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Pregnant after a Loss
monica92603
member
17 weeks and DO.NOT. want to tell mom or MIL (long)
monica92603
member
not one person in our families know yet and I am just perfectly fine w/ it. None of our really close friends know. The only people that know are my coworkers. H keeps joking if we're ever telling anyone ever. I think he wants to but will respect how I feel. We've been on the same page through all of this and that won't change.
I do not feel like dealing w/ my mom or his at all. It is going to be a TOTAL nightmare and I have no doubt about that. After we lost our baby last year, my mom was hell bent on figuring out a "reason" it happened. She would grill me constantly, question after question about everything. Questioning my OB and if she made a mistake. If it were up to my mom, I'm sure there would have been a lawsuit. I finally had to tell her to shut up and stop asking me questions. There was no reason. It was sh!tty luck and she needed to accept it b/c I had. So I can't even imagine the questions that will come once she knows I'm pg.
MIL will be worse. H and I dealt with things the best we could and did things the way WE wanted to. We shared nothing w/ others b/c there was a lot we didn't find out ourselves. She forced a mass on us w/ her friends and family (aka was having it with or without us, never asked what we thought) that we didn't want after we decided we didn't want a service. She came down about 2 weeks after our loss and sat in our living room and pretty much demanded answers b/c she was the grandmother and had a "right" to them. Since when did anyone get more entitled to anything other than H and I?
MIL and my mother got in an arguement the day we lost the baby about who was going to be there more for us. SERIOUSLY?
ok, I know they had to greive but forcing themselves on us was not the answer. We wanted to be alone w/ each other. We honestly think they took it worse than us. I don't think it was our job to make them feel better. I can't think of anyway to make that sound less harsh.
Anyway, not really looking for advice but feel free, just really needed to get it out b/c it's been on my mind a lot lately. They both live an hour away so it is easy to avoid them just in case anyone is wondering how I've gotten away w/ it so far.
BFP #1 5/10/06 ...m/mc @11.5w 6/29/06 D&C 6/30/06
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 17 weeks and DO.NOT. want to tell mom or MIL (long)
BFP/Labor/Everything Buddy: Papetvet/Erpetdoc
First of all I am so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on this pregnancy and I hope all goes perfectly for you.
I am sorry that your mom and MIL are making things difficult for you. They need to be supportive of you and your H, but it sounds like their own egos and overdeveloped sense of entitlement is getting in the way. At some point you will need to share the news with them, but you'll just need to be prepared to either deal with the barrage of questions or to tell them right off the bat what it is you need from them. If they can't support you the way you need them to, then they can't have a civil relationship with you, your H and the baby. Maybe that sounds harsh, and I don't really mean it to because I don't know your whole situation, but maybe a little tough love on the grandmas is what's in order here.
I hope for everyone's sake they can get over themselves and be there for the three of you. Good luck and keep us updated.
Thanks for the hugs!
I figure I have no choice but to tell them next month. I will be in MIL's area for work for 3 days and there is no way I can avoid her. The week after that, I have a family graduation party that I will see my mother at.
Not to sound insensitive (again) but I couldn't care less if they are offended I didn't tell them sooner. This isn't about their comfort, it's about ours.
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
You are not being insensitive at all! They are the ones who are being insensitive. Obviously they could not put themselves in your shoes and just be there during your time of need. It truly is about your comfort and sanity.
I understand why this is such a tremendous burden for your and H right now.
I can't imagine losing a baby so far along, and then having to deal with other people's emotions...
You'll know when the time is right. And you might want to announce it in a format like a card, so they have to shut up and listen
Good luck with your decision! And good luck with your pregnancy!
I totally feel for you. I would not want them stressing me out either. I kept thinking as I was reading - I wonder if it's possible for her to go through her entire pregnancy without telling them - and then just call to say guess what we have a baby now - probably not.
My only advice is maybe you can have dh run interference for you when MIL finds out and maybe a sibling or aunt can deal with your mom so you don't have to deal with it.
I hope that when everything does come to light you will have people that help you - not further worry you.
We have definitely considered this. I could definitely avoid MIL till then and let H deal w/ seeing her and say I'm just always working. Even w/ my working in her area next month, I COULD just go home each night and not stay at their house.
I only see my mom every month or so, not often at all. I just saw her for Easter/her birthday, but I don't think I could get away w/ not seeing her for or near mothers day even if I skipped the family party.
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
:::hugs:::
I am scared of telling my family, but they have not put me through what yours have put your and yoru H through. We are 13 weeks, and are not planning on telling before 15-16 weeks. My DH jokes with me too about when we are finally going to bite the bullet. Best of luck to you. I think that you both need to be very frank with them about what you expect, and how they let you down with your loss.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
Hi Monica, I am so happy to see that you are 17 weeks! Congratulations!
I totally feel your pain with the mothers. Mine was almost that bad, and we barely talk anymore because of it. I told her when I shared the news that I didn't want to talk about it all the time. Whenever she asks questions I am very short with her and its pretty obvious that she needs to stop. Same thing with MIL. I wish we lived farther away but I can't really help that right now.
I don't care either who is offended, people need to back off and let you deal with your pregnancy in whatever way you see fit. It's only going to get worse when your LO arrives and you have to deal with them even more. I'm totally dreading that!
Anyway, I wish I had better advice for you, but I haven't figured it out yet either. Big hugs and I hope they leave you alone!
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
See - it is times like these that I wish I knew you IRL - cause I would totally be there not only to back you up, but to put those women in their place the MOMENT they open their mouth about ANYTHING. I am not kidding. Who the f do they think they are? I am so sorry about your loss and there is nothing that pisses me off more than someone going through such a loss but then doing it with this sort of family drama... augh... I am discusted FOR you... I am sorry I am not their to put them in line for ya!!!
I like the card idea, but knowing them, they would be all "I am the GRANDMA and I find out through a CARD?"
So it would be best to sit down with your DH and figure out how you want to say that you are pg and the type of support that you expect from people that CARE about you and that if you aren't going to be treated the way you expect then they can expect not to be a part of this pregnancy (and if needed) expect to have a very small role in the baby's life as well...
It is always good to have a plan of attack and know that you and DH know exactly how you are going to handle it...
I am sorry you are going through this crap. Pisses me off... can't imagine how you feel....
I am so sorry you had to deal with any of this. I can't imagine how painful it must have been for you.
Keep them in the dark as long as you wish. It doesn't sound like it will bring much peace involving them in the pregnancy.
I sympathize with you. My mother and I have had a strained relationship since my second loss. She said all the wrong things and also wanted "answers." She wasn't helpful during all the testing I had afterwards to find out if there was anything wrong with me and said a lot of hurtful things. My third loss/pregnancy as a whole was revealed to her only because she was insinuating I was being a "bad" mother to my sick 15 month old. I had to explain to her that I was sleeping in the middle of the day because I had been in the ER all night myself after hemorraging because my body was trying to flush the dead baby out. It suddenly became all about her and how upset that she was because I hadn't even told her I was pregnant (I was 11 weeks). I was "too private" and she felt closed out. It made the experience so much worse.
Hang in there.