and not at all the pleasant, wonderful send off we expected.

The wind blew the ashes back in our faces, it got in our mouths and eyes, on our skin. It was creepy and odd and just felt wrong. There was a lot of ash, and it still had bits of bone in it, so it was a gruesome, visceral reminder of exactly what we were doing. It was not pleasant.

I definitely don't feel "at peace" with the way we did it, even though it was what he requested. It was awful. If I were you, I would either keep the box as is, or, if you feel you must and it was what he wanted, scatter on the land, but make sure it's a calm, still day, and steel yourself for what the ashes will really be like.

Sorry to be graphic, I hope it's not upsetting to you. It was upsetting for all of us and I would never want another family to do that thinking it would be "nice."

willamina28 · April 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss, that must be a hard deciscion for you.

I've had two family members cremated, one was set in a stone wall with kind of like a drawer with a plaque. The other was my grandpa who died last year. He was a Navy Captain though, so his ashes were taken on an aircraft carrier out to see with a ceremony.

Maybe not a lake but an ocean? Or something to do with something that was a hobby? So even if he didn't have any special place where you currently live, maybe something that he enjoyed doing.

I might hesitate to use your own yard, because what if you end up moving to another house someday?

LovesPie · April 2010

itsmegin:
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my father. It must still be hard.
Secondly, this is going to sound very crass and gross, but I want to be honest to help you make your decision. My grandfather was cremated and we did the whole scatter the ashes in the ocean thing. I hated it. I would never do it again. It was awful, windy, gross, and not at all the pleasant, wonderful send off we expected.
The wind blew the ashes back in our faces, it got in our mouths and eyes, on our skin. It was creepy and odd and just felt wrong. There was a lot of ash, and it still had bits of bone in it, so it was a gruesome, visceral reminder of exactly what we were doing. It was not pleasant.
I definitely don't feel "at peace" with the way we did it, even though it was what he requested. It was awful. If I were you, I would either keep the box as is, or, if you feel you must and it was what he wanted, scatter on the land, but make sure it's a calm, still day, and steel yourself for what the ashes will really be like.
Sorry to be graphic, I hope it's not upsetting to you. It was upsetting for all of us and I would never want another family to do that thinking it would be "nice."

Oh, itsmegin, I'm sorry to hear about this. ((hugs))((great big hugs))

BethanyJayne · April 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mom has my step father in a pretty box that one of his friends that was a woodworker made for her. Have you thought about something like that or an urn, or would you rather not keep his ashes at all? I know some people don't like the idea of holding onto ashes.

My paternal grandmother was cremeated and we burried her in our garden. My grandfather passed about 15 years later and they actually dug her urn up and put her in with his casket.

lmj8284 · April 2010

itsmegin:

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my father. It must still be hard.

Secondly, this is going to sound very crass and gross, but I want to be honest to help you make your decision. My grandfather was cremated and we did the whole scatter the ashes in the ocean thing. I hated it. I would never do it again. It was awful, windy, gross, and not at all the pleasant, wonderful send off we expected.

The wind blew the ashes back in our faces, it got in our mouths and eyes, on our skin. It was creepy and odd and just felt wrong. There was a lot of ash, and it still had bits of bone in it, so it was a gruesome, visceral reminder of exactly what we were doing. It was not pleasant.

I definitely don't feel "at peace" with the way we did it, even though it was what he requested. It was awful. If I were you, I would either keep the box as is, or, if you feel you must and it was what he wanted, scatter on the land, but make sure it's a calm, still day, and steel yourself for what the ashes will really be like.

Sorry to be graphic, I hope it's not upsetting to you. It was upsetting for all of us and I would never want another family to do that thinking it would be "nice."

omigosh, i am so sorry you had that experience! thank you for sharing though. i haven't even looked at the ashes but i have heard there are pieces of bone in them. thank you for your advice.

lmj8284 · April 2010

BethanyJayne:

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mom has my step father in a pretty box that one of his friends that was a woodworker made for her. Have you thought about something like that or an urn, or would you rather not keep his ashes at all? I know some people don't like the idea of holding onto ashes.

My paternal grandmother was cremeated and we burried her in our garden. My grandfather passed about 15 years later and they actually dug her urn up and put her in with his casket.

ya know, i just don't feel right about keeping them. i would rather him be returned to the earth. i'm really leaning towards placing him in our yard and planting a pretty bush or tree over him. i'm not sure we'll live there forever but we did just buy our house and plan on staying there for the next 10-15 years at least.

lmj8284 · April 2010

Foutzie44:

I really am curious to see some answers....my dad passed away last April, and is still sitting at my moms house! We also are at a loss as to what to do with him....He was a big hunter and wanted to be scattered in the woods somewhere so we may just go ahead and do it....

good luck, I hope you find some helpful suggestions...and so very sorry for the loss of your Dad, I know how hard it is

thank you! i'm so sorry for your loss as well.

xmaystarx · April 2010

itsmegin:
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my father. It must still be hard.
Secondly, this is going to sound very crass and gross, but I want to be honest to help you make your decision. My grandfather was cremated and we did the whole scatter the ashes in the ocean thing. I hated it. I would never do it again. It was awful, windy, gross, and not at all the pleasant, wonderful send off we expected.
The wind blew the ashes back in our faces, it got in our mouths and eyes, on our skin. It was creepy and odd and just felt wrong. There was a lot of ash, and it still had bits of bone in it, so it was a gruesome, visceral reminder of exactly what we were doing. It was not pleasant.
I definitely don't feel "at peace" with the way we did it, even though it was what he requested. It was awful. If I were you, I would either keep the box as is, or, if you feel you must and it was what he wanted, scatter on the land, but make sure it's a calm, still day, and steel yourself for what the ashes will really be like.
Sorry to be graphic, I hope it's not upsetting to you. It was upsetting for all of us and I would never want another family to do that thinking it would be "nice."

First off, so sorry for your loss as well as the loss of OP. I had a similar experience with my Grandpa's ashes. He passed quite a while ago now and loved the beach. We brought some of his ashes to his favorite beach (not crowded, small CT beach) and though we didn't get ashes in the face they did just seem to flutter back towards the beach and end up in the sand. If they did get into the water, the waves sort of brought them back on the beach. My grandpa also loved baseball and played in the minor league way back when but had never been to Fenway park despite living in CT. So my mom took some of his ashes and very sneakily sprinkled a little over the green monster at Fenway. I think he would have loved that. Other than that, my mom still has the rest of his ashes in a box in her closet. I don't think there are any other plans for the rest of them.

I like your idea of planting a nice shrub or tree in his honor and with the ashes. It's a living memorial.

JNJ83097 · April 2010

Sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. My Dad passed away in October of last year and was cremated. We just had his memorial service last Wednesday and he was buried at a cemetary. His wish was to have this done in the Spring. It was very had to feel complete closure prior to this. We kept some of the ashes and will scatter them at the beach (even though technically it's not allowed). It's a very small amount. It's hard to say what you should do if he didn't leave any wishes as to what he would have wanted. I would try to do whatever feels best for you and gives you closure. Good luck!

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