To get a glimpse of what type of MIL (kind of long)

scatterbrainliz · April 2010

I have, here's an email she sent us. It's just two of the paragraphs from her email:

I hope you know that i share your grief and pain. I too have lost the dream of my son having a child. We put alot into our children and we pray to be around to see them having fulfilled, happy lives with every good thing in the world. We sacrifice in our younger years hoping to reap the rewards in our later years especially that our families will continue once we are gone.

The only thing I would really, really advise the two of you NOT to do is to cut yourself off from the rest of the world, especially the people who love you. It has not been easy to stay close to you and I do tire of making the effort without feeling that you are also making an effort toward us. It's very important to your mental health and your future well being to stay involved!!!!

The financial help they're offering is a blessing yet a curse. If we tell them No, they'll think we think we're too good for a handout. It's a no-win situation.

On top of this, my FIL called my husband this morning to ask us to attend their anniversary dinner tonight and he even asked his daughter who lives in MD to come too. No prior planning....so last minute. Only positive side is we get a free meal.

njohnson1972 · April 2010

Too much drama for me (I mean your MIL.)

Enjoy the free dinner!

catery18 · April 2010

the last paragraph is annoying to me...i know what she means about not hibernating but just the way she wrote it...DRAMAZ!!

sorry you have to deal with that though!

c1311 · April 2010

I have MIL like this and it is one of many reasons she doesn't know anything about our infertility. Nice how she makes YOUR infertility about HER. Hope you survive the dinner intact.

LaneyLooLoo · April 2010

What type of MIL do you think you have? I want to be "on your side" and agree with you, but I am not certain of the fault you are finding.

It sounds to me (based on limited info) that she is trying to reach out to you. No, it is not about her, but I am sure she is hurting at the thought of not having grandchildren. That can not be compared to the pain and frustration you are feeling, but I don't think she is really trying to discount any of that. She expresses that she is trying to stay involved but feels like it is one sided. Is it? Or is she being unreasonable?

Nice to invite you to dinner, but she really should have given some notice. She can't just expect you to drop everything anytime she wants.

I really want to be supportive. Tell me what hurts/pisses you off/etc. the most from her email?

mrshoppy_1231 · April 2010

She sounds a bit controlling - and too involved in your life. (IMO of course!) I know they mean well by offering you money but I don't think I would take it. Sounds like there will be many strings attached for years to come! GL though, you are in a tough place. IL's can be so frustrating sometimes.

jdeats12 · April 2010

c1311:
Nice how she makes YOUR infertility about HER. Hope you survive the dinner intact.

This. Unreal.

miamicubajam · April 2010

It seems to me as if your DH is close to his family and they really want to be there for you guys, with good intentions of course. Though her wording comes off totally wrong and I can see why it seems disturbing. From the looks of it, she had a vision all parents wish for their children some day. It's a dream that your children fall in love, have an education, great careers and go on to have a family such as they did and they can retire and enjoy the company of their loving grandchildren. Unfortunately it didn't play out that way and now theres a fine line they cannot cross. That is the fact that her son is a grown man, has a wife and all she can do is be a mother from a far. The further she feels pushed out of the picture, the more defensive she will seem. Not to be mean but at one point she was the only woman in your DH's life and now you took over his attention. Most mothers cannot handle that and come off the wrong way. It took me many years to see this scenario myself and once I came to understand it, I sat with my MIL and cleared many things up. Sometimes they simply want a line of open communication and for you both to feel comfortable to speak with her. Remember she has lost total control and now has to wait on you both. I say lay it all on the table and make things totally clear. Explain that you both feel grateful for their generosity but also have some concerns. You never know, it might help ease tension on both parts and you could all find a good median.

scatterbrainliz · April 2010

LaneyLooLoo:
I really want to be supportive. Tell me what hurts/pisses you off/etc. the most from her email?

She acts as if she's the only one trying to maintain a relationship. We both try our best. My husband can't stand his own mother because she's so twisted. This woman lives in her own reality. She's been acting very selfish about not have grandchildren and she counted on my husband to produce them for her. She has never given me a comforted word. She's questioned if I had known about IF prior to our marriage. I think her motivation in offering us the loan is so she can have a grandchild right now.

We've told her our plans on using IVF with DE as I want to experience having a pregnancy and the bond that goes along with it. She's a know-it-all.

All that we've done to make her happy never seems to work. She's never happy. She's the biggest drama queen I've ever met next to my own mother.

My list could go on forever.

scatterbrainliz · April 2010

jdeats12:
c1311:
Nice how she makes YOUR infertility about HER. Hope you survive the dinner intact.

This. Unreal.

These were the 2nd words that came out of her mouth when we told her that I was told I couldn't have any children and that the chances are 0%. The first words were that I didn't need a doctor telling me something was wrong because at my age, it was expected. Um, I was 31 yrs old when I was given this news.

LaneyLooLoo · April 2010

Perfect! And thank you.

I try not to transfer my own narcissistic mother's characteristics to everyones mother/mil. I did notice the tone all about her pain not yours. Without knowing her personality/your relationship, I didn't want to just jump to the conclusion that she is a narcissist. BTW, mine really is not just has tendencies, but this is not about me.

If she really does have those same tendencies, it won't matter what you say. The sad truth is she either won't hear it or will be totally offended despite your motives. You have my deepest sympathies.

I could throat punch her for asking you about knowing. Would it have made a difference?! NO! I once dated a guy whose mother told him he shouldn't have children with me b/c of the history of cancer in my family. These kind of women want thier future DIL to have genetic counseling before marriage or something. She actually suggested the genetic counseling!

Ugh to her.

/totally on your side now.

c1311 · April 2010

I totally get it. My MIL lives in a very warped version of reality. She's never treated me like a daughter, so I don't treat her like a mother. She tries to guilt us into doing what she wants to do, but guilt trips like that only work on me when they are from my own mother, and even then only sometimes. LOL!

Good luck to you. I have found that the more distance I have from them the easier it is to deal with her.

SkyBee · April 2010

I hate it. Honestly the impression I get is that she is a real brat. Talk about being a nag! Not only that but being sad about your son not being able to have a baby is TOTALLY different than what you and your DH are going through.

MoFree · April 2010

Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Crying I'm sorry you have to go through this at a time when you need support and understanding, not a guilt trip and shame.

As tempting as it would be to accept her offer, the emotional price would be just too high and you, your husband and future child do not have to be beholden to her.

Sorry that you, too, have an awful MIL.

miamicubajam · April 2010

Bottom line is that she needs to seriously stop focusing on her feelings only and be more understanding for the 2 of you. That is what a good mother does. Hope dinner goes over well tonight and try and brush the nonsense a side.

scatterbrainliz · April 2010

Now she wants us to think about adopting and maybe thinking about IVF and adoption at the same time. She knows that my adoption wasn't the best and I've had first hand knowledge why adoption may not be right for us and personally I don't want to put adoption as second choice because every person has their own choices and adoption shouldn't be considered a backup plan. She doesn't understand I cannot give myself to both options. I'm sticking with IVF w/DE as that's our best choice for me and my husband.

She hasn't severed the umbilical cord from her children. My husband is 35 years old and can make his own decisions yet she feels like he should be running to her for every decision he needs to make to get her approval. To say she's controlling is an understatement. She feels like since we're family, we need to share the good & the bad. She doesn't understand this is a private matter between me and Peter.

She never has treated me like a daughter or maybe she has in twisted mind.

Thanks to all of you who read my post and gave me your stories of how my MIL is the same as yours. I don't understand why we have to deal with such crazy, narcissistic women as if we don't have enough to deal with.

georgiagirl1212 · April 2010

Of course, I'm only basing this on the paragraphs you posted, but here it goes: Though her actual words are supposed to express her shared pain in your IF struggles and her concerns about the negative effects of your self-isolation on your mental state, what she actually MEANS by this is that she feels you and your DH are selfish babies who are acting snotty to her.

She's suggesting that you don't have the right to feel miserable about a miserable situation, nor are you justified in wanting privacy in feeling that way together. On all counts, she is wrong. This goes beyond the issue of IF; she is telling you how to feel and how to be, and using the IF as an platform to complain that y'all do not reach out to her enough. Considering you said that your DH keeps his distance from her, I'd say this was an opportunity to guilt trip you that she jumped on right away.

I have my own MIL issues I won't bother you with, but do know that she is in the wrong, and remember not to stress over what you can't control (the words and actions of other people). And overall, best of luck toward building your family, the way you and dh decide is best

deputysgirl · April 2010

Ugh...! I don't know about your relationship with her... but I would bristle if my MIL sent an email like this. Maybe she means well, but it seems a tad selfish. (This is without seeing the rest of the email or understanding your relationship). Honestly? I would expect this from my own mother, and it would piss me off coming from her because I know where she would be coming from. I'm so sorry... keep your chin up... enjoy the free meal. At least they want to hold you guys close, maybe just aren't very skillful at doing so? Good luck!

I*BELIEVE*N*Miracles · April 2010

So this sounds exactly like something my MIL would do and that's why she doesn't really know anything we are doing, and we prefer it to stay that way. She's already is making up stories like the the doctor guaranteed her son and I a child right away & how we need to go talk to that doctor because it's been a year and we still aren't pregnant............where she got the information?!? good question must listen to the voices in her head. Err..I could go on and on about the things she comes up with but just to make you feel better Your not alone on the MIL thing (aren't we just blessed

just a bit of sarcasim with that!