Babies: 0 - 3 Months

The fight about breastfeeding...(long!)

Up until the point my DH has been great. He was awesome during delivery and the first 6 weeks PP. Granted I do the MAJORITY of baby care. DH works from about 9 am until 6 pm M-F and 2 nights a week he runs after work (he runs marathons).He also does a 3 hour run on the weekends and every other weekend gets out for a round of golf with the guys. Which is all fine. But it leaves 90% of diaper changing, playing, etc to me. At night DH has been sleeping in the spare room bc he was way to cranky getting up with LO every two hours to feed-(we co-sleep with LO in his PNP next to the bed). DH is fine with sleeping seperate and has only made a couple comments about when will LO STTN. However-----he knows that LO will do that when he is ready/ The problem we are having is sex. We had sex last weekend and I have to be honest-I am NOT in the mood. I made a comment a couple of weeks ago about how LO constantly being on the boob makes me feel less sexy and now DH cant let it go. Last night when I didnt want to have sex he was like "its fine...I went 5 months I can go longer"...UGH!!!

 Sometimes during the day LO cluster feeds or feeds for 5-8 min, takes a break for 20 min and then goes back to the boob. I EBF and I look for his cues. DH can't help but makes comments like this morning saying to LO "wow you went 49 whole minutes without mommy feeding you-it must be a record". Seriously? WTF! I am proud of how well BF has gone-and I AM FEEDING HIM ON DEMAND!!! Plus its really not every hour-its really every 2 or sometimes 3. He is 8 weeks old!!! It makes me feel like such ***. DH has no idea what an ass he is being and I sure as hell told him he needs to stop with the comments. I know this is about sex-because I am not as into it as before. I feel bad about us not being as intimate...ugh..sorry this was so long but today is a crap day...:(

Re: The fight about breastfeeding...(long!)

  • BF is hard enough without these comments. It also sort of sounds as if he is resentful towards your DS, which worries me. You have to address this a lot harder, because you are going to need his support through it all.

    DH does make comments about DS feeding, but I know he is joking. His comments are usually around the ballpark of "you're a luck man" or "I wish I were you". We do have a sexual relationship, but it is not back to normal and he was not out during the whole pg.

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  • It sounds like your problem is NOT just about sex. Your H sounds like he is/was unprepared for the physical and mental demands of having a newborn, specifically what it requires of YOU.

    If he's making these passive-aggressive whiny remarks about how often baby needs to eat (!?!) and how long he's gone without sex (waaah) then you need to have a "come to Jesus" chat with him, IMO.

    Maybe after your LO goes to sleep for one of his longer stretches, and your H is home, sit him down. Thank him for everything he has done and continues to do, but explain that this tension is destructive and divisive.Tell him that being pg-- though wonderful-- was a tremendous drain on you, and that you're sorry you weren't as intimate as you had been in the past.

    Further explain that the 6w PP date is not some magic, "all systems GO" time that means you'll be back to his purely sexual wife.

    You're a mother now, AND HE IS A FATHER, and priorities shift, especially when you are EBFing. Stress that you look forward to a "new normal" sex life, but that he needs to understand that as long as baby is EBFing 'round the clock, he needs to support this outstanding boost you're giving your kid, and know that he is MORE important to you than ever...

    Well, that's what I'd try, anyway. GL...

  • I don't have much advice, but what your H is doing to you is not right.  He should be supporting you as much as possible and making rude remarks and checking out 90% of the time isn't the answer.  You definitely need to have a serious discussion with him about how you're feeling and what you need from him.  I'm a firm believer that if something like this goes unchecked it can turn in to huge problems down the road.  H also needs the opportunity to discuss with you how he is feeling.
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  • It is time to move LO out of your room and DH back in.  Co-sleeping is not working for your family if DH moved to another room.  I think that would help tremendously.  It is not as convenient, but it is worth it to put the marriage first.

    As far as BF, if you are feeding that much, I think you are as much of a pacifier as a food source.  Every time LO roots/sucks, he does not need boob.  Sometimes they just need to suck.  Also, I doubt LO is really hungry every 2 hours at night at 2 months old.  My LO wakes up and fusses during the night, but goes back to sleep. 

  • I went through similar things with my DH when we had DD.  Part of it seems that your DH didn't realize how much time a baby takes up.  He probably also is missing you, and sex normally is a good way to connect.  Like others have said, you and your DH need to talk about this.  He needs to stop making the snide comments in your direction, and he needs to understand how what he is doing is making you feel.  He should also explain his feelings to you so you can understand how he is feeling.  The two of you need to find some sort of compramise in this.

    With me and my DH, we agreed that he would try to be more understanding of my feelings, and he started helping more with the baby, so I got some time to myself.  In return, I tried to work more time in for the two of us to be together, whether for sex or otherwise.  I also tried to not let my lack of libido get in the way of being intimate.

    I hope that you two will work this out. Good luck!

  • imageBabyLove987:

    It is time to move LO out of your room and DH back in.  Co-sleeping is not working for your family if DH moved to another room.  I think that would help tremendously.  It is not as convenient, but it is worth it to put the marriage first 

    I disagree with this.  Of course your marriage is extremely important, but the decision to move LO to another room should be something that you and DH make together based upon what's best for everyone not just DH.  Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but from the way I'm reading it DH needs to suck it up and start acting like a father, i.e. putting the baby first.  I don't think you should even consider moving LO just to appease DH. 

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  • imagesbevmc09:
    imageBabyLove987:

    It is time to move LO out of your room and DH back in.  Co-sleeping is not working for your family if DH moved to another room.  I think that would help tremendously.  It is not as convenient, but it is worth it to put the marriage first 

    I disagree with this.  Of course your marriage is extremely important, but the decision to move LO to another room should be something that you and DH make together based upon what's best for everyone not just DH.  Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but from the way I'm reading it DH needs to suck it up and start acting like a father, i.e. putting the baby first.  I don't think you should even consider moving LO just to appease DH. 

    I agree that where LO sleeps should be made together, but if DH moved to another room, it doesn't sound like LO being in their room was a decision that they made together.  And if DH moved to another room, then LO in their room isn't best for everyone.

  • imageBabyLove987:
    imagesbevmc09:
    imageBabyLove987:

    It is time to move LO out of your room and DH back in.  Co-sleeping is not working for your family if DH moved to another room.  I think that would help tremendously.  It is not as convenient, but it is worth it to put the marriage first 

    I disagree with this.  Of course your marriage is extremely important, but the decision to move LO to another room should be something that you and DH make together based upon what's best for everyone not just DH.  Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but from the way I'm reading it DH needs to suck it up and start acting like a father, i.e. putting the baby first.  I don't think you should even consider moving LO just to appease DH. 

    I agree that where LO sleeps should be made together, but if DH moved to another room, it doesn't sound like LO being in their room was a decision that they made together.  And if DH moved to another room, then LO in their room isn't best for everyone.

    This.  But there should be a conversation about this first. 

    DH and I had planned to have DS in our room in a cradle until the risk for SIDS was lessened.  I figured it'd make feeding him at night easier, that we'd get more sleep by not having to go to another room and I thought it was a better idea for all of us.  Then reality set in and it didn't work.  We spent one night not sleeping at all.  Even if one was taking care of DS, with a table-side light on and DS making noises, none of us slept. 

    DS has slept in his crib since night two.  I haven't regretted this decision in the least.  It got him used to his crib right away and it made sure that DH and I were both able to get the sleep we needed.

    My point, is that we made this decision together.  OP needs to decide how important it is to co-sleep.  It shouldn't be able putting baby before husband or vice versa.  It should be able coming together as a family and making an agreement for what is acceptable to all family members.

    Also, OP needs to have a talk with DH.  Yes, his behavior is showing that he might not of been prepared for fatherhood.  Not all men are.  But he needs to man up and they need to figure out what works for them together.  His comments aren't helping, but they are showing he is having problems adjusting that need addressed.

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  • BACKGROUND- we made the decision TOGETHER that co-sleeping was important to us. LO is in his PnP in our room. After the first week DH decided that he slept better downstairs bc LO was up every 2 hour or so. I forgot to mention he is up NOT just to eat-but he had REALLY bad diaper rash (staph infection) and I HAD to change him at least every 2 hours at night per doc. Now that that is cleared LO sleeps from about 10 or 11 pm till 2 or 3 am most nights then after feeding goes back to sleep til about 6 or 7. However DH goes to bed at about 1 am....so waking back up at 2 or 3 leaves leaves him grumpy for work. HE wanted to move and doesnt really want me to move LO bc he would still hear him cry if I had to get up and get him-his crib is in his room right across the hall or on the monitor. I dont think LO will sleep more than he is if moved since he is already in his own bed in the room. The co-sleeping doesnt appear to be a problem for DH-although I will bring it up that I would love to have him back in bed. I truly feel like DH and I do need to have an honest heart to heart and get to the root of his passive aggressive comments. I will try also to be better as mentioned about really reading LO's cues. Most often he eats 2-3 hours in the day but I admit when all else is copacetic (diaper, etc) and he is fussy I do put him on the breast to calm him. We give him a paci at night in bed and when in his car seat...I appreciate all the advice tho.
  • To respond to a pp... some babies do indeed need to nurse every 2 hours at night at 2 months old.  Maybe yours doesn't but, as you know, every baby is not the same.

    And I'm all for giving yourself time as a couple as it's important for your relationship but I also feel baby takes top priority in the beginning.  You have to make a mutally agreeable decision as to how to handle this... considering what's best for DC. 

    You could talk to DH and see what exactly would make him happy - once a week, etc.  You could also tell him something that would make you happy, like an hour each weekend day to yourself to rest, watch tv, whatever.  You do need to take care of each other. 

  • imageBabyLove987:

    Also, I doubt LO is really hungry every 2 hours at night at 2 months old.  My LO wakes up and fusses during the night, but goes back to sleep. 

    I have an almost 2.5 month old who eats every 2-3 hours all day/night.  He is not using me as a pacifier, he's actually eating/swallowing.  Dr. says some babies do this and there's nothing wrong with it. 

    As far as your hubby, I don't think he's saying these things to be mean necessarily, but he is showing you that he is having difficulty adjusting to the family change.  He may feel left out and not really know how to express it other than making snide comments.   Sounds a lot like my DH, I always have to sit him down and pull whatever's bothering him out of him.

    Definitely have a heart to heart when the baby is sleep to get to the bottom of what's going on.  Good luck.

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  • Thanks everyone! I appreciate the support. Its really hard being a new mom and trying to re-figure out how to be a wife too. Its so helpful to be able to hear from all of you.
  • imageMzshell13:
    imageBabyLove987:

    Also, I doubt LO is really hungry every 2 hours at night at 2 months old.  My LO wakes up and fusses during the night, but goes back to sleep. 

    I have an almost 2.5 month old who eats every 2-3 hours all day/night.  He is not using me as a pacifier, he's actually eating/swallowing.  Dr. says some babies do this and there's nothing wrong with it. 

    As far as your hubby, I don't think he's saying these things to be mean necessarily, but he is showing you that he is having difficulty adjusting to the family change.  He may feel left out and not really know how to express it other than making snide comments.   Sounds a lot like my DH, I always have to sit him down and pull whatever's bothering him out of him.

    Definitely have a heart to heart when the baby is sleep to get to the bottom of what's going on.  Good luck.

    I guess all doctors give different advice as far as feeding.  Our pediatrician told us not to feed LO more than every 2.5 hours once my milk came in, so that is the advice we've followed since 1 week.  She said if LO eats more frequently than that, LO wouldn't be getting the hind milk and that she would be snacking more than eating and be using it as a pacifier and eating when not hungry.  It was really hard not to feed LO more often and to wait the 2.5 hours at the beginning, because I was bad at reading LO's hunger cues and I didn't really know how to comfort LO other than by feeding her.  After a while I got better at comforting LO without food and better at reading her cues.  Our pediatrician says that by 1 month LO should be eating 5-8 times a day (which she would exceed if she was eating every two hours).

  • Your H is telling you he needs attention too! Maybe it's an immature way but it's his way! Before baby your boobs were his, now they aren't... Before baby your attention was strictly on him now it's not! And from the way it sounds you aren't making your marriage/h a priority! LO sleeps in our room in the PnP but DH andi have intimate time together EVERY night! Sometimes this leads to sex but sometimes it's just us cuddling and calling asleep! Maybe H needs tocome to bed sooner than 1AM then he wouldn't be so upset if baby wakes at 2 or 3 and get a nightlight don't use the lamp on the sidetable. I haveanightlight that both of us can sleep with on so when LO wakesup at 3 I immediatlyget him before he starts fussing too loudly, change him, feed him andput him back down without turning on a light and it doesn't disturb DH at all!!! Figure out a new system and take the time to make your marriage a priority before its too late!! As soon as me and DH started having intimate time with each other again ouf problems got alot less noticable
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