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Adoption
CaptainSerious
member
Russian Adoption News
CaptainSerious
member
in Adoption
So many things to say, none of them adequate:
https://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36312713/ns/world_news-europe/; and
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Russian Adoption News
Which ones?
This makes me sick to my stomach. Her son came home after our kids did--that's not that long. I do not usually judge APs who have to disrupt b/c I have not walked in their shoes, but putting him on a plane alone back to Russia... I will judge her as being the unstable one. That is cruel and it makes me sick to my stomach. My heart breaks for this little boy.
ETA: Disrupt isn't the right word is it? Which is the word we use after the adoption is final? I'm drawing a blank.
It's disruption--Russian adoptions are finalized in Russia.
I can't judge--there isn't enough information in the articles I've seen. I am sure it was a difficult decision--I don't know what avenues the AP exhausted before taking such drastic action. I don't know whether there was extensive violence involved on the child's part, or other children in the home she needed to keep safe. Nor am I privy to the child's reported medical history OR the education she was provided by her agency.
While this is tragic for all involved, I hardly think this was a decision the APs took lightly. It's not my place to pass judgement.
The ones that say her actions are justifiable because all the kids from Russia have problems. The ones that say internationally adoptions shouldn't happen because there are enough children at home that need homes. The ones that think she should be able to "return him" because they think she was lied to. The ones that say she already has her "own," "natural" child. The ones that don't understand that once a child is adopted, he is a member of your family, both legally and in every other way.
I agree. There's not one shred of evidence that this woman sought help for whatever difficulties they were experiencing as a family. No matter how distraught this woman might be, she didn't care enough for this child to accompany him back to Russia (as if that were the proper place for him, which at this point it isn't) or to arrange for someone she trusted to make the trip with him. The child's grandmother is the one who arranged for someone to pick him up at the airport in Moscow and deliver him to the authorities--I'm guessing after she found out that he was traveling alone.
I think disrupt is the right word. I think before it's final it's "fail" and after it's "disrupt."
But see, that's just the thing. If she sought help and didn't find it, she would at least have found out that sending him back to Russia was not the answer, even if she wanted to disrupt. At that point, he was an American citizen with an American mother; her local social services would have been the place to surrender the child.
Also, I don't think it's the agency's responsibility to proved education to adoptive parents. Is it nice, and something I would expect from a strong, reputable agency? Yes. But they are not required to. An adoptive parent should make every effort to educate themselves on some of the common issues and trends in adoption, as well as attachment and bonding issues and any other applicable medical/psycho/social/emotional information to their specific adoption. If they don't, then they are the irresponsible actors, and should be held accountable, not the agency. (That being said, the agency should never approve someone who's not aware and worked through these issues.)
What a very sad and heartbreaking case. I can't even begin to imagine what this boy is feeling right now. I couldn't even read the other cases where children have passed away here in the US due to neglect/abuse from their adoptive parents.
I will say that this agency provides a ton of education - both before and after placement. They have support groups (both on-line and in person) for post-placement support and they also offer webinars for parenting older children as well - but we will most likely never know whether this woman sought out help or if she exhausted all of her options. Who knows - maybe she felt like she had exhausted all of her options and had no where to turn? I wonder if this persons social worker noted anything in post-placement reports?
I can and do judge them for this, and harshly at that.
It takes two brain cells to figure out that a 7 year old who spent his formative years in a pretty unhappy and uncaring place is going to most likely have emotional issues. I've done extensive research on international adoption and time and time and time again I read about attachment issues and how to handle them. This little boy was not and is not a sociopath- he's grown up learning to fear love and becoming attached because people only cause pain and suffering for him, it's better for him if he just hates them. This family has only reinforced and validated this for him.
An older child has memories and experiences that are probably not all that nice. It's like people expect that because they're taking the child out of a bad situation that the child would react the way an emotionally stable adult would. They are not adults and if you want to ensure that your kid hasn't suffered past trauma, DON'T ADOPT AN OLDER CHILD.
This story enrages me.
Are you serious???
it isn't immediately clear, at least to me, whether this woman did not seek help, did not find it, or chose not to accept it. If the situation she found herself in was more than she could handle, she should have looked for help. If she didn't - that's just horrible. However, I will hold my judgement on this until I have all the information. What is appaling to me is the fact that she simply sent this boy off. What kind of person hands a child a piece of paper and sends him off across the Atlantic? This boy has been through so much already. And being abandoned this way... My hear is breaking for him.
Allow myself to clarify. I am not privy to any information the family was given about the child--I do not know the conditions to which they were open, or whether the orphanage was up front about the child's mental health. We don't know that the child WASN'T a sociopath.
While those of us in the adoption community may not want to admit it, there are individuals who are willing to take advantage of would-be parents, who intentionally lie to make children more attractive for adoption. And many of the stories I've heard do involve Russian adoptions. Not to paint everyone with the same brush, but it DOES happen.
It wasn't the wisest decision, but I will still refrain from judging. Nort my place.
Noone, I agree with everything you said, but still think this woman responded in an unacceptable manner. Even if the child was a known sociopath/psychopath and the orphanage lied to her, the acceptable response was not to send this boy back unexplained, unaccompanied, and unexpected.
While I agree with you that it is not my place to judge, I guess I do judge her actions anyway.
Exactly my feelings. Well-put, CS. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot come up with a scenario where this was a justifiable way to disrupt.
I'm not saying I think it was a great solution. But I have more empathy for this woman than I do for the people who dropped off their bio teenagers under Nebraska's failed Safe Haven law.
If my child, adopted or bio, were threatening to burn the house down with the entire family in it, I'd probably be feeling pretty desperate as well.
I dunno, though... Far more kids will say stuff like that than will actually act on it. Standing alone, I'd say a statement like that calls for immediate mental health treatment rather than shipment on a plane back to Russia. Was the boy ever hospitalized? Was he seeing any mental health professionals who could have treated him and determined how much of a threat he posed? What kind of help in the US did this adoptive mother seek? There are so many questions unanswered in the initial media stories.
Also, because the boy was adopted only 6 months ago, he was between languages -- no longer able to speak Russian, but not able to speak much English yet. I'm sure that only compounded his emotions and whatever mental health problems he may have had, because he couldn't even communicate well.
It's just an awful, tragic situation, and my heart breaks for this little boy. Sometimes adoptions do need to disrupt or be dissolved, for a variety of reasons... but there are far more appropriate ways to go about doing it than putting a 7-year-old on a plane to Moscow by himself. The Russian adoption listservs and chat forums have been buzzing about this story all day long.
It's my understanding that with Russian adoptions, the adoptions are finalized in Russia, once the 10-day time period for appeal has run on a Russian judge's decision to grant the adoption....
I don't doubt her situation may have been desperate. And I don't want to make light of how extremely challenging parenting a child with RAD, sensory or other attachment issues can be. I think we essentially agree on this issue. Parents who face these issues have nothing but my greatest respect and sympathies. I cannot begin to imagine how hard their lives are. But the problem most of us are having, I think, is that no matter how desperate you are, putting the child on an airplane alone and shipping him off to Russia is such a cruel way of dissolving the family that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this.
Thank you. "Dissolve" is the word I was trying to remember. Disrupt before finalization, dissolve after--as you said.
It sounds like the adoption was finalized before he came home. But I agree 6 months doesn't seem very long. And again, I don't want to judge beyond what I already have. Those 6 months could very well have been hell for her. How she handled it was not the appropriate response, however.
CS:
Normally I lurk on the Caribbean board but was curious what you would think of this (hopefully clicky):
https://www.startribune.com/local/east/90319512.html?elr=KArksUUUoDEy3LGDiO7aiU
This article is a follow-up on an eighth grader pulling a gun at his school. It sounds like this family did everything they could, but who knows if they researched the possibilities with adoption?
My heart breaks for just literally everyone in this story. I wish I could take the higher ground and say that I couldn't make any sort of judgement.....
But I judge the pants off those adoptive parents.
It does really sound like that family tried everything within their power to help their son. I don't really understand why they couldn't get some help paying for treatment for their son, but it sounds like they tried and were denied.
Really, I do understand adoption disruptions/dissolutions. I have a friend who adopted 4 times, and has had to disrupt (but not legally dissolve) once. It's a terrible situation when it happens, but it's practically unavoidable sometimes.
I lurk on this board as my niece and nephew were adopted (kinship adoption at age 7).
I don't agree with sending the child unchaperoned back to Russia. But I also don't know what was advised to this woman regarding that situation, etc. It would seem like at least she could have hired someone to assist him?
I think the situation is very sad. I also think it is a very possible reality that this child was extremely ill and violent and despite education and advice, it was more than she could handle. I taught SPED Emotional Disabilities for 7 years and one little adopted boy in our class, from Russia coincidentally, was one of the most ill children I had ever had in my class (he had RAD). He was so severely abused in the orphanage -- denied food and water by older kids, had his teeth punched out in a fight, etc. He was adopted by a dad with problems and it was overall a terrible situation. We ended up recommending him to a more restrictive setting. I think about him a lot bc my setting was pretty restrictive and very supportive and we couldn't begin to touch his problems.
of course, this is only one situation and I do NOT mean to imply that adoption of an older child should not be considered. My niece and nephew also were neglected and removed from their home and they are thriving and loving children.
anyway, just a sad situation and the news leaves a lot of stuff out and goes for the sensational stuff...