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Attachment Parenting
s/o spanking: would you...
Would you, or do you, let your kids spend time with other parents whose parenting philosophies you don't agree with?
For example, my friend spanks her 2 year old, and it kind of sounds like she does it relatively frequently - kind of like this is her go-to method of punishment. She and I don't spend a lot of time together due to location but our kids our close in age, and they will probably be friends too, I imagine. She's a really good person, and I think she's an attentive parent, but I would be seriously concerned about just letting my kid go to her house to play if her go-to punishment is spanking. KWIM?
I asked DH and he was like, "Well, as long as she doesn't spank OUR kid." I was like, "Well, yeah, but how can we guarantee that?"
I've known her for years and years, but I would actually be nervous about her watching my kid. And I don't think she just spanks for serious offenses. She told me the other day she was going to go spank her kid for throwing a tantrum.
But aside from just the spanking issue, are there other issues that would prevent you from letting your kid play at a friend's house based on someone's parenting philosophy? Would you say something beforehand like, "Call me if he gets in trouble and I'll take care of it."
She did say she feels bad about spanking, but apparently that doesn't stop her from doing it.
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Re: s/o spanking: would you...
Emmy will not be left alone with some of my family members. They see nothing wrong with spanking infants (under 1), spanking other people's children, etc. I do not trust AT ALL that they would refrain from spanking Emmy. Aside from spanking, their other method of discipline is reciting/memorizing Bible verses
So, they are BSC all around.
I have another friend who does spank her child sometimes, and I would leave Emmy with her in a pinch. But, I trust she would NOT spank my child.
Basically, it boils down to trust. If I trust that they will try to handle her like I would (or at least not expressly against my wishes) then I'm fine with it. My exceptions would be if somebody was racist/bigoted (though I wouldn't trust that person much, honestly), because I think that hearing and being exposed to those things is like poison.
Hmm. That's a really good question and I honestly don't know. I actually just responded to the spanking post below and how I was reading a James Dobson book (I know, not the most popular figure on the bump lol) and was surprised to find how strict he is with recommending spanking as a discipline tool because he's usually touted as the ultimate pro-corporal punishment conservative psychologist. In fact, in the book I read, he said to never spank a toddler, especially for just getting into mischief because he/she is discovering and exploring his/her world and doing what toddlers come by naturally and not for tantrums either. He is also very anti spanking of teenagers. He makes a point to say that punishments need to fit the crime (e.g. don't spank your kid if he hit a baseball and it broke the neighbors window, make the kid work and pay for the repairs) and spanking is reserved only for blatant open rebellion and should absolutely never be done while the parent is still angry. It surprised me how often he does NOT recommend spanking.
As such, it would totally bother me that your friend seems to spank for so many offenses, and some "offenses" are just her toddler being a toddler. I don't know that I'd let my son be over at her house without me there. But I think play dates where both you and she are present are fine. But I don't think I'd let my kid play alone at her house without me because what if my child would throw a tantrum and she'd just swat his bum out of habit - just in passing and not causing pain and she certainly wasn't being outright abusive and obviously DS would survive and never remember it. But it would still make me uncomfortable. Habits are habits KWIM?
Matthew Kevin
7/31/83-7/20/11
Met 1/8/00
Engaged 4/21/06
Married 9/29/07
Two beautiful legacies: Noah Matthew (2 yrs) and Chloe Marcella (8 mos)
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This is exactly what my concern would be.
I agree with Autumn. While DD is younger, I wouldn't leave her with someone I thought would potentially do this -- I don't care what your philosophy is, you don't spank other people's children.
Also, I wouldn't avoid someone who I just happen to know chose to spank, but if they did it regularly in front of us, like while at a playdate or whatever, I would also be tempted to call off the friendship. I don't think it's appropriate, for their child or mine, to be spanked in front of others. It's embarrassing for their kid and teaches mine that it's OK to hit when you're angry and I don't agree.
This, totally! I am not 100% anti-spanking and I don't think it is abuse in and of itself. The thing about spanking that bothers me is that it can so easily become abuse because parents seem to get carried away. They spank for every offense their child does and so the punishment never fits the crime. They do it in public, and that is humiliating for the child (and that could be considered borderline - if not actual - emotional abuse). They use tools (in another post I mentioned how my mom used wooden spoons on my butt and they'd often get broken on my butt - I find that soooo wrong. If you're spanking hard enough to break a wooden spoon, no matter how thin, than you're using way way way too much force). My parents spanked me (as you can see from the spoon example) and they spanked me into my teenage years. I don't know how young I was when they started. I don't think they did it properly and I think that it border lined abuse if it didn't actually cross that line on a few occasions.
I would like to see a study that differentiates between spanking with just your hand and only in rare circumstances and only during the elementary school-age years (so no toddlers and no teenagers) and never in public vs. spanking for whatever reason at any age and wherever you happen to be at the time. I wonder if there is a difference in how a child is affected depending on which category of spanking was used on them. And I wonder if it is even possible to get parents to be honest about this sort of thing so you can get legitimate results from it.
I wouldn't. Even if she never spanked my kid I wouldn't want them to be around it... see or hear it being done to their friend. Nope. Same goes if it were a family member of mine.
My BFF yells at her kids all day long and I feel the same way. Sadly, she knows it's not great parenting and still does it. Last time I saw her we talked about it and thankfully, she's looking into anger management issues. At least it's a step forward. Her kids are older than Libby...her eldest is 14 and the youngest just turned 3. We're headed her way this summer for a visit and she's offered to watch Libby while DH and I attend an adults-only wedding. I am on the fence about it. I will probably let her because it's one night (the wedding is at 5 pm) and Libby will most likely be sleeping the majority of the time we're gone, but I would hate for her to hear my friend yelling at her kids. So we shall see. Maybe by then my friend will have some new tools? I sure hope so. For her kid's sake and hers...I know she feels terrible about all the yelling and screaming she subjects her kids to on a daily basis.
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No, I don't think I could leave my kiddo with someone who did something that IMO was wrong. I'm completely against spanking and if I'm going to be completely honest it affects my opinion on a friend if they spanked. My BFF from high school spanks her LOs all the time and did from a very young age. I remember vividly being with them camping when their DD was about 2 and them getting angry at her and saying "delayed obedience is disobedience" before spanking her because she didn't jump to it when they asked her to do something. WTF man, that girl is going to grow up broken or a rebel. We don't spend too much time together because it just makes me so uncomfortable, don't get me started on the wooden spoon she carries in her purse.
I also wouldn't leave DS with someone who yells. My MIL is always one step away from me not letting DS spend time with her alone because of the yelling. She screamed her way through DHs childhood and it took many years to help him work through that and I'm not having that around myself or my son. We actually went a year without speaking after she went off on me a few years into our marriage.
Me, too.
I didn't read the whole thing, but I would be fine with DS hanging out with a kid whose parent spanked. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't spank someone else's child. If they did, there would be HELL.TO.PAY.
I think its pretty accepted public knowledge that while you can spank your own child, you should never spank someone else's. All my relatives spanked their kids growing up, and my parents spanked us, but none of my relatives would EVER have spanked my sister or I. You just don't go there with someone else's child.
If I were to let DD stay over with someone that I knew spanked, I would make it clear from the beginning that these are the discipline methods that I prefer (x, y, z) and that under no circumstances should she be spanked.
My sister and BIL are my DD's guardians and I have it in my will that I do not want them to use any type of physical punishment on her (even if they do it to their own kid).