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DH doesn't understand SIL jealousy

kmountkmount member
in TTC After a Loss

Maybe I'm way out of line here.  DH and I started TTC in August (after 3 months of not avoiding) and obviously I've had some losses in there.  I'm painfully jealous of his sister (whose FB status today was something about her first prenatal yoga today), who is due 6 weeks after my first DD and 2 weeks before my second one.  She and her DH went off BC in Jan-- pg same f*ing cycle, not a single problem, obviously.  I'm not MAD at her for having a perfect dream (god knows it's what I wanted), but yes, I am ridiculously jealous and talk about how UNFAIR it is that she got pg first try while we're still waiting.  He just said "she was my family long before you were.  You can't make me hate on my sister".  He thinks I'm saying that she inflicted pain on me, that I'm using her to direct pain, yadda yadda.  That's not it.  Well, whatever.  She's the most salient cue, the only family member who is pg, the only family member who was trying at the same time as me, and that automatically puts her in my green with envy zone. 

So here's the question...  should I not express these thoughts to DH?  Is there a better way for me to express them?  I don't want him to feel torn, but I want to be able to express my sadness.   Help... :)

m/c 12/20/09 @ 5 1/2 weeks ~ CP 1/25/09 @ 4 weeks ~ missed m/c 4/6/10 (stopped growing @ 6 weeks, stayed with me until 10) ~Foster parent to B, 9/10-1/12~ Proud Mother of Gage Stephen, born 12/26/12 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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Re: DH doesn't understand SIL jealousy

  • ashleyy0219ashleyy0219

    I can understand your feeling sad and it's not that your not happy for her it's just tough to have it to in your face right now under the circumstances! DH should be able to understand that...

    :::hugs:::

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  • dondraandluisdondraandluis member
    I'm sorry, that sucks. I think you should be able to express your feelings. I know it's hard. (((hugs)))
    TTC Since Oct 08 BFP #1- 1/23/09, missed m/c 2/26/09 BFP #2- 9/8/09, natural m/c 9/16/09 BFP #3- 4/13/10, missed m/c 5/26/10 BFP #4- 4/6/11 beta#1 at 12dpo-133 prog-55.7, beta#2 at 16dpo- 861 DD born 12/8/2011 BFP#5- 11/23/12 EDD 7/25/13 Dx- Uterine septum (removed Aug 2010), endo, MTHFR C677t hetero, Factor II hetero, Low Protein S Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • lsugirljenlsugirljen member
    I totally understand.  My SIL has three beautiful girls and all she does is complain about how loud they are, how bad they are, how messy they are, you get the picture. I swear the next time she says it, I'm going to tell her she should be glad she has three healthy kids.  (She also asks me everytime I see her "when are you going to have a baby?" I usually just look at her.
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  • GraciestarGraciestar

    Its not that you are not happy for her.. it just like you are so sad/frustrated at your own situation..it really hard to be happy for someone when you should been going through a pregnancy at the same time. Its hard not to connect everythingn that is happening to her that should have been happening to you. I know.. this is the story of my life.

    (((hugs)))

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  • ValcoValco

    That is a tough situation. 

     I can relate - my best friend got married in April 09 and started TTC immediately. She had no success and was considering going see the doctor about it. My DH and I got married in Sept 09 and started TTC in Nov. I had one period after going off BC then got pregnant on my next cycle. Then we lost our baby in Feb. 

     My friend then found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago. "Day 1" of her pregnancy is the day I started my M/C.  She will have a 2010 baby and I can't anymore.

    I felt bad when I got pregnant that it was so easy for us and she had been trying for so long. Now  the tables have turned...

    My DH is having a hard time understanding why I'm depressed about her being pregnant. I can't seem get him to understand that while I'm happy for her, it kills me that I'm not pregnant too.

     Anyway, not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to say that I totally understand where you're coming from and you have my sympathies. It seems like nobody understands except us ladies! 

    Married - 09/26/2009 BFP #1 - 01/17/2010 EDD - 09/10/2010 M/C - 02/03/2010 at 8 w 5 d D&C - 02/13/2010 at 10 w 1 d BFP #2 - 07/14/2010 EDD - 03/27/2011 Luke stillborn - 11/11/2010 at 20 w 4 d BFP #3 - 03/16/2011 EDD - 11/27/2011
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  • erinb1025erinb1025

    DH and I are going through much of the same hting with my cousin (who is 20, no job, due the same day I was... I'm not bitter). I'm not mad at her in any way, I know she can sympathize (shes had a loss), but I'm jealous that she is pg and I'm not. DH finally gets it after I explained that very thing to him... I'm not mad at her, but jealous that I somehow wasn't good enough to have my baby, and she gets to have one. I'm not jealous of her, I'm jealous of the baby she gets to have.

    I hope you guys can talk through it and somhow work it out. I know you are happy for your SIL (eventhough I would be jealous too), but it just sucks. big hugs to you!

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  • kmountkmount member
    Thanks, ladies.  It seemed to help some when I said "even if it were my sister, my best friend, my cousin, my coworker-- it doesn't matter who it is, she just happens to be the only person I know who is due right around when I should have been, and that automatically makes me jealous of her".  I think taking it out of the personal family thing helped some...  but he still doesn't get it.
    m/c 12/20/09 @ 5 1/2 weeks ~ CP 1/25/09 @ 4 weeks ~ missed m/c 4/6/10 (stopped growing @ 6 weeks, stayed with me until 10) ~Foster parent to B, 9/10-1/12~ Proud Mother of Gage Stephen, born 12/26/12 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • jdmiller28jdmiller28

    imagekmount:
    Thanks, ladies.  It seemed to help some when I said "even if it were my sister, my best friend, my cousin, my coworker-- it doesn't matter who it is, she just happens to be the only person I know who is due right around when I should have been, and that automatically makes me jealous of her".  I think taking it out of the personal family thing helped some...  but he still doesn't get it.

    I can completely understand the pain and sadness it causes. It's hard for me to think of our cousin who's due date is the day after my original due date (this coming July). And about 2-4 weeks after we lost Joseph, we found out that this cousin's SIL is pregnant and due in September. I was jealous and sad and mad that here they all are, pregnant and due two months apart, and my little Joe won't be grow up with these two cousins.

    On the other hand - while I'm sad, mad, upset, etc with it, DH went through the same emotions. However, neither of us are jealous that they're having healthy pregnancies, we are happy for them. We would never want them to experience what we have. So, I'm happy that they are not in the same situation as we were; I'm happy that there are new babies joining the ever-expanding family. I know that the ones due in September had a hard time getting pregnant (it took about 9 months) and it makes me happy that they didn't give up. I can't envy that they're pregnant, they've had struggles to get to that point. And I have hope that we'll get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy.

     

     

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